Still waiting

[Candid]

Just had a phone call from ****shire Trauma Service, in which I was told the waiting time for an assessment interview is eight or nine months. Then they decide whether they can help you... or not.

me: To be honest I don't think I'm going to live that long.
her: Let me give you some crisis numbers.
me: I've got all the crisis numbers. I don't want to go into hospital.
her: Sometimes we get cancellations. You might be lucky.

I got off the phone and started crying. H had come in from the other room when he heard me talking. He asked me if I wanted to go again to Findhorn, the intentional community where I had a very happy week in 2003. But things were different then. I was different then. I had a good job, a social life, pets, a nice place to live in. I liked who I was. I don't believe I can be that person again. I can't even remember how she had so much energy, because she took it for granted.

Why is it that CPTSD just keeps on getting worse? I'm dragging the weight of six decades of trauma, in which the head injury of 2015 appears to have been the final straw.

I pulled myself together with another cup of coffee and another cigarette, and reminded H I've been consulting therapists for more than half my life, with no appreciable improvement. So he went back to whatever he does.

I'm struggling to believe I must have one more run in me. I can't even care for myself; I've been unshowered and in the same clothes for three days. I'm just so tired.

[Three Roses]

It gets so tiring, doesn't it? At times I feel exhausted down to my marrow, it seems. I look back now at the things I accomplished when I was younger, and I wonder at the amount of energy I had. Am I really that same person?

Hang in there with me. I'll be beside you.

[Candid]

It's lovely to have you beside me, Three Roses. And I loved that America album, too. Specially I Need You.

We used to laugh
We used to cry
We used to bow our heads and
Wonder why.
But now you're gone
I guess I'll carry on
And make the best of
What you've left to me...

[Eyessoblue]

Hi candid, so sorry to hear this, I guess where you live in England depends on the service you get, I have I believe been very fortunate, I have today had my cbt appointment and then a referral to a specialised trauma therapist, they rung me an hour ago and I have my first appointment in three weeks time, I was shocked at how quick it was, I have had a lot of waiting for other appointments, but your wait does seem ridiculous, yes they might get a cancellation but they might not, so you have to struggle on in the mean time. Near where I live they have a counselling centre where it is contrbution based so doesn't cost too much money, is there anything like that near you that you could go to? Hate to think of you having to wait to be seen knowing myself how hard it is.

[Candid]

Eyessoblue, I'm genuinely happy you're being taken care of. I agree, my wait seems ridiculous... except when I think of a thousand people in similar bad shape, and we have to be seen in order. I mean, why can't I just set up a room and offer validation and comfort to some of those people, the way we do here on the forum? And again, what do I actually expect from therapy after decades of disappointment?

Near where I live they have a counselling centre where it is contrbution based so doesn't cost too much money, is there anything like that near you that you could go to?

I don't know. The only therapy I've had in this town was Talking Therapy, which was CBT-based (and free of charge). I now have a lot of actual life challenges as well as the CPTSD, and CBT (I learned a lot from it) doesn't work on this. 

It's lovely to have you and Three Roses either side of me. Thank you so much.    I'm feeling a bit pepped up after H took us off to a pub. If I need to drink every day, so be it and hang the expense.

[Eyessoblue]

Yes that would be good if we could just set up some kind of comforting room to help all those people suffering out there, sometimes I think maybe I shouldn't be having help when there's got to be people so much worse off then me, don't get me wrong, I have days when I'm thinking about not being here anymore etc and real intense flashbacks that drive my anxiety crazy, but I know there's people worse then me, I said this to my last counsellor and she told me to give myself a break and start to put myself first for once and that I do matter and need to realise it. Thinking of you anyway and hope they do get a cancellation, you never know!

[Candid]

I have days when I'm thinking about not being here anymore etc and real intense flashbacks that drive my anxiety crazy, but I know there's people worse then me,

I don't think it gets worse than that, Eyessoblue. Thinking about not being here any more is my go-to practically every day.

I said this to my last counsellor and she told me to give myself a break and start to put myself first for once and that I do matter and need to realise it.

She was right. 

[Eyessoblue]

Thanks candid that made me smile!

[Candid]

Finally got a letter informing me I have an appointment for assessment on August 29. It's the third or fourth interview I've had since I applied for trauma therapy, and I've run to the psych crisis team twice in that time as well as tried a number of GP-prescribed anti-Ds.

This latest round looks like I'm getting warmer. Fingers crossed, because I'm feeling like a wrung-out dishrag.

[Three Roses]

Crossing fingers, toes, everything! 

[fullofsoundandfury]

I'm enjoying reading all of this, and looking forward to reading the next phases of this journey as they play out, if you feel moved to write about them Candid.

**Possible Triggers**

I want to talk about how great it is that you are willing to engage in therapy. That's a big deal that shouldn't be overlooked!

I am learning about my CPTSD using Pete Walker's book (have you guys got it? It's EXCELLENT!) I am definitely a scapegoated freeze/fawn, and very dissociative. My preferred way to keep safe was to isolate myself from all people everywhere. I had to eventually learn how to be around others in my late 20s, a few years ago, so that I could gain employment. But I still can't do true intimacy or vulnerability, and that is OK, I understand why that is.

Human relationships are far, FAR too triggering for me to even consider therapy. I've been a few times for initial appointments and terminated each one, because the territory of vulnerability is far too frightening for me. My body will not withstand it. The act of sitting and talking with a human about my inner self throws me immediately into a dissociative freeze response and my body pumps with adrenaline and panic. I stay on edge for days after. This is because I was so badly shamed and punished as a young person, for having emotions and for existing in general. It's because of crazy smear campaigns and physical/verbal/emotional abuse, humiliation and shame if I spoke.
Also, I do not have faith that therapists actually understand CPTSD.

Maybe that will change as I heal, maybe it won't, I'm OK with either scenario at this point, and I am so lucky to live in this digital age where I have access to truly healing material that can be delivered in a safe way that is comfortable and productive for me: books, online forums, etc.

But my experience does make me really admire people who give other humans a chance, people who take a shot and are brave and strong and powerful enough to show up to a therapy intake session with the intent to keep going to sessions. Because if you have CPTSD, other humans are like the original battlefield. It would be like a soldier with PTSD having to revisit the site of his original trauma once a week in order to access healing.

I think your showing up, putting up with the long wait, educating the lass on the phone, and all else you're covering here, really shows a lot about the resilience of the human spirit. It speaks to me of life-force always imbued with a bit of hope, reaching for possibilities, trying again through the exhaustion. I am not saying all this to compare you favorably to me or put myself down, because this book I'm reading has taken a lot of my negative self judgment down a few notches to a more sane, reasonable understanding. I just want to acknowledge your beauty in all this  <----- hope hugs are OK.  This long wait and multiple interviews and general appearance of incompetency would arm my inner protectors with plenty of reasons to stop the process, retreat, avoid therapy, and blame outside institutions for it all while victimising myself further. Then my inner catastrophisers would go on a 6 month binge of ruminating about how awful mental health care is, reaching further and further into conspiracy theories for me to drive myself mental about and depress myself more with. You have all those crazy options and you're not doing it. Awesome.

[Candid]

Thank you, Three Roses and fullofsoundandfury. There's a long questionnaire I have to take with me, and the letter made it clear this is an intake interview, NOT therapy. Naturally they're not concerned whether this is a suitable therapist, but whether I'm a suitable client. I wonder what that looks like? I also wonder how many people go straight in the too-hard basket. Talk about performance anxiety!

I'm not worried. I have my FOC here.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi candid, wow you've waited ages. For my assessment I basically had to tell my story yet again for the hundredth time then wait 3 weeks for them to discuss me and tell me where I need to go. As I've said to you before I have been fortunate on the NHS and I'm now on my 8th week of EMDR which has been quite difficult yet helpful, this weeks session was the one where I felt I actually achieved something, my anxiety feels a lot better this week. My therapist who is really lovely has told me that EMDR isn't enough for me and I'll need to carry on seeing her afterwards for psychotherapy which is good as I don't feel I'm being thrown out once this process has finished. I guess unlike you I've been really lucky and am in a good place therapy wise. I wish you all the best and look forward to hear how your appointment goes.

[Candid]

The letter I received made it explicit that I won't be telling my story at this interview. However, the accompanying questionnaire is very long, including a list of traumas for me to tick 'happened to me', 'witnessed happening' or 'heard about it'. I was surprised at how many of the things happened to me. Because there's also the standard questionnaires about how many times in the past two weeks have you felt this, that and the other, I had a quick look and put it away -- but I don't recall 'adverse childhood experience' or 'ostracised by FOO' on the list.

I'm encouraged to know you're down for further therapy after the EMDR. I often think I must be the world expert at hiding bad feelings, looking okay, and carrying on. Without that I would have gone under financially long ago. It could be a long haul for any therapist who takes me on, and I want to make sure the current situation isn't the focus.

One thing I can't work on by myself is affect regulation. When things are going relatively well I can shoot up to the point where I need sleeping pills. That sets me up for a crash, after which I'll only drag on if I have appointments such as a job to go to. Otherwise I go into a dark space where I shut myself away. The Grand Old Duke of York comes to mind -- and BTW, bi-polar was ruled out long ago. The 'high' feels good only in comparison to my baseline. I've often thought this is how it's supposed to feel.

So... I go along at the end of the month with the filled-out questionnaires, and with a bit of luck I'll be at a functional stage in my cycle. I think my white hair must speak for itself, and I've had that for 25 years.

[sanmagic7]

candid, you can't perform badly.  they can have a narrow perspective or not be prepared or competent enough to deal with trauma victims.  no matter what happens, sweetie, you can't do it wrong - only they can.

i'm glad you're finally getting somewhere with this.  i know it's been an awfully long wait for you.  you've hung tough thru it all, even if it's been messy at times.  good for you.

will certainly be there with you, standing right beside you.  you've got this.  we'll all be with you.  big hug.