I thought it was just me...

[glondonsmith]

Finding this website has been amazing - suddenly I feel like there is hope, and that I am not just on a slow spiral into insanity.  I really thought this was all just me - that I wasn't strong enough, that I had a problem with unforgiveness, that everyone else can just handle things better that me and that I was just wasn't enough.

I was seeing a psychiatrist a few years ago, and he said that what I was sharing sounded like C-PTSD, but then nothing was ever explored around it - and he just focused on the medication side of things for me.  I hadn't even remembered that he had even said that, until recently.

**I don't know if this could be a trigger for anyone?  Like I said - I thought it was all just me...*

The issue I was seeing the psychiatrist for was - my husband was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes at 21, and we got married at 23.  My husband is a very structured and regimented person - which was also how he dealt with his diabetes.  He worked hard to keep his blood sugars as close to normal as possible - which would lead to him having hypoglycemic episodes in the middle of the night.  During these episodes I would wake up to him "twitching" or "shuddering", and being incoherent - which would require me having to force him to have sugar syrup or drink juice.  During these times he would act out - getting angry telling me to leave him alone and that he was fine, pushing/shoving me away, hitting the juice out of my hands, etc.   This would happen approx 2-3 a week.  It got to where if he would twitch in his sleep - I would go from asleep, to on my feet running out of our bedroom for juice - regardless if he was actually low or not.  I was hyper-vigalint, even at "rest".  When we had been married for about 2 years, he had his first hypoglycemic seizure - which was a grand-mal type seizure.  During and after the seizure - he would be even more agitated and aggressive than usual, I would almost say (although it is really difficult for me to admit this) violent.  This pattern went on for 18 years - the weekly lows and a major seizure every 2 years or so. He would never remember anything afterwards - so he would just apologize and move on, while I felt like I was on a slow descent into madness.  All this I carried on my own - I never really spoke to anyone about it, because I didn't want to dishonor or embarrass my husband.  Even though 2 of his seizures were witnessed by family members - I never said anything afterwards, and no one ever said anything to me.  The last seizure he had was really bad - and afterwards he said he remembered becoming violent with the paramedic, when I told him it was me he had been violent with, he got really upset, and finally changed the way he manages his diabetes.  For the last couple of years he has been really good - no seizures, very few lows at night (maybe a couple times a year).  He has apologized for that time in our life.  He has moved on...I have not.  I still feel stressed, broken, and still startle in the middle of the night when he twitches.

Looking back, I have begun to recognize how unhealthy that was (to not talk about it) - and examining why that was, and realizing that it is a theme that has run (and still runs) through my entire life.  As a child, my father was a diagnosed NPD, and my family never talked about anything (unless it was about my dad) -
- I was raised in "fire and brimstone" Christian denomination - and I was always in trouble for asking questions or raising doubts.  I was just a thinker - but it was seen as being willful and sinful.  I would get demons cast from me regularly!  You were not allowed to ask questions or try to discuss anything - you were expected to accept blindly.
- my family was in a major head on collision while on holiday in a foreign country when I was 10, where 3 people died (including my grandmother) and both my parents were hospitalized for 6 weeks - and I was put into foster care (in a strange country)...we never talked about it, never went to counseling - nothing.
- when I was 11 I was basically molested at a town pool by a group of teenage boys - I tried to talk to my mother about it, and she said I shouldn't swim near teenage boys, and that was it - never talked about anything else.
- my father attempted suicide when I was 21 - my mother tried not to tell me about it, never saying anything for almost a week, until she finally admitted he was in hospital when I was like "seriously where is Dad?!?"

These are just a few things I went through, but this post is already getting too wordy! But all this to say - I have had a whole lifetime of silence - and I have realized that it is killing me.  I am tired of feeling afraid, broken, inauthentic, and silenced.  Discovering this forum has been amazing - it puts air in my lungs, and makes me feel like I might actually be able to survive this. 

Sorry again for being so wordy.  And thank you so much for giving me a space to have a voice.

~ g

[sanmagic7]

hey, glondonsmith,

no, absolutely it is not just you!  welcome - i'm just so glad you found us.

your voice is important here, and deserves to be heard.  i can totally relate to being silent and not seen or heard.  speaking my truth here has helped me so much, the people are so caring, gentle, kind, and supportive.  it is truly a healing community.

speak up, speak out, speak any way you like.  getting that poison out is important.  the universe will take it away and dispose of it naturally.  no shame or blame here.  it is your space, your recovery.  happy to have you here.