My Story

[Wonderwall]

Hey guys,

I found out about this website a couple of weeks ago. It was after I readPete Walkers book and finally found something that seemed to describe my life.

I was shocked and relieved at the same time to realise from what I have been suffering over the years and that it is more than just laziness and a lack in focus that keep me from living the life that I secretly hope to live.

I experienced several traumatic periods throughout my childhood. My father was very abusive although most of the time my mother got hurt and I was only occasionally punished. I don't remember a lot of physical abuse, he would rather punish me on a psychological level, like making me run stairs or locking me in the dark for a while when I wouldn't behave how he wanted me to behave. My mother finally found the strength to leave my father when I was 5 but there was stuff happening but I still had to see him once in a while and my mother made me lie to him because she was afraid of him kidnapping me. He actually did something like that and would not let me return after one visit. The police got me out of there and that was the end of it. I was in therapy after that for many years and my therapist said I am fully recovered from those experiences. I have believed that too up till that point now, when I am doubting a lot. I know I am traumatised and my early childhood might not have to do with that (because I really do feel fine with that part of my past, on the other hand, one never knows what else might be buried in my memories or suppressed) but I am telling you guys this so that you know my whole story.

I developed a sort of compulsive behaviour after that time and I believe that it probably had to do with the abuse I experienced before. I tried to hide it but children in my school found out about it and bullied me for it. They started calling me names and all that. Before that, I really liked going to school. From that day on, it was * for me. I did not tell anyone about what was happening from my family. I was too ashamed about why they were bullying me and believed it was my fault. Today, the logical part of me knows that it wasn't my fault and that it was just my way with dealing with the stress that I had experienced before even though some part of me still thinks that I deserve what I got because I should have just blended in better and be able to suppress my compulsive urges. Also, my parents knew about this and had told me before the bullying, once people would find out about it, they would call me names etc. At first, I hoped that the bullying would just stop and I never showed people how hurt I was, but it never did. I was living in a small village, which meant, a lot of the children who were bullying me lived in my neighbourhood so I avoided places where I could meet them. I started overeating and tried to escape that world by watching tv. But I was in constant stress. I was relieved during the holidays but at the same time I could not enjoy the free time because I feared the day that I had to go back to school so much. After we all changed to different schools, it eventually stopped. But up till this point, I never told anyone about what happened, I never even spoke with friends who had witnessed it all about it because even though they did not add to the bullying they never did anything to prevent it either. Another reason, why I did not want to talk to my mother was because I was afraid of how she would handle the situation. I just had a feeling that she would rather make the situation worse than better.

My mother and I had always been fighting really loud and intense, not all the time but still a lot. Once she became pregnant again when I was 11,things got worse. I was in puberty and started questioning the way she handled things and with the birth of my sister she was more irritated and unstable than before.
We had really big fights pretty much every day. When I would come home, I knew that something would happen. She said a lot of mean things behind my back and the whole way that she was fighting with me was just very, very immature. There were many situations in which I felt like the grown up and just didn't know what to do. I am definitely the fight type, because all the things that she said and just the whole way she was threading me made me so angry.
I told some of my relatives about what was going on, but they believed that these were only misunderstandings that we had and that it would all get better once my sister got older. It never did and I felt that what was happening was so much more but no one would believe me. My mother always had her own way of seeing things and of course everyone has his own perspective but she would never even try to understand anyone else's point of view. It was like there was only one truth and that was the way she was seeing things. No matter what I would tell her, it was like she heard what I was saying but she could not process it. There was no empathy and for me the worst part was that she was so unpredictable. One minute, she would be super nice and encouraging but there only had to be a wrong word, slight disagreement or accidentally spilled glass of water and there seemed to be a different person standing in front of me. I could have dealt with her just being mean, but sometimes she was the caring mother I recognised and sometimes this raging and screaming person. Or she would attentively listen to my problems and comfort me and then I would hear her talk to other people about what I just told her and she switched the whole story around even though she had not even witnessed most of those things and made it look like I was the one causing problems. She would also go through personal things and looking for whatever she believed I was guilty of.

I tried several things to make the situation less painful for both of us, I tried to address the issues and find a way to live with each other, but I could never make her understand how I felt about everything.
Eventually, it stopped when my aunt asked me if I wanted to move in with her when I was 18.
Then there were a couple of months when I had no contact to my parents at all, and then occasional visits and a period where I lived with my mom again because I thought she had changed a bit. I realised that that was not the case and moved out for good. After a while of trying to get along with her for the sake of my sister, I just couldn't take it any more and I am not in contact with her for 4 months now.
I made a therapy after I moved out because I realised that I had some anger issues and my therapist told me that my mother was most likely to suffer from a paranoid personality disorder. He never saw her, so he is only guessing due to my descriptions but this diagnosis fits so much that I can't help but believe that he is right or that it is at least something very, very close to that what she has. I was relieved to hear that because it explained so much and also made me realise that our bad relationship is not my fault nor is it hers, but she is probably suffering from a mental illness.

I have been studying abroad for the last semester and realised that I a  not happy with the degree that I am doing and that kind of made my whole world crash down on me. I thought, I had it all worked out. I thought I had some issues that I was struggling with but that I would eventually get under control but the realisation that the whole path that I had started two years ago, was not what I wanted anymore and I was just so terrified to tell my aunt that I got really depressed. I couldn't stomach to tell her that I was not really happy because she believed that I was (I thought that too before I went abroad or at least made myself think that) and she was so relieved about that.

I was just so disappointed in myself and couldn't handle telling my relatives but also couldn't continue the classes that I wasn't really into so I kind of stopped living all together and just stayed in my room for weeks watching television and tried to distract myself. Then, I found articles about C-PTSD and read the book by Pete Walz and was so shaken by how accurate his descriptions were and that my problems are obviously a lot deeper than I imagined. I always felt that I was dealing with the same issues as everyone else but that I was just less disciplined.

I just wrote all of this down to get it off of my mind. Knowing that other people with similar issues exist, already helped me a lot! By the way, English is not my first language, so I hope you don't mind my mistakes

[keepfighting]

Hi, Wonderwall,

nice to meet you on this forum! 

Your command of the English language is very good, I had no trouble understanding it at all (but then again, English isn't my first language, either  ).

Have you checked out Pete Walker's website yet for ore information on CPTSD? http://www.pete-walker.com/

I am very sorry you had such a horrible time with your mother and also had to watch and endure (physical) harm. That is very traumatizing. I am also very sorry about the bullying you had to endure.  Your aunt sounds lovely and I am glad you found a safe haven with her. 

On the subject of having chosen the wrong field of study: That is very common and it is also very common that you find out about it while abroad. The question is how you want to procede now and I think the first thing you need to be clear on it how far along in your studies you are: If you've just begun (second to third semester), change your study. If you're further along than that, suck it up and finish this one first before moving onto another one that suits your interests better.

The reason I'm saying this is because in the future, you'll be virtually unemployable if you quit when halfway or more down your studies but if you finish this one before starting another in a field that suits you more, your future employers will see strength of character, determination and an ability to finish what you've started. All of these things will set you apart from other applicants in a good way. (Plus, if you've finished one diploma, you'll get credits if you start another course of study). No one cares that you've made the 'wrong' decision but how you deal with it is important for your future.

My other advice is that you talk to your aunt about it, about your reasons for thinking this might not be the thing for you after all and about your options how to procede from here on. She sounds like she'd understand and support you in coming to a decision.

Cheers and best wishes! kf 

[Wonderwall]

Hi keepfighting,

thank you so much for your nice words. I am already studying for a while, however, I am lacking some credits for really long research paper, that I have a hard time finishing due to my extreme perfectionism so I am not as far as I wanted to be at this point. My problem is, that I want to work in a different job area later and that is not really an area that I can access with my current degree. But there is a degree at my home university that would suit me a lot better and where I could also transfer some of my credits so I would not need to start from zero again.
Another issue is, that I can't just finish this degree and then start another undergraduate one, in the country where I am living I receive a governmental scholarship which I would only continue to get when I change or for a postgraduate degree (and I need that money). But a postgraduate degree in my preferred area is usually asking for a similar undergraduate degree.

[flookadelic]

Hello Wonderwall!

Your English is excellent. In fact I thought you were a native speaker.

*Trigger Warning re Religion*

It is a deep burden to never have been taken seriously, to never have been believed, to never have been understood or taken seriously. My parents were both born again fundamentalist Christians. Nothing I ever believed, or said mattered. I was *always* wrong. I really mean *always* My liberal instincts, my femininity (I'm trans) my...everything. Since my diagnosis this has really come to mind of late...but that's no bad thing. If we are aware of it we can work on it!

I hope you find a lot of healing and understanding here. Many blessings....flooky