So confused-relationship ended-so unsure

[bagels2001]

hello,

I just ended a 2.5 year relationship. He had been unfaithful and lied a lot. He said he wanted to work through things because of how much he loves me. Then wouldn't follow through on any resources that I found for us.

I am so confused. Was i wrong? he said i was damaged, repulsive, certifiable, and more. Maybe I am! He did stick by me through health issues. He also became physical twice though.

The first day I was gone he took two mutual friends home from a bar and told me about it. Then said I am crazy to react.

I am so sad and confused and I feel like I am a bad person. I am living alone and have two medical conditions that can be lethal and are scary. I just am really struggling to make it through each day.

I am so confused by the relationship and the way he talks to me. any help is much appreciated

[stars]

Hi bagels,

First of all, I just want to tell you that no one ever deserves to be called the names your ex called you. Even if your medical conditions have been draining and scary for your ex to live with, that doesn't give him the right to insult you and absolutely doesn't give him the right to hurt or intimidate you physically.

I think you did the right thing leaving him, based on my own experience with an ex who abused me. Like your ex, he said he wanted to treat me better and work on our relationship, but he wasn't willing to follow through, no matter how much work I put in to find helpful resources. In the end, he was only putting up a helpful front to try to convince me to stay. Over on the Out of the Fog forum, there's an article on a behavior called hoovering - here's a link. Hoovering is one method abusers sometimes use to regain control of victims who are showing signs of sticking up for themselves or possibly leaving, and it can include making promises they don't intend to keep. If you're interested, take a look at the article and see if it seems to apply to your relationship.

You are not a bad person. If you're here on this forum, I suspect you might know that deep down inside. I'm sorry for what you've been through, and I hope you're able to find the support you're looking for here.

[Dee]

Your relationship was abusive.  I stayed in an abusive marriage because I thought it was me.  I thought I was damaged and at fault.  I know better now and this site helped me see that.

There is so much more to abusive than physical abuse.  I was never physically abused, but definitely very abused.  What you can't see hurts the most.

Welcome, I hope you find this site as helpful as I have.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome Bagels, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I too think ending the relationship is a a part of you that wants better things for you, and knows that you did not deserve to be treated as you were by your ex.  It may be just a spark right now, but hopefully here you can fan that into a nice, warm safe fire to protect yourself and shine some light into the darkness. 

Glad you found your way here, it's a big step toward recovery.   

[GlassChild]

Hello, are you living my life?

I just ended a three year relationship and he was giving his number out to girls at the bar and when I got upset and left, it was my fault, because I left...

He's using your weaknesses against you, you don't need him and he's not the one for you. And if he had the audacity to tell you that he got laid the night you broke up, he's petty and you don't need that while you're working on your mental health. You are not crazy, you are on your journey and he doesn't have the skills to go with you.

[Contessa]

Bagels,

Absolutely no fault lies with you. None. The man you describe is abusive and manipulative.

This is a journey that many of us are on and have endured. We know the confusion and pain you are experiencing. Welcome to this wonderful forum, you will not find yourself wanting for understanding and support.

[sanmagic7]

hey, bagels,

welcome.  so glad you made it here.

i've had some experiences similar to yours.  at the time i was always confused, questioning myself, wondering what else i could do or say.  now i know it wasn't me after all.  that kind of abuse is crazy-making, but it does not mean you are crazy.

i've found so much kindness and support here that has helped me get out of several relationships, some that had lasted as long as 20 yrs. since you're the one looking for answers, you're the one who is looking out for yourself, and that's a very healthy thing.  hang in there, bagels - we're hangin' right beside you.

[alchemist]

Hi I replied to you but I guess my post was deleted for some unknown reason.  I hope you understand that the person you dealt with is personality disordered and PROJECTS onto you all o his insecurities about himself.  That's what personality disordered people like Narcissists do.  Be careful because they always have flying monkeys engaging others in scapegoating the victim. Yo are a wonderful person just by questioning those horrible things he said to you and considering them you are ar healthier than he can ever be.  Narcissists don't see a need for change.
I would appreciate it if my posts are not removed.

[Kizzie]

Sorry to interrupt this thread Bagels, but I wanted to respond to something Alchemist wrote just so she and other new members can read about know how we moderate.

Hi Alchemist - Neither I nor Three Roses our Moderator removed your post and I don't see anything in the garbage can so I'm not sure what happened to it.  FYI, if/when we do edit or remove a post we always contact the originator by PM and explain what we have done and why.  If you have a question about a post please PM me or Three Roses (rather than post in a forum), and we will look into it.  As other members can tell you, we do respond quickly to PMs.

Kizzie