Dating with CPTSD

[ricepen22]

I don't know if this is the write place to put this.

I am not ready to date due to recent events. However looking through this board has made me question, how people have managed to date with CPTSD ?

How do people trust?

How do people deal with putting themselfs out there?

How have people delt with triggers that come along?

etc

[Blueberry]

My answer is pretty simple but probably not helpful: I don't.

Apart from a platonic non-relationship with a man over quite a few years (not any more though), I have never been in a relationship. I would run a mile rather than get in one. I would feel an inexpressible vulnerability. And I'm terrified of anything sexual. For reasons unknown to me I abhor 'to date' as an expression. It turns me right off. Has nothing to do with you though, so please don't apologise for posting the topic.

[Supervixn87]

Very good question.

Cptsd is constant suffering.  Between triggering, hyperarousal, hypervigilence, despair, anger, negativity, isolation, alientation, and exhaustion, there is little room for peace. I'm blessed beyond my ability to fully comprehend, to be in a serious relationship with a truly wonderful man who is restoring my faith in men and in people in general. I'm with a man I know I can trust. I am incredibly lucky. I'll elaborate...

I know at my core I am a very challenging person because of cptsd.  It's made me a particular way. I trust no one. I hate people.   But I dont want to be that way.  So I'm trying to be different, not just for me, but for the very very few people I really do love.

Just always be yourself.  You are who you are. You're a work in progress.  All you can ever be expected to do is to be yourself and keep trying.

Communicate honestly about yourself and your feelings about things. Communicate to create understanding, so that people know where you're coming from. Strive for clarity.  These are necessities and you cannot get anywhere with anyone until you constantly strive for those.  Make it a priority to you. You're important. How you feel and who you are is important.

Triggering makes everything 100x harder.  The danger is no longer present, but your mind is now trained to see it everywhere. It's illogical and counterproductive. For instance, a person knows logically as an adult that they will never again be 5 years old and being molested by someone they trusted.  This situation just cannot repeat itself in its purest form because the situation has changed.  But something happens and boom, you're back feeling like that little girl, etc. And that's a really confusing thing. It's hard to understand it yourself much less help someone else understand.  But it's all you can do, is to try.  It's important to be honest about your feelings and the fact that you've been through some horrible things that challenge you on a daily basis. Cptsd is a monster.

I think the lack of trust is a symptom of why we isolate as cptsd sufferers. We are afraid of people seeing our pain. Or being unable to hide it, or fear that people wont understand you, or you fear they may think you're crazy.  Work on getting past it. Work hard. Remind yourself not to care what people think about you. You have been through things traumatic enough to harm your ability to trust, and that's just what the deal is.  Don't feel bad or ashamed about something you had no control over.

I wish someone would have told me a long time ago: "you don't have to feel good for the benefit of others". You are entitled to every feeling you have and the first positive sign as far as relationships go is finding someone who RESPECTS and acknowledges your feelings.  You have every right to feel how you do about any and everything. I truly believe that feelings communicate ideas and beliefs to us... they help us examine things. It's painful a lot of the time. Accept your feelings and seek to understand the deeper meaning behind them... there's room for growth behind any bad feeling or thought.

The only thing I did different in this relationship as opposed to the others is that, when i was sure i was dealing with a reasonable man who was interested in my life, I was 100% unapologetically honest about myself. Not all at once of course. But I did it at a pace that felt right to me.

It started as a long distance relationship, and it helped me to communicate either by writing or by phone. I felt more in control those ways than if it had been face to face. I think feeling a sense of personal control is important to cptsd sufferers. Getting to leave a situation when it's getting to be too much, it's easier to hang up a phone than leave a restaurant.

I tried to be completely self reliant because of trust issues and I still really struggle with it. I thought it was important to be that way. 100% of the time.  Emotionally, mentally, physically, relationally.  I thought it felt better and safer to rely only on myself and it was, because I didn't have to risk trusting anyone. I learned early, of all the people in the world, I was the only one I could rely on and trust.  But people are social beings.  We aren't meant to be always alone.  Even the biggest introvert needs a sense of connection and belonging to another person. It's a hard wired need that I fought.  I never let anyone too close to me.  I still fight myself to allow myself trusting  engagement with others. It's hard and I don't always do a great job but I'm trying and thats what matters.

Trust takes time. Healing takes time.  But you can't get there until you are willing to try.  You're gonna get hurt, dont be afraid to hurt sometimes.  You're going to grow and get better for it.  Examine your thoughts and feelings.  Stick with the truth always.  Communicate to create understanding.  You'll be just fine, you will end up where you're meant to be, not just for yourself but for other people too.

And I literally can never write a short reply. Hahaha... sheesh.  Reply? I think not. I'll write a chapter lol.

[ricepen22]

Thankyou for the reply's

I am really grateful for both and the fact that you put such effort in to reply is lovely

[Supervixn87]

Of course.

You are worthy of healthy human connection. Keep trying, remember to be kind to yourself. You will get there with the right attitude, I promise. Just always try. You're worth more than you know and you are worthy of healthy love and the world needs you. You got this! Good luck

[ricepen22]

Thankyou 

[woodsgnome]

This subject tears at my core. I live isolated, but crave connection. My phobia has always been people; they scare me, and yet I want connection. Or, what suits me better these days, is to put the scary parts in a past tense--they scared me then. but I'm on a new journey now. I'm still learning where I can safely venture. but the territory seems less foreboding, too.

I'm not back to consider what's called dating yet, but it's at least reached the possibility stage. My comfort level with others in general is definitely in a different zone of late, due in some measure to experiencing an event with others where my comfort zone with all my 'stuff' was challenged, and I think strengthened.

While I'm less fearful, I can still feel some of the old fear(s), albeit less pronounced than formerly. Some of that includes my almost stifling fear of sexual activity (I don't think I need to explain that here). This happened in past relationships, too; one time I literally freaked out and totally startled my partner, but was still unable to fully explain. I recently ran into that person again, did reminisce a bit--including that horrible night--and understanding replaced the mystery of the 'why'. Doesn't mean we'll hook up again in other than platonic friendship, but being honest in that regard created a whole different dynamic. Sure there's a what if nostalgic part that lingers, but we accept that we're on different roads now.

If that makes any sense, I still have the fears, but if I do end up in some sort of dating life again, I'll be less avoidant about it; honesty has to be total, including the risk of potentially embarrassing realities (btw, the other person might indeed have these as well--it's not always just you. If the connection on all levels is there to begin with, perhaps the sexual part can find its place, too. It won't match the movie versions of life, but they're often based on lots on story imagery devoid of reality. The latter includes honesty, and that doesn't necessarily come easy, but it can seem like light years difference if the truthful level is regarded with reverence.

While I'm not suggesting wearing a sign saying 'ask me about cptsd' I'm open to its impact, difficult as that may be. It might seem like one is alone with this, but many entries on this forum puts that notion to the test. My first relationship is with myself, and being honest there seems key to unlocking the still daunting (but doable) prospect of connecting to another soul with expressions of love. Regardless, love is never 'made' like the common phrase suggests; it's shared, starts with self-love, and expands beyond. While that's not easy at first take, honesty in all its facets is all that matters in any sort of relationship.

Ricepen22 asked about triggers and such. Triggers come and go, but true love remains. And the love can even flourish, well beyond what was once considered a stretch of one's comfort zone.