Trigger warning part of my story ***trigger warning**** VIOLENCE

[LostHope]

I've been through some * in my life and I always thought I handled well enough.  I was molested by my uncle at the age of 6, stalked for 6 months and sexually assaulted multiple times by a fellow student when I was 12.  I was involved in a domestic violence relationship from 15 to 18years old that was predominately emotional abuse instead of physical.  After the relationship ended my daughter was born stillborn, she had died 2 weeks earlier.  2 years later I had my eldest son who is now 16 and a year later another son kaleb.  Unfortunately kaleb was very sick and after 4 days I was asked to turn his life support off and that really shook me to the bone as I held him the 8 hours living in purgatory as I waited for him to pass away.  I didn't handle his death well and spiralled into a deep depression for 7 years.  I'd been through a lot in my life and 14 years oni had my life back.  I came at the other side and was in the best mental health I could ever hope to have or have again.

2016 was when my life changed and it's just never gonna be the same.  I was held against my will for 4 days, tortured, raped, strangled, beaten, sexually assaulted and my kids witnessed it.  It led me to nightmares and flashbacks, but not just about the attack but from everything that had happened to me over my life, just this mass amount of trauma upon trauma tumbled down on me and my whole world crumbles before my eyes.  They say it's ptsd with an underlying  generalised anxiety disorder that includes social anxiety.  Complex ptsd.  How do I feel now?.......dead, like I'm not even meant to be here anymore, nothing seems right. 

I've written a bit about some of my story here and there and I would like to share the start of my ptsd journey with u.  I'll call this The bound hedge part 1

I'm sorry if this is too long. 

The start wasn't the attack, everyone would think that it is but it's not.  It started with my best friend Adrien of 17years and his sudden suicide, I was left shocked and devastated especially so since I had only spoken to him the night before due to my concern, we spoke for a bit and he reassured me before telling me that he would be up in a month to see me.  We said our goodbyes, little did I know it would be the last goodbye.  The next night Adrien was found dead hanging in the door frame of his bedroom. 

Grief does funny things to you, one of which is poor decisions as your not really thinking clear.  This was probably one of those times.  Adriens' mother was very religious and she refused to a hold a funeral for him at all, a lot of us who was close to him made the arrangements with his father (he had seperated from his wife when Adrien was very young).  His mother decided days later that she would have him cremated at an unknown funeral home and he was moved out of town to prevent anyone having a service for him.  We decided to have a memorial instead. 

I drove 8 hours to Mackay for the memorial to attend.  Whilst there I met another of Adrien's friends (for the purpose of this I will call this person X) someone I met a good 15 years ago a handful of times.  X mentioned to me that he was moving to cairns and I said to him any friend of Adriens is a friend of mine, that he would be welcome to stay with me until he could get set up.  I am a humanitarian at heart and enjoy helping people, it's why I became a nurse and I help work with homeless people.  After the memorial I drove the 8 hrs home and a couple weeks later X made contact to say he was coming to Cairns, he did so 3 weeks later.  In the beginning he stayed in a seperate room whilst he looked for work and a flat/unit of his own.  After a month or more had gone by X and I had started dating in a way.  That would have only lasted 10 days before he attacked me.

The day of the attack was the 12th April.  Seemed like another ordinary day.  I had a hospital appointment for port maintenance and afterwards I took X to Stoney creek falls for a swim as it was very hot.  Once we finished swimming we picked the boys up from school and went home.  We were sitting outside and the kids were playing in the back yard, we were having coffee and talking when he randomly asked to see my phone.  I said it's in my bag and that it was flat.  He told me to get it and I asked why.  He replied to look at the messages I had been getting.  I had broken the screen on my iphone a few days earlier and had a cheap replacement until I could get the screen replaced.  I said the only messages I would have on there is from mum and a couple friends (I hadn't even saved their numbers into the phone yet and hadn't planned too as it was just a temp replacement and I knew who it was by the number anyhow).  He told me to just get my phone so I did and he could see the phone was flat and asked my 7year old at the time to get the charger which my son did.  The phone sat on the charger for a little and I can't even remember what we spoke about before I said that I was going to the toilet. 

From the toilet I could hear him talking to my eldest who would have been 14 at the time.  He was saying things like I was a liar and nothing but a slut, my eldest was defending me saying that I wasn't.  In the toilet I had a feeling of dread come over me as well as anger of how could he be doing this.  This was the only warning sign I had, there was no other signs that remotely suggested for what would happen next.  I wiped, got out of the toilet, washed my hands and walked outside to see him on my phone, he told me I was a liar and dirty slut.  I said think what you like because I have done nothing wrong and asked for my phone.  His behaviour, how he looked at me was scaring me and I wanted to leave with the kids.  He said no and to diffuse the situation I just walked away into my paint studio to maybe do something there, that it might help him to realise I had nothing to hide nor done anything wrong.  Whilst in the studio he continued to throw insults at me and I ignored them. 

I was just sitting on the concrete preparing a palette to use and he came over putting his hands on the back of my neck and he pushed on me with all his weight.  It felt like I was being compressed into the concrete, the force was that strong it had literally ripped a large section of skin on the back of my neck.  I screamed in surprise at first and then "ow", he let go and knelt beside me.  Before I could say anything he asked me who's this, I said I don't know show me the number, *he waved the phone in my face* who's this he said again.  I don't know I said I can't see the number let me actually see the number so I can tell you.  He waved the phone at my face again and asked who's this number.  I started to say I don't know but only got as far as I before he began smashing the phone into my face around my mouth.  I felt the phone smash and little pieces of it was cutting as he continued.  When he had started my kids had run to my side and both of them were standing there just watching in shock as he did this.  I can't remember how many times he did, maybe 15 but I didn't even feel the pain until hours later.  He stopped and threw the broken phone that was covered in blood on the ground and started to hurl insults at me again. 

I got up and started walking into my room with intention of grabbing a jumper and a few things for the kids and me so I could leave.  He followed me and grabbed me by the back of my arms and pushed me into my youngest sons room, he turned me around and was holding my arms very hard and was yelling into my face, to tell him the truth.  I said that I have no idea what your talking about and for him to let me go.  I broke my arms free of his grip and ran into my room where the car keys were.  At first he didn't do anything.  I grabbed a coat and put it on put my keys into my pocket and started towards the door.  He grabbed me again and pushed me on the bed where I kinda plonked down in a seating position.  He was holding me by the arms again.  His voice was different this time, just tell me the truth he said soothingly, I again said I don't know what your on about X, there's no truth to tell.  (I was really scared and truly flabbergasted at what he meant).  He grabbed me by the hair and started smashing my head into the headboard yelling at me, as he smashed my head into the headboard he was sticking his fingers in between my legs and calling me names. This continued for maybe 2mins maybe more but it felt forever.  He let go of me, my head was swimming and white dots flashed across my eyes with intense pain, I tried to stand and fell back a bit before eventually standing somewhat straight.  I yelled at him to get his * and get the * out of my house now.  My kids were at my bedroom door and had seen what happened, I told them to get in the car which they ran to do as I swayed down the hallway  to get to the car. 

He allowed me to get to the car before coming at me again.  I don't know why he did this but he continually let me go and then when I would try get away he would come back and start again.  He did this over the next 4 days, that's something I'll never understand.  Once I had gotten to the car he grabbed me by the arms again and turned me to face him.  Different voice again, just let me talk to you for 5 mins he said.  I said no, that what he has done was highly inappropriate just let me go.  Just 5mins please, I promise he says back.  I again say no just let me go.  5mins please I promise.  My head is still swimming and aching terribly.  I thought maybe he would let me go after 5 mins so I agreed.  I stumbled out the back again and sat in a chair.  He  had his arms on either side of the chair bent over looking into my face.  All I want is for you to tell me the truth.  I said I have told you the truth I haven't done anything.  I said the only person I had been with was him.  His hand reaches out and grabs my jaw squeezing the sides pushing in just near my cheeks. Tell me the truth, I couldn't talk so put my arms up to stop him.  He let go and my hands dropped down.  He says again to tell him the truth, I start to say I have but manage I before he puts his hand around my neck.  I was gasping for air and tried to put my hands up to stop him again, he used his other hand preventing me.  I saw my youngest son walk behind him and I will never forget the look of terror that was in his face and I remember thinking that I will not let my son look at my eyes as I die.  White dots were clouding my vision and I was making sounds like "ughff" trying to breath.  I closed my eyes and I went silent.  I could feel my body get heavy.  I think this scared X because he instantly let go and I started gasping in air.  I tried to get up and fell to the ground.  By this time I could see my eldest boy next to his younger brother.  I started to crawl away a bit and then tried to stand.  Trying to get away again.  Anyway I could. 

He stopped me again.  This time grabbing my arms and holding them behind me.  I tried to wriggle away from his grip but I couldn't.  I couldn't speak at first, nothing would come out but squeaks that made me cough. I managed to tell my eldest to wait inside for me.  (My eldest has autism, he didn't know what to do or how to help me, they both also were in shock. My eldest had a phone but it had no credit and he thought he wouldn't have been able to call 000 with no credit.  His autism makes it hard to talk to strangers as well. Either no one heard what was going or no one cared from our neighbors).   After 15 mins of standing, nothing said just being held with my arms behind me and I had stopped struggling and wriggling out X leg my arms go to my side and he grabbed me in like a bear hug with my arms pinned the side and his arms wrapped around me, his hands were inside my coat either side of my ribs.  He began asking again to tell him the truth, I said I have, fingers pinching near my ribs on both sides.  Tell me the truth he says again, I said I have, fingers now digging Into both sides of my rib cage.  He continuously asked me, he continuously held me, he continuously pinched the skin between my ribs and dug his fingers into my ribs.  After about an hour I stopped responding. He continued doing this well into the night.  At one point I said that I won't lie to you and tell you what you want to hear because I have told you the truth but you won't believe me.  I had gone into shock myself.  Eventually he stopped asking and stopped pinching and digging in my ribs.  My entire body ached.  After maybe 4hrs later I asked to sit down, my legs were sore and i wanted a smoke.  He let me sit down on the ground but he held my ankle. 

I had a smoke and he had one too.  Felt like an hour had passed and he had let my ankle go.  I didn't dare move in case he started again.  I didn't think there was any way for me to get out of that house that night.  I started thinking how else I could out.  I thought maybe if he trusted me I could leave the house and then get help.  What felt like another hour passed and I decided that if did something small that let him know I wasn't trying to leave anymore.  I needed to pee badly and I really just wanted a shower and get the blood off me.  I got up and he didn't stop me, I walked inside and he didn't stop me.  My heart was beating a thousand miles a min wondering when and if he would.  He sat and watched me.  I felt robotic in movement as I walked.  I found my eldest and youngest asleep in my eldest bed.  My heart said and I knew there's no way I can do anything tonight.  I went to the toilet and peed, it hurt and it hurt to wipe.  I could hear him moving a chair outside.  I walked into the bathroom and undressed.  My face was covered in blood.  My bottom lip was split, fat and swollen. There was bruises all around my mouth and chin and it was all swollen and puffy.  The sides of my ribs were badly bruised, swollen and  there was dried blood on either side.  Bruising around my neck.  My head and the back of my neck was aching.  I got into the shower and at first I just sat on the ground with my legs curled up and allowed the warm water to run over me.  After about 15mins I then furiously went about getting the blood off of me and cleaning myself trying to get clean.  Felt like I scrubbed myself clean for ages before I curled up in a ball on the ground again allowing the warm water to flow over me.  When the water started to go cold I got out, dried off and walked to my bedroom to get dressed.  I hopped into bed as I was do tired and thought maybe I could get a little sleep and hoping he would leave me alone enough to get some before thinking of a new way to get out tomorrow

[sanmagic7]

what a horrible experience, losthope.  unfortunately, i couldn't read it all, but i got the gist.  i'm so very sorry you went through all that. 

just want to send you warmth and peace for today and always from now on. 

[Elphanigh]

Much like sanmagic, I have a hard time reading descriptions of violence. It took me a while to get through it as I had to come back a few times. I am so sorry that you have been through all of that. It is amazing how strong you have been, and I am grateful you have found this place.

You will find alot of support and understanding here. Lots of warm, safe hugs if you want them