Elphanigh's journey to healthy

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Decimal. I really appreciate it. It made me smile and have hope I will learn to be a bit better at all of this. Your words are encouraging, and I greatly appreciate tha t

[Three Roses]

I am not digging in deep enough for it to be this difficult. I just want to be stronger, more capable of healing and defeating this demon

Sorry, I must disagree with you here. You must be digging deep, because you are having difficulty. When the digging gets tough for me, it's sometimes a sign I'm coming up against some resistance in myself, or maybe I just need a mini vacation from thinking about it all.

You are strong, and getting stronger.

[Elphanigh]

Three roses, honestly I am kind of glad for someone to disagree with me. It is probably good to have someone point those things out. Makes me think about how I am minimizing some of what I am putting myself through right now. I may not be completely there but you disagreeing gives pause to me.

[Elphanigh]

Honestly after last night I need to post here but I am not sure what to post. I am just exhausted. As a nerd one line comes to mind "You haven't seen a * orphan in more need of a break" not all that applies but his exhaustion in that moment of the musical fits. It is better to relate this exhaustion to something i love.

The thoughts of pills have passed, it will be something that comes and goes I guess. Really I hope it isn't but it probably will be for a time. I am hopeful that after the holidays I will start to feel less exhausted and struggle less.

[sanmagic7]

earth mother spirit   

rest, take a break, you are doing all you need to do, are as strong as you need to be.  this stuff gets messy, makes us messy, but that is not a sign of weakness but of strength.  the battle rages on and you are thrusting yourself into its midst.  how much stronger could someone be than that?!

love to you, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

San, I am desperate for rest... but it neve seems to come not matter how hard I try to make it happen
I have a second shift at work in twenty minutes and I feel like being sick. I know I am in and out of a dissociated state, I am dizzy and can feel the panic start to rise in my system. I am so scared that this won't pass... I am in desperate need for it to. I am not sure how much more my strength will last.

At this point I am spending energy and strength I just don't have. I am entirely spent but haveing to dig and produce more strength or energy out of nowhere.. I haven't felt this in need of rest, sleep, comfort, anything of that sort in a long time. 

[sanmagic7]

maybe calling in sick to work would be a good thing.  just have some time for yourself, do or not do whatever suits you.  don't fight it, just let yourself be.  you've earned a rest, some soothing, comforting calm for yourself.  you've just gone thru some traumatic realizations and triggers - sounds like they became overwhelming.

standing right beside you, el - you're not alone.  lean on me, lean on everyone here.  we're holding onto you.  see you on the porch later - tea and sympathy, lovely weather, cozy blanket, warm, loving friends.  love and caring to you.

[Elphanigh]

I called in sick last Friday, and have given a few shifts away this week. Since I had already been in this morning I couldn't call in tonight. I am home now going to rest. I am off tomorrow, need to Christmas shop, clean, and then have a social engagement. Somewhere in there I will find rest. Time for myself is essential tonight and tomorrow. It is my last day off before seeing my foo on Monday. It feels like they have become overwhelming just by my bodies reaction to it all.

San, I will lean as much as I can allow myself. Don't take too much on though, you too are carrying a lot of stuff. It brings me comfort to think of all of you helping hold me up. There is strength in remembering I am not alone. Thank you my dear. I will see you on the porch, all of that sounds wonderful. Lots of love, and hugs if that is okay

[Three Roses]

Ill be thinking of you - think I'll go down to the Healing Porch and play a tune on my guitar for you....

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Three Roses. Your playing is so beyond appreciated. It is so sweet of you, and full of the caring I need right now. Being essentially on my own in challenging in times like these because I don't have anyone to do the simple caring things for me. So the energy you, San, and the rest of this forum give is a life saver for me. It lends to some healing and keeps me pushing forward. I feel less lost because of you. 

[DecimalRocket]

It's a nice act of self care to give yourself some rest. Externally, it may seem lazy to others, but internally, there's a lot of strength needed to fight the urge to keep working. There are forms of progress and growth that can't be easily seen after all, but they really are there.

You're doing a good job, Elpha. Take care. 

[Elphanigh]

Decimal, thank you for such a reminder. I have really taken it to heart today. Doing some real self care after finally finding some sleep is amazing. Hoping this will start to reverse everything I have been feeling

[sanmagic7]

i hope so, too, sweetie.  big hug.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear. Your hugs are always so wonderful 💜

[Elphanigh]

I have finally found some sleep, and with that some strength. Well may not found strength, as much as I have a bit more energy to use the strength that always resides in me. With this strength has come some tears. I didn't cry for a few weeks, but I have found my way to tears twice today. They are healing tears, ones that are trying to help release some of everything that has been ailing me. Recovery is so much harder and more complex than I had imagined. It presents more to contend with than I ever realized was possible. It hit me unrepared because I had this illusion that I was better than I actually was.

I see now, as the new year looms, that this one has been full of challenges and I will face the new ones hopefully more prepared in this coming year. There is a great deal of pain, among other emotions, that I need to face and try to embrace. I wasn't prepared for just how much that would take, or for how strong those things were. I have come a long way but the road ahead seems so much longer.

The last week I have gotten to reconnect with two old friends of mine. About two years ago no one would have imagined that anything could tear us apart, but there were many things that did. It is good to clear the air and start to have them back in my life again. So here I am trying to move forward with them as well. It seems that we are all growing, hopefully back together in a way.

I am scared to go home for Christmas and lose myself in all the reminders, and the things I have always had to do to survive there. I think I am stronger than that though. I know more than I did a year ago when I was in that space. It will take me leaning on some people but I am determined to stay more true to things I have been working on while I am there