The family scapegoat regrets...

[Candid]

As far as I can tell, the number one regret for people posting here is that we didn't get our eyes open earlier and start standing up for ourselves. That isn't our fault; humans are hard-wired to believe parents know best and that safety lies in family support.

But I have lots of secondary regrets for the things I didn't say. I'll start with Christmas 1983, when Mother took me aside (of course) to tell me she wished I hadn't come, because "you always cause so much trouble".

My response: I was gobsmacked, said nothing, went through the motions knowing this was my last FOO Christmas. It was dismal.

What I wish I'd done: Got her to say it again, or repeated it myself, in front of my father, my sister and brother, and asked for their response. Did they all want me out of their lives?

Possible results: Mother had to stop being covert and expose herself.
The others agreed with her and I got out a whole lot faster than I actually did, with everyone being clear on why.
The others did not all agree and I found out who my allies were.

I'm self-medicating with alcohol as I write this, but I would welcome any action-replays by anyone who would find it helpful.

[Blueberry]

I think I used to have regrets about not having been quick enough off the mark to biff them on the nose with a response. Now I feel more forgiving towards myself and this helps me concentrate on myself and not think about them or what I could've said to them.

In the last couple of weeks I've been struggling with internal rage towards my FOO and so I really empathise with what you say you wish you had done. I hear you, really. I think if I had played through a scenario like that with FOO, I would have just ended up being more hurt than before. Probably everybody would've dumped on me all at once. And then who knows what would've happened? One person dumping on me plus an enabler jumping in a few years ago was enough for me to completely dissociate and have to go on a closed ward for a week. I don't want repeat that. It was a terrible time.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by "welcome action-replays by anyone who would find it helpful" but I sometimes don't understand the obvious. That's just me, don't take it personally. Hope maybe some part of my post was helpful for you.

(Post edited to remove a possibly triggering word)

[sanmagic7]

candid, i truly believe we do the best we can at the time, even if that means we do nothing.  we are survivors, and there are so many ways to survive, not all of them known or understood at the moment of impact.  you know more now, can see things more clearly, so you are able to imagine the scenario you wished you would have done.  in that moment, it just wasn't possible.

believe me, i can relate.  there are so many different situations, circumstances and scenarios i can think of where, if i'd known better, been different as a person, or understood what i was in the middle of, i'd certainly have done something different.  as it is, i survived every attack in my life, every attempt to drain me of my essence, and every ambush and double-teaming that took place - i am here today, doing things differently, and living long enough to understand and know what wasn't available to me back then.

you have done the same, and i give you all kinds of credit for that.   not everyone has survived.  forward!

[Candid]

I'm not quite sure what you mean by "welcome action-replays by anyone who would find it helpful" but I sometimes don't understand the obvious.

I thought it might be cathartic for me and others to write about overt abuse and change the ending to what we wish we'd said or done.

Another example: As a teenager I'd just caught up with a school friend. I told my mother: "R's still at [name of school]. She's such a little lady." Mother's response: "R would have been a lady whatever school she went to. And you would have been... what you are."

My response at the time was, once again, a stunned silence. I wish I'd said: "What's that, Mother?" -- forcing her to say it.

IOW, I wish I'd called her on horrible things she said to me. As it was, I realise I was defending my own belief that she 'loved' me. Sigh.

there are so many different situations, circumstances and scenarios i can think of where, if i'd known better, been different as a person, or understood what i was in the middle of, i'd certainly have done something different.

That's it, in a nutshell.

I'm thinking my main problem now is that all FOO have ostracised me. I'll never get to have my say to any of them. It leaves all kinds of unfinished business running round in my head.

So yeah... like many of us here, I regret I didn't wake up sooner. If I refused to see what was happening at the time, how can I expect other people to see it now? I know OOTS friends get it, but what about this trauma shrink I haven't met yet?

There's more than a whisper of Who Am I? in all this. I seem to be a collection of people-pleasing behaviours, interspersed with keeping my mouth shut in the face of overt hostility. That's something I want to work on.

[Blueberry]

Thanks for clarifying "action replays". I'd say I've done some of that type of work in imaginative form with inner children. I guess that's going at it from a different angle.
Otherwise I agree with sanmagic "we do the best we can at the time". And you did too!  So  to you.

[Wife#2]

Candid, I do this inside my mind all the time. My husband and I both will go over what we wish we'd said/done re: our childhood abusers.

I almost posted a couple of examples, but decided against it. I'm mostly healed from these. And, one of the things I learned by the 'almost posted' responses was that I acted in a way that was true to who I am. Open, loving, forgiving, kind. If I reacted any other way, I wouldn't have been true to myself, even if it would have been appropriate or fair.

So, I agree, there is catharsis in this exercise. Just not for me right now. Most of what I would post has been translated into boundaries that Mom accepts or she doesn't get to see me, hear from me. Rehashing them at this point only keeps me angry and unable to forgive.

Please understand, I encourage you to get that poison out of your system. It does and will help in the long run. I just can't add anything to the conversation today.

[sanmagic7]

candid, it may be cathartic for some people to do as you suggest.  unfortunately, i've gotten obsessive with those stories in my head, and part of what i continue to work on is not 'revisiting' these situations and people.  it's more important for me to stay away from thinking about them, about what happened, cuz i have so wanted justice, wanted to speak my truth to them, but it's never gonna happen.  for me, it's best that i let that be, let the powers of the universe deal with those people, and work on staying out of it now.

it is what it is, for me, and it was what it was.  i have to leave it there for my own health and well-being.  it sucks, tho!

[Healing Finally]

candid, it may be cathartic for some people to do as you suggest.  unfortunately, i've gotten obsessive with those stories in my head, and part of what i continue to work on is not 'revisiting' these situations and people.  it's more important for me to stay away from thinking about them, about what happened, cuz i have so wanted justice, wanted to speak my truth to them, but it's never gonna happen.  for me, it's best that i let that be, let the powers of the universe deal with those people, and work on staying out of it now.

it is what it is, for me, and it was what it was.  i have to leave it there for my own health and well-being.  it sucks, tho!

I am amazed how so many of you are posting the same issues similar to what is going on for me!  I'm doing my best now to stop defending myself to my family in my mind over and over again due to the injustice.  The "It's not fair" theme has run my life for too long, as it's just sucks out everything of who I really am.  Once I can let this theme go, I know I will be in a better place.  Some days I think I'm actually doing it, and then there it is, the default...

[Candid]

The "It's not fair" theme has run my life for too long, as it's just sucks out everything of who I really am.  Once I can let this theme go, I know I will be in a better place.  Some days I think I'm actually doing it, and then there it is, the default...

Oh yeah, gotta hate that default! But do you know "who I really am" without it? I envy that!

[Healing Finally]

The "It's not fair" theme has run my life for too long, as it's just sucks out everything of who I really am.  Once I can let this theme go, I know I will be in a better place.  Some days I think I'm actually doing it, and then there it is, the default...

Oh yeah, gotta hate that default! But do you know "who I really am" without it? I envy that!

What I am learning now Candid is who I really am is who I have been ALL THESE YEARS. Here's a really weird story and example of my personal awakening.  I've always loved health food stores.  I love the smell of the healthy food and all the supplements and vitamins when you first walk in, it's like I feel "at home." FOR YEARS I would look at the people in the store and think "I wish I were like these people", FOR YEARS!  And the crazy think is, I AM!  I WAS!  What the heck?    It's like I wasn't allowing myself to be, MYSELF.

So, you are YOU! 

[Candid]

Yes, the things we love and the people we choose to mix with are Who We Are. Thank you!

[Candid]

Mother,

I'm still stuck on that Christmas of 1983, when you said you wished I hadn't come. I was about three months out of the nuthouse you and Sister combined had driven me into. You had my phone number. All you had to do was call me and tell me to stay away. Or had Dad just left to collect the others when I showed up? You never told him you'd kicked me out; he continued to call me and plead with me not to "upset your mother", always his first concern. You could have spared me the cab fare at a time when I was still too ill to be earning, as well as the horrible feeling in my gut as we sat around the dinner table playing Happy Family. But then you never did spare me anything, did you? Whenever I felt rotten you called me sullen, and when I sang about the house you told me you were sick of hearing the same pop song over and over. I couldn't do anything right for you.

As I put family presents under the tree, you followed up with: "Oh, a present for [sister]! She hasn't got one for you. In fact she isn't coming today, because you're here. She's terrified of you."

I'm not getting into why she would be terrified of me, except to say she'd had a bout of general paranoia and knew full well what she'd done to me earlier in the year. When she told you she couldn't face me, you could have said: "That's all right, precious. I'll call Candid and make sure she doesn't come." But again, you wanted poor old Dad to go on believing you were the perfect mother, so that eventually you convinced him I was as "difficult" as you'd always said I was. You chose to have your preferred daughter stay away so you could make the scapegoat suffer again.

During the ensuing year I moved as far away from you geographically as I could. Half way there, in a small town, I got home from work one evening to find Sister waiting for me. Thanks to you we'd had no contact for more than a year, and she thought she could just turn up and stay at my place. Thing was, as you very well knew from my letters at the time, I didn't have a place. I was staying in a stranger's house where I had a mattress on the floor. It was you who gave [Sister] my address and didn't even let me know she was on her way. How you must have been rubbing your hands thinking of what mayhem would ensue! But it backfired, didn't it? I starting gaining strength as soon as I was away from FOO. I told her she couldn't stay and sent her packing back to you.

I should have known I wouldn't get away with it. Seven years later, when I'd returned from my travels and we had that Most Horrible Event, you told the mediators I'd always been hostile towards [Sister]. You went into great anguished detail about how broken-hearted poor [Sister] was when she got home.  I can only tell you she came in with all guns blazing and started with the accusations and recriminations she could only have got from... you.

I'm not ready to write about the Most Horrible Event that turned my hair white within weeks. It was the last time I saw you. The mediators went with the numbers, in that 'the family' representative grinned as each one of you said what you thought about me. 'My' representative -- how oppositional was that? -- barely opened her mouth. What you don't know is that I subsequently found out she'd been too horrified to speak and needed counselling herself after that day.

I know you've continued to badmouth me to everyone who'll listen, because extended family members have tried to talk to me about it. None of you told me when Dad died two years ago; I found his death notice on line. No one told me you too had gone into care, crippled with osteoporosis. [Cousin] mentioned it in an incidental way, assuming I already knew.

Well, I sincerely hope mine was the gestation that robbed you of your calcium supplies. And on this sunny Mother's Day here in the UK, I wish you a heavy fall out of bed in such a way as to break every bone in your body.

Candid

[Three Roses]

Hugs to you, candid, on this difficult day. We know the truth, don't we? They were not perfect or even functional in our lives, as they led others to believe.