Feels like the confusion's gone

[Montys]

I think in terms of this forum I'm pretty young compared to everyone else. Not a minor, but young enough where I had access to the internet growing up. During my teen years I would lock myself up in my room and obsessively try to figure out what was wrong with me mentally, because my parents wouldn't take me to see a psychologist (the one time they did, it was because they accused me of being a psychopath because I don't like to be touched, and the therapist would force me to hug them and gave my parents an extra excuse to touch me when I didn't want them to). I've definitely had all kinds of anxiety disorders and depression, but there was always something more to it that I couldn't ever quite figure out.

I thought maybe I was bipolar or had BPD or maybe was in the process of developing a psychotic disorder or maybe a dissociative disorder. It wasn't until college that I heard about c-PTSD, because my friend has it and she has a very similar childhood experience to mine, and it feels like everything makes a lot more sense now.

I spend hours every day mulling over my childhood, because I was raised by conservative evangelical protestants, on top of being a gay trans man which only worsened things. I've been angry because I'm so unable to make any kind of intimate connection with anyone but I can't see a therapist because of money and my location. But I do have to admit I feel much more at peace knowing that all the mood swings I had and all the nightmares and panic attacks and failed relationships and social anxiety I had finally has a name.

[sanmagic7]

i totally agree with you, montys, that when i found out about c-ptsd and how it fit me, so much of the confusion of my life lifted.  things made sense, especially about my choices in life, how i acted in relationships, why i picked the people i picked to be friends with, and why i usually stayed too long, allowing years and years of abuse.

i'm very happy for you that you can see what's been going on with and around you now.  it makes all the difference.  how about a cyber hug - will that work?

[Montys]

Cyber hug definitely works. 

[Wife#2]

Montys, It think you will find helpful, kind people and a few kindred spirits as well!

Some have been 'church-hurt' - and while I am not gay, I do sympathize with THAT experience.

Anyway, we're glad that your college friend talked to you, helped you find a place of safety and friendship. We aren't professionals trying to force you into a box, we're fellow travelers on this path to wellness. Welcome. This experience of this website is designed to be at your pace, as you feel safe and comfortable, with lots of tools and advice you can take or leave as suits your situation.

Thank you for joining us. Thank your friend for giving you hope! You are not alone. You do deserve to be heard without judgment. We're here, ready when you are.