time has not healed all my wounds

[Rubyfog]

This is a vent post...There are days when things feel simply hopeless...when I turn the anger back in and on myself. I can be doing very well...and then someone will suggest that what I have experienced is simply too dark to deal with whilst simultaneously telling me that my reactions...usually anger or deep sorrow only serves to aggrandize the person who targeted me. What I hear then...emotionally speaking...is that I ought to pretend that I'm Ok...indeed need to pretend it's ok to protect my family from further trauma. So I do....this, of course, warps the anger back around whilst I stumble about re-evaluating whatever progress, thought, or emotion I am experiencing. The single most frustrating thing I hear is how the abuser must have suffered to get to where they are...pathologically speaking...and I get that...but...I'm angry as well...because I didn't  deserve, cause or create the stalker...and I have to allow myself some anger If I'm going to heal up...I feel like it's a part of taking back my power. Is healing possible with a small amount/ zero validation...and are bouts of anger normal?? What does a timeline for healing look like to folks. I moved and went radio silent a bit less than a year ago.

[ricepen22]

 

yer, CPTSD is a pain in the *, I wish it would just hurry the F*** up and stop messing with me.
So yeah you are not alone. It's annoing and frustraiting. I want to just get over things, but will my head, nope.
And your stalker is an *. He or she was week and there is no time for weekness. Its not for you to suffer for there weekness.

Anyway I hope my rant helps yours, lol. You are not alone and we feel you.

[Candid]

Invalidation of our experience is abuse, Rubyfog.

I know... it feels like we have to clear the decks in our relationships, but how? We can't be NC with the whole world, can we?

Oh wait... There's plenty of evidence here on the forum that there are good people out there. 'All' we need to do is change ourselves, adjust our radars so we find or attract them IRL as well. Easier said than done, right?

The single most frustrating thing I hear is how the abuser must have suffered to get to where they are...

I too feel outraged when someone I've confided in automatically defends the abuser they've never met. Let others sympathise with them; what we need is compassion from the people around us, and compassion for ourselves. I can do that on a good day... until someone bursts in on my inner dialogue and tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Is healing possible with a small amount/ zero validation...and are bouts of anger normal??

The idea is to practise self-validation. We can practise that on the forum, with help from other members. But yes, bouts of anger are normal. I wish I had such bouts! instead of constant irritability towards myself and others.

What does a timeline for healing look like to folks.

I'm stuck on what healing might look like, never mind a timeline. I believe it's a lifelong process, especially for the older ones among us, but that every small gain improves our experience of life. That's what we're looking for: incremental improvement.

[sanmagic7]

i totally agree with candid - let others feel sorry for the abusers of the world if they so wish.  let them forgive them if they want to.  if it doesn't work for me, then it's not mine to do.  like you said,  rubyfog, you didn't create the abusers, that belongs to someone else. 

your anger is valid and valuable for your health, well-being, and recovery.  we honor that anger here, and celebrate you being able to release it.  ricepen did a great job of an angry rant in support!!  and, i'll just add this to abusers everywhere - BITE ME!!!   big hug to you.

[Candid]

to abusers everywhere - BITE ME!!! 

[Rubyfog]

yer, CPTSD is a pain in the *, I wish it would just hurry the F*** up and stop messing with me.
So yeah you are not alone. It's annoing and frustraiting. I want to just get over things, but will my head, nope.
And your stalker is an *. He or she was week and there is no time for weekness. Its not for you to suffer for there weekness.

Anyway I hope my rant helps yours, lol. You are not alone and we feel you.

Yes It helps quite a bit! Thank you for replying! My thoughts exactly on hurry the ^&*% up already!

[Rubyfog]

Invalidation of our experience is abuse, Rubyfog.
yes...sigh

Oh wait... There's plenty of evidence here on the forum that there are good people out there. 'All' we need to do is change ourselves, adjust our radars so we find or attract them IRL as well. Easier said than done, right?
about as easy as Shakespearian dinner theater whilst sky diving!!!


I too feel outraged when someone I've confided in automatically defends the abuser they've never met. Let others sympathise with them; what we need is compassion from the people around us, and compassion for ourselves. I can do that on a good day... until someone bursts in on my inner dialogue and tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Days on days off...a bit like wax on wax off! I find it very difficult to pund out the compassion whilst the bullying is happening!


The idea is to practise self-validation. We can practise that on the forum, with help from other members. But yes, bouts of anger are normal. I wish I had such bouts! instead of constant irritability towards myself and others.
This is very validating thank you! It's so awful (because it happened to you too) and so good to know I'm not entirely alone in this!



I'm stuck on what healing might look like, never mind a timeline. I believe it's a lifelong process, especially for the older ones among us, but that every small gain improves our experience of life. That's what we're looking for: incremental improvement.
Yes, that I can do...only problem is sometimes I overlook it!

[Rubyfog]

i totally agree with candid - let others feel sorry for the abusers of the world if they so wish.  let them forgive them if they want to.  if it doesn't work for me, then it's not mine to do.  like you said,  rubyfog, you didn't create the abusers, that belongs to someone else. 

your anger is valid and valuable for your health, well-being, and recovery.  we honor that anger here, and celebrate you being able to release it.  ricepen did a great job of an angry rant in support!!  and, i'll just add this to abusers everywhere - BITE ME!!!   big hug to you.

Thank you for the hug and reassurance!  Bite me!!!  :bigwink:def. a bit of a laugh for me there! I kept thinking of bender from Futurama!

[Rubyfog]

to abusers everywhere - BITE ME!!! 

INDEED! 

[Dee]

Time doesn't heal wound, that is a myth.  Sometimes I think time allows it to fester and get infected.  Any good therapist will tell you this.

Most abusers have been abused (true), yet most people who are abused do not go on to abuse.  There is no excuse.  I find it hard to justify anyone hurting another when they know what it is like to be hurt.

It's also okay to not be okay.  I agree with faking it when it comes to not isolating.  However, it takes a lot of courage to take of the mask we all have felt we had to wear.

[Candid]

Most abusers have been abused (true), yet most people who are abused do not go on to abuse. 

Wouldn't that mean abused people are becoming fewer? And that child abuse will eventually be gone from our species?

[sanmagic7]

would that that were so, candid.  unfortunately, new abusers pop up every day.  then there is also the generic abuse, like the slave rings, forced adult labor, or children working in factories that is only generated out of greed. 

i can feel for those abusers who have been abused and go on to do what they've been taught.  i admire those who push through it somehow and do something different.   i used to always look at an abuser as having been abused, and felt sorry for him/her.  too many of them, however, are educated people who should know better.   they know they're doing wrong cuz they hide from the truth, avoid it, dodge it, and continue to do what they do in secret. 

my ex is one of these.  college educated, very intelligent, years of therapy with different types of therapists, 12-step and other support groups, lived with a therapist, knew the ropes, could have gotten help at any time in so many different ways, but he kept it to himself, avoided being honest on purpose so he could continue what he was doing.  he once bragged to me about what a great liar he was that his female therapist, who he'd been seeing for over 1 1/2 yrs. denied that he was a misogynist when he brought it up to her after our daughter called him out on it.  he got off on having that kind of power.

i understand he liked the feeling of power it gave him, someone who felt fear and powerlessness all his life.  still, i will allow someone else to do the forgiving if they so desire.  i have bowed out of that.  my energy, sympathy and compassion are worth more elsewhere.   

dee, i agree with you that time doesn't heal wounds.  all it does is give those wounds a chance to grow and remain raw.  bandaids don't help, either.  those wounds must be explored, cleaned out, and carefully and properly treated if they are to actually heal.  there may be scars, but no more infection, no more poison to damage the mind and soul. 

the people on this forum are doing the work necessary to eradicate the poison and change the damage done to our brains and minds.  if we were abusers, we are doing all we can to change thought patterns, perspectives, and perceptions of ourselves and others so it doesn't happen again.  i admire each and every one of us.  hugs to all.