Endless and extensive grieving

[periwinklesquid]

Hi! New here though came across this site a few times in the past few months.

I've been trying desperately for years to cling onto the edges of my denial and to keep working on my job and myself. I've a forceful personality, and it's my nature to brute force things, and it's gotten to the point in my therapy and through recent life events I cannot deny anymore. I need a break.

I've been taking time off work, and I've been meditating, reading, and actively grieving/journalling as much as my body/inner child demands. It just feels endless. I feel better after crying my heart out and actively choosing to feel it and to try and connect with myself through the experience, but it feels like being hit with one intense wave, getting a brief rest and then being smashed with another. When I try and do more positive, happy things to bolster myself and my inner child, I simply don't want to do anything. I feel trapped in these feelings, like doing anything other than recovery is a distraction and in turn, my inner child feels betrayed and abandoned. I am just about managing to feed and water myself because I take that as a strong act of self-love. I cuddle her and I promise her I'll never leave her, and I keep holding to my promise. I anger at my abuser's and the recent let downs, the unfairness of the situation I'm in. I've worked to try and create a safe space for me to dissolve.

I guess I'm worried that if I let go completely into the grief, I'll lose myself entirely. But I want to keep my promise to her and do whatever the * she needs, even if that's crying for hours and hours over the insurmountable grief and betrayal I've experienced my whole life.

Is there anyone else out there who's had an experience of effectively having to take a pause to breakdown and was this the right thing? I'm trying to protect myself and heal the best I can.

[Candid]

Welcome to the forum, periwinklesquid!

it's gotten to the point in my therapy and through recent life events I cannot deny anymore. I need a break.

You know what you need. If you can, take it.

I guess I'm worried that if I let go completely into the grief, I'll lose myself entirely. But I want to keep my promise to her and do whatever the * she needs, even if that's crying for hours and hours over the insurmountable grief and betrayal I've experienced my whole life.

First disbelief, then grief, then anger. Then grief again, and more anger. It's a long road, but it's about finding yourself rather than losing yourself.

Is there anyone else out there who's had an experience of effectively having to take a pause to breakdown and was this the right thing? I'm trying to protect myself and heal the best I can.

I know. We'd like life on hold while we get ourselves together, but life can't be put on hold. IMO we know what's right for ourselves, and we have to follow that, even if -- as in my case -- it's the lesser of two evils.

A  from me and I'm glad you found this forum.

[Hazy111]

I am having time out, but i am struggling with it, the shame and guilt i suffer.

I know people who havent worked for years and years and are quite happy with themselves. But i guess theres no inner critic super ego trying to derail them

I had a life crisis. A relationship ended and i was effectively forced out of my job which was long hours and stressful. I was off sick for a long time and then became drastically depressed. I realized i needed help. My problems were  insurmountable, i was having a breakdown and just couldnt move or act and i started therapy. I attempted to go back to work, but i just couldnt do it.

My inner child as my T was explaining to me, just wanted a break. He told me he didnt work for 10 years, i dont know how he did it, but he said your personal recovery is more important than your career. He said it was the best thing that i gave up my job, but i still dont know. I know this is impracticable for a lot of people, but if the job is stressful or you cant concentrate on it, then i think thats an answer to your question.

You have to do what you think is best. I am only now coming to terms with the guilt and shame of leaving my job. I blamed myself. I dont like the fact im not working, i feel a failure. I dont think im in a good place to go back to work anyway, as recovery seems paramount now. But i dont want to see myself like this. I want to heal fast, but theres no quick fix. Taking a day at a time if possible.

My T said you had done well to have got as far as you did in life. This is some solace. Also the fact some people have no idea of their pain and ploughing on regardless.

The therapy is difficult and hard and i understand that theres so much there, that has to be addressed. At least you can cry, thats therapy. I struggle to as it makes me feel vulnerable. But when i do , the damn bursts and the inner child speaks!

Dont feel guilted or shamed like me, in sounds like youre really in touch with your inner child which is good.

My T said it takes as long as it takes. If it is possible , maybe you can speak to your inner child and say i need to do X,Y and Z today or this week , but i will answer to your needs when im done. I wont forget you.

I dont know that it is the right thing im doing, as i feel like an outsider in life now. My inner critic is powerful and shaming, driving me down. Get back to work. But my inner child is shouting loudly too. Do i listen to it or basically my internalized mother . I think i know the answer

Another thing i read, is what is called a breakdown, is something that has already been experienced in early childhood and its a repetition of that. As we just dont have the skills , tools , equipment to handle what we are going through now. We adapted to survive when we were young, to keep us alive , but we cant do it all again as an adult during a crisis, something has to give. I dont know if if you can relate to this or if its true.

Self love is a start, which appears what you are doing. Good luck with your recovery  There are are many on here i think can support you.

[Contessa]

Hello periwinklesquid

Love the name! Wish i'd chosen something like that, suits my personality better than Contessa.

For years I kept pushing through things, but was not working anywhere near as well as I should, and was losing confidence and capability. Was even having some breakdowns, but didn't give myself the time to work through anything properly. It was no good for me or anyone else.

Last year a massive break down finally happened, thanks to an abusive partner who clearly had a PD. This time I finally allowed it to take hold of everything (thanks to an understanding work superior, and nearby parents with my old bedroom spare).

This time I gave in and stopped trying to control what I couldn't, and allowed myself to exist as a vegetable. My parents brought me food, cleaned my clothes, and I only left the house to shop for therapists.

I know that is not possible for many people to do that. After three months I finally started to do little things for myself, six months I added in a few simple responsibilities. I allowed myself to apply for government assistance instead of employment, for a time.

Now a year later, my grip is sure and firm. Better than it has been for years. I still have more to improve, but my life is now in my control. I've got it good finally, and I think I have it better than others.

I don't know, that's just my experience. There is no shame looking after yourself.

[Magnet]

My own journey into the grief involved a lot of "oh not this again" regrets for all the tears and pain resurfacing and in need of processing. I sometimes used to feel like I was going crazy, but when I stopped and told myself to go ahead and go crazy, I felt nothing at all (except I felt better that I really wasn't going crazy.)

For me, I don't think grief stops just because i grew tired of it and wanted it to end. I'm a complex and sensitive being. It's a life long process for me where the grief resurfaces, cannot be denied, and eventually ebbs until next time.

It's been tidal in it's ebb and flow and one friend gave me some sound advice I still follow. When it's time to examine it and take it all in, do it with the trees. When it's time to let it pour out, do it near water.

I don't think this is any kind of cure all, but as a motto has essentially helped me divide the grief into two broad categories. The first category is to remember to examine it, and using a park or the forest or the back yard apple tree allows me to focus a little better on examining it. I literally talk to the trees almost as a sounding board.

Lucky for me, the ocean is an hour away and when I feel too much sadness, I go there and cry and commiserate with the timeless waters. This is my special place to let the grief pour out and dissolve into the universe. The lapping of water on the shore is a gentleness that seems to frame my grief, not only to let it out, but to make me feel safe while doing so.

[periwinklesquid]

Thanks Candid, I really don't know what to do with myself. I've taken the break, I've tried to arrange for financial support in the meantime (I realised I posted in the wrong forum, it's childhood trauma that caused this, though I've had plenty of trauma as an adult).

I went from crying constantly to now being stuck in quiet emotional rage. I feel more like my teenage self than my older self or the child. I just feel blocked and I'm trying to be patient and listen and accept things but it's freaking nightmarish. Then when I go to sleep, I cry and rage for at least an hour before I can sleep.

Hazy, boy do I relate to the shame of not working - particularly because my work was my escape and proof they hadn't got to me, they hadn't robbed my life of love and colour. And now I'm seeing that's not true at all. And feeling the self-betrayal is a *. My inner child and me like each other quite a lot, she doesn't feel so betrayed or attacked by me. Teenage me thinks I deserve to boil in oil. With regards to saying that to my inner child, she's happy to join me on odd jobs when it's just me and her, but teenage me is so hurt and angry, I feel trapped in shame and pain and I'm too tired to stand up to those activities whilst both trying to care for her and accept her feelings as they are.

Contessa, it's a relief to hear someone else take a similar track. I don't have any family to help or support me, without assistance from the government I'll end up homeless but I'm at a point where I kind of wouldn't care if that happened. I'm exhausted and I'd rather exit this life than keep struggling aimlessly knowing it won't get better that way.

Magnet, I do have a park near me but unfortunately water isn't so readily available where I live. I think being in nature is damn important though, I've made a plan to visit at least one new park/museum/gardens per week to keep myself connecting and grounded. It also brings up memories but right now I'm kind of mining for them.

Thank you all for your responses  I'm trying my best, and I sense you guys are too. I wish someone could just read my fortune and tell me if what I'm doing is right and will come up rosy, but wouldn't we all!

[Candid]

Hazy, boy do I relate to the shame of not working - particularly because my work was my escape and proof they hadn't got to me, they hadn't robbed my life of love and colour. And now I'm seeing that's not true at all.

Yeah, me too. All of that.

I don't have any family to help or support me, without assistance from the government I'll end up homeless but I'm at a point where I kind of wouldn't care if that happened. I'm exhausted and I'd rather exit this life than keep struggling aimlessly knowing it won't get better that way.

I'm the same on a bad day, although I'm already functionally homeless, staying in MIL's house. Nothing from the government, either. Just for today I assume I'm going to rise again and this is just a dark time to be got through.

I wish someone could just read my fortune and tell me if what I'm doing is right and will come up rosy, but wouldn't we all!

Count me in for this! It would help a lot to know there's some good in the future.

Hang tough, periwinklesquid.  We're having a dark adventure together.

[woodsgnome]

Everyone's coping will vary a bit, some extreme/some not so intense, but the grief is ongoing, it seems. And is okay, and good to experience. The society-at-large seems to regard grief, in any form, like a drive-through experience. A lot of times I thought that way--that if I did this/that/the other I'd arrive at some solution or break-off point that would magically end the suffering.

Didn't happen. I did manage a good turn early on, but it's not everybody's cup of tea. First, I just moved far out of the area where my initial traumas occurred. Then, I found an area (2 actually) where I was able to eventually purchase some land build hand-hewn cabins--which basically is my own full-time retreat; not for visiting or renewal, but residing not as some statement or back-to-land fad--in essence it's closely tied to my personal needs.It's what I badly needed. and it helped. Some would raise eyebrows and call my whole lifestyle as avoidance. Perhaps, and I'm also done apologizing for the way I am.

While others may see this as quirky, I know it was my form of soothing the grief by living in peace...I sacrificed some good income gigs to do this. On the whole it was functional, but I discovered too that grief and the typical cptsd aftermaths follows no matter what one tries. Ef's/triggers are as intense living this way as any other. At times it's lonely, but so are many lives spent in more social settings. It was nice when I still had active vocational pursuits that I could travel to, but circumstances now have me retired from those, too. The retreat is permanent, as far as I can tell. And I'm working on some way to at least build some social contacts back in. Sounds cool, except my life-long people-fear holds me back.

Okay, just one example of living with grief--probably a little 'out there', even extreme. My basic point is that grief is ongoing, even if it seems like one is getting past it. It takes acceptance, adjustment, and then fortitude to deal with. Comparing oneself to others never cuts it, either--grief is grief. Stuff has followed me around, haunted me in that sense; whether one's retreat is semi-permanent, like mine; or involves periodic sabbaticals, I hope you can find a means to find peace with the grief in a way that works for you.