First post...(trigger warning)..Cant believe Ive resorted to a forum

[Hidingbehindwords]

So this is the first post for me.
I have  not been to therapy or on medication for about a year, and I have an appointment with a new therapist on the ninth. I have been waiting for almost a month to get in with the doctor and honestly I am looking forward to it....At first I thought I just wanted anxiety medication to bandage my panic attacks again, but I have realized bandaging only works for so long--I got married a year ago and I quit taking my medication and going to therapy because I thought I didn't need to anymore
I also started my job writing for the county paper at the same time--I thought I was finally 'together' and could be an adult and I didn't really need fixing anymore....
Now I have so much anxiety I literally am shaky 24/7, I sweat so much I can only wear certain colors, I question nearly everything I say before I say it which is even worse being a journalist in a small town.....I feel like no one really knows what I am going through.
I know writing is a way for me to vent and it feels good to get all of this out...I forget sometimes that not everyone can see my past all over my face.
My first boyfriend (I lost my virginity to him when i was 15) emotionally, physically and sexually abused me. He was in and out of my life all through high school and into college, eventually he moved in with me my sophomore year and we got an apartment together my junior year...what a mistake.
I guess I thought fixing our bad relationship made me feel better somehow? I remember the first time he hit me I literally just thought 'that didn't just happen.'
Whenever my husband and I even have a small fight, I can't handle it.
I get a tight feeling in my chest and I feel like my body is weighted down--sometimes I'm not even in my body and waves of weird pain wash over me and I try  not to cry because he will think I am crazy.
And my husband and I have a great relationship---we are best friends. But whenever I talk about my past or going to the doctor its like he doesn't want to hear it--he says it hurts him. I understand that but I dont know how to get him to understand I need to release....
Or is that wrong? Is it wrong to let yourself break down when your husband is at work? or stay up at night to have a panic attack while he is in bed, just 'to get it out'? (And all that triggered the panic attack was trivial bickering.....it makes me feel so crazy)
I'm always thinking the fight will escalate even though it never has, with him.
I am so angry that this stupid boy who infected my life when I was 15 is still causing my life pain like a demon....I'm in my early 20's.
I know my perception of relationships was affected because of him, and it feels so unfair.
I also had an abortion when I was 16, with him, and I was going to kill myself because I was so ashamed....instead my sister had a dream that I was pregnant (divine intervention, i believe) and she confronted me.
I never really chose to have it....it was like an expected thing. i could have died!!!! I can't believe i was at that point in my life.....I believe in God and I was baptized last fall. I always thought I was going to * before and i self destructed, thinking i deserved him i think.....
There is so much crazy * to my story.
I feel like i have so much built up i am going to explode; and trying to be a good wife and a good journalist and a good christian all at the same time is just SO HARD SOMETIMES.... I cant believe i have resorted to a forum for support. what does that in itself mean???


On top of it, he attempted to strangle me to death after I was sexually assaulted, because 'it was my fault'
Sometimes I think the devil has had all of this happen to me and has tried to win me, but God wouldn't let that happen, I was saved.....maybe he 'scarred' me with these stories so i can help others??

or is that another coping mechanism? I actually tried to volunteer for a christian women's ministry and went to one meeting--i then attempted to fill out the application but found it so difficult i knew i couldn't help others when i have so much going on myself,....still.
After three years.
Three years I have been in a safe environment and away from him.



Will therapy really help me? I went for six months and was on several meds, but I had so many panic attacks and episodes at the doctor....
Sometimes i have to get up from my desk at work and cry in the bathroom because of something i even just read.
Its like these bad feelings are constantly lurking right under the surface, ready to strike and take me down anytime.

[Candid]

Hi Hidingbehindwords 

I can't answer your questions, but I too had a partner who beat me up (I married him ) and I know what it's like trying to carry on as a professional when you're worn out with suffering.

Sometimes i have to get up from my desk at work and cry in the bathroom...

That was my tactic, too.

You're in good company here. We all have stories to tell, and varying experiences with psych meds and/or therapy. Take a deep breath, read for a while, and I guarantee you'll find comfort and safety here.

[SE7]

Hi, I am replying to what you wrote: "I cant believe i have resorted to a forum for support. what does that in itself mean?"

I'm just wondering why you perceive posting on a support forum as a negative thing?
It sounds like you think it's beneath you or implies something bad, or that we here who do it are somehow bad?

I think of support forums like this one as a total BLESSING because everyone struggling with such severe issues can explain very difficult and painful details to others who understand, which is not something you can just do face to face with anyone. I prefer online support any day over medication or a therapist (for me, I understand it works for others but it's not for me -- I have been through so many therapists who just couldn't quite grasp my complex set of issues).

One of the first things I learned when I joined recovery communities in my late 20s many years ago was the first step in the 12 step groups:
"We admitted we were powerless over (fill in the blank -- anxiety, depression, addiction, abuse, codependency, etc.) and that our lives had become unmanageable." First we had to ADMIT it was a problem.

My guess is that if you are judging yourself just for seeking support here, then maybe you haven't yet totally accepted what has happened to you? Or that you haven't accepted that you are having issues as a result of it? 

In this situation I would start with the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity
to Accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
and Wisdom to know the difference, Amen.



p.s. the bathroom has also been my hiding place many times in workplaces! I was the expert at it, lol