Awkward questions

[Hope66]

I have just returned from a visit to my partner's relatives, and generally it's ok, but today whilst he went to the toilet, his relative asked me a personal question about my FOO - which would not have happened in his presence, and I was immediately triggered into a state of panic - I managed to stay calm (on the outside), but inside I was so upset and shaken - I desperately didn't want to answer the question, but felt I had to.

I've come home now and I told my partner how I felt a bit violated by the question - like the opportunity was taken whilst he wasn't about to protect me - and how I wish it hadn't happened.  I'm being vague about the details, and to most people the question would have seemed innocuous, but I find that visiting relatives of my partner, who don't understand my own personal past, means I am forever 'on guard' against their prying into my personal stuff, and it takes such a lot of energy to be 'ready' for a possible transgression.

I wish it could be easier and I didn't have to feel as if I'm treading on egg-shells in such situations, but I haven't talked much about my personal stuff - and am still working on things myself, without having questions from 'in-laws' - difficult.

I just wanted to let off steam here - and at least communicate somewhere about it.

I am going to try to re-stabilise my mood again, as I think I was doing really well this week - and feeling happier in myself generally - but today's situation has triggered me and I feel a bit shaken up by it.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

I hate when that happens. If I'm not caught off-guard I do okay - but if a question comes out of left field (and they always do) I get panicked. Usually it comes off to others that I'm defensive.

[sanmagic7]

in spite of everything, i think you did really well, hope.  i can get pretty tongue-tied myself when stuff like that happens.  i'm sure that my discomfort can be felt all around the room.

can you put a plan in place for yourself if something like that happens again when you're with them?  some generic answer, something vague like 'i'm working on some stuff now, so i'm not in a place to talk about it yet', something like that?  i don't know if that will work for you, but i've done it a few times, and it helped.  i've also used the 'i'll have to think on that and get back to you' kind of answer. 

at any rate, i don't like it either, getting blindsided.  sorry you had to go through that.   sucks.  i don't blame you for being upset for a bit - it takes some time to get de-rattled!     

[Candid]

I had a similar situation recently, Hope. http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=5861.msg37170#msg37170

whilst he went to the toilet, his relative asked me a personal question about my FOO - which would not have happened in his presence

Abusers and their flying monkeys are like that, aren't they? Covert sneaking snakes, the lot of them.

I desperately didn't want to answer the question, but felt I had to.

Here's a reply for next time: "Why do you want to know?"

visiting relatives of my partner, who don't understand my own personal past, means I am forever 'on guard' against their prying into my personal stuff, and it takes such a lot of energy to be 'ready' for a possible transgression.

Yes. I have the same issue with my husband's family. I'm NC with my own FOO, have been for years, although I have a couple of cousins I see rarely. But we're living in his parents' house, where contact with his extended family is unavoidable. I'm a sitting duck here. Most of them are discreet, so they're as wary of me as I am of them. (They've no doubt been told I'm weird.) But his deaf grandmother is a trial. One time when we were visiting her she was asking the most personal questions and not hearing my answers, so I ended up yelling "I haven't got any friends" etc. for everyone in the old folks' villas to hear.  Not the first time I've considered turning my tribulations into a sitcom. And then of course she wanted to know why. I couldn't go mute with the sweet old gal who was, after all, "just making conversation", but H knows I have to be dragged there. And last time she visited here I bolted upstairs when the doorbell rang and didn't emerge till she'd gone.

I wish it could be easier and I didn't have to feel as if I'm treading on egg-shells in such situations, but I haven't talked much about my personal stuff - and am still working on things myself, without having questions from 'in-laws' - difficult.

Wouldn't it be good if we could turn off the CPTSD legacy and all that goes with it??? :sigh: The best solution I've come up with is Radical Acceptance, of myself just as I am, anti-social tendencies included. When I feel safe I'll think about putting myself out there a bit.

today's situation has triggered me and I feel a bit shaken up by it.

Yeah, I did too, and I got some resolution thanks to the validation and support of people here. I hope you'll find the same. 

[Hope66]

Hi Three Roses, sanmagic7 and Candid,

You have all been so helpful to me in your replies - I am so grateful to you all for taking the time to reply and for giving me strength - each one of your replies helped so much - it took me a while to calm down after the event yesterday, and I also felt angry too - but I stayed with my feelings and worked through them rather than pushing them aside. 

I realised that the question my 'in-law' had asked had reminded me of questions that people had asked me when I was a child - and I had been transformed once more into a smaller and far more vulnerable state of being - and you know, the first reply that had come to my mind had been to say 'Why do you want to know' - but somehow I'd thought that would be 'rude' to say that. 
Must go.
Someone's just coming in. ...

[sanmagic7]

i just remembered something - we never have to answer any question we don't want to answer, just like we never have to do something we don't want to do.  we don't have to offer excuses, either.  there are things that don't feel ok for us, and that's valid.  no rudeness about it.  rather, just keeping our belongings to ourselves, instead of being forced to share.  huh!  no wonder you felt like a little girl in that moment.

that sharing thing is definitely handed down from childhood - we were rarely if ever allowed to keep our own things for ourselves, have them used only by ourselves or we were - blast from the past! - selfish!  and, somehow being selfish was one of the worst sins we committed.   

i believe now that i'm entitled to share or not as i please.   i have the right to choose what works best for me.  if we don't take care of ourselves first, always, who will?  who, for that matter, is able to?  no one.   hugs all around.  i do like sharing hugs, but that's just me.

[Hope66]

Hi Sanmagic7,
I appreciate hugs, so many thanks.     I also think what you wrote about a person's 'right' not to have to share any information they don't want to share is ok too.  I was shocked by how the 'in-law' took me off guard - it was so 'out of the blue' - almost as if she couldn't wait or contain her question, and as soon as the opportunity arose - and my partner was on his way to the toilet - then she struck.  Wow, it was bizarre.  It took me some time to get over the shock - but I will be better prepared another time, and it's been so helpful to talk about this in the forum, and get people's reactions.

I so wish we'd all had the opportunity to have a forum like this years ago - it would have been so helpful.  I'm glad to have found it now though - better late than never.   

Hope