What if I kinda like my dissociation?

[writetolife]

So y'all, my therapist has taught me a lot about what to do when I dissociate.  Ground, self-soothe, etc.  The thing is, lately, I've liked my dissociation.  Life has been so stressful and hard that I have not been trying to stop it; I've actually been welcoming it.  I know dissociation is an involuntary coping mechanism, so if it helps me feel better, it makes sense that I'd like it.  But I feel guilty for this because it's not supposed to be good for me to dissociate.  But at the same time, it helps me feel so much better than anything else does. 

Anyone else experience this?  Any suggestions?

[woodsgnome]

This came up with my T once. She, and I, know how easily I can slip into dissociating. One day I caught myself, and started apologizing all over, diving into the old "I shouldn't have" game or "I'm bad", etc. But as she pointed out, dissociation is entirely natural. Of course, she reminded, I do and will experience dissociation and, as she also reiterated, doing this isn't some dire fault or a sign of failure that I didn't do it right, whatever that means.

I don't feel it's so much a matter of "not supposed to" (although several authors tend to make it sound evil) as it is okay--this dissociation happened, or is happening, and does it have to be that way? No right or wrong; it's more a matter of understanding why I slip into it (freeze/all people scare me), noticing it when or shortly after it happens. Then comes the harder part--what, if anything, do I do about something that's even comforted me in certain situations? Or, as writetolife points out, "made me feel so much better than anything else."

So I guess the first thing might be to not fall into automatic self-blame mode. The harder part is developing the willpower/courage to stay with what one is learning about stepping beyond that point. It can be work, but it can also build on a relaxed sense about one's self-compassion and sensitivity; acknowledging them as strengths, not weaknesses.

The other part involves tons of patience, as old habits die hard. It's been a huge learning curve, but dissociating really has never resulted in harm for me or someone else either. Unease? For sure. Change won't happen overnight which points again to patience.

Meanwhile, there's already so much guilt in all of this, especially for something that truly wasn't our fault; so it's probably a good idea to even, dare I say, laugh at oneself now and then. For me, that's been important in lessening this pattern of "oh shucks, I did it again; what's wrong with me."

[Kizzie]

   I just wanted to echo what WG has posted and also add that I think everyone uses dissociation to a degree (e.g., zoning out watching TV after a long day) . Perhaps you are taking a mental break from the normal stresses of everyday life rather than trying to escape something anxiety/fear provoking? 

I use that as a gauge of when I need to try and stay present. If I'm tired or ill or overwrought, it's zone out time with a good book or TV show, a nap or whatever I need to refresh and recharge.  If it's something deeper I do try and stay present,  but frankly I don't always want to stay when it's too big to deal with. 

Even if I do choose to dissociate, it's a big step because it is a choice rather than something that in the past was automatic.  I am aware of what I am doing now and that in and of itself is far beyond where I used to be.     Also, now I will at least try and "name the pain" before I do dissociate.   I tend to find that the next time I can look at the trauma a little longer, and keep on exploring it in small doses until I can stay fully present with whatever it is.  One such difficult truth I remember facing was the fact that my parents were/are disordered and that there was no hope they would ever be who I needed and deserved them to be. I had to give up that hope I had clung to forever - just really, really hard to face but I can do it now without needing to dissociate. 

Anyway, whenever I feel guilty about dissociating I try and keep in mind that it is absolutely reasonable (and perhaps even necessary) to face things in small doses.  It sure beats blaming myself with all or nothing edicts from my ICritic as I am prone to doing. 

Hope this helps!   

[Fightsong]

Its a mechanism the subconscious develops for safety and survivial. So it's familiar and safe.  I don't think you can 'try' and stop it. Become more aware of it yes, and find out how it affects you. And  deal with that  as and when you can / need to. No guilt. No blame. no wrong.

[soulareclipse]

Wow. This topic is a month old, but I'm new here and it really resonates with me.

I, too, enjoy dissociating. Frick, I do it every day. But I can't help but wonder if it has more to do with our personality. It seems like a lot of introverts are more susceptible to abuse. I have wondered, though - what came first, the abuse or the introversion? Hmm...

Anyway, I know for a fact that I'm an empath/Highly Sensitive Person/INFJ (MBTI, anyone?), but personality is some combination of nature AND nurture (or lack thereof?). I spend a lot of time in my head, arguably too much time. And dissociation is such an effortless, relatively safe, peaceful place to be during abuse/trauma. It's a womb-like shelter. In fact, the closest that some of us ever had as children.

Totally makes sense to me to want to go there, but the struggle I have is possibly staying there too long or at times when it's inappropriate. Like, when I should be asserting my boundaries instead.

Great topic.

[woodsgnome]

Soulareclipse wondered, concerning dissociation tendencies, "what came first, the abuse or the introversion?"

I never thought of it that way, but it figures that nurturance (or lack of) can affect one's levels on the extrovert/introvert scale. I remember being highly curious about stuff when young, but also recall a definite drop-off in my daring to express wonder in a FOO and school environment which totally disparaged that trait and sought to obliterate any deviation from their constrictive and prescribed path.

As the abuse continued into my teen years, the dissociation seemed to increase in direct proportion to the ongoing scapegoating and stifling of what personality there was left. You're right, in that situation dissociation probably functioned as a safety valve from highly abusive situations; but soon one begins to make a habit of wandering off. 

I also find it incredible to realize just how much I really have dissociated, to the point of wondering if one of my vocations--acting--was actually a years-long form of dissociative reaction/coping strategy. Roles I played provided another layer of separation from my primary phobia--people. I didn't trust anyone, and having a role that separates one from the pain of who you were is a great formula for hiding in plain view. The unconscious instinct was always that it was dangerous to risk revealing one's true self. Probably not just true of actors, though that was how I did it.

But, as indicated in my earlier post, I'm very careful not to beat myself up for having turned in that direction. And, as Kizzie shared, it seems better as one gains more cognizance of when it's happening. Strange, in that sense maybe I was able to participate in life as both an extrovert (actor) and introvert (life off-stage)  . You never know what quirks pop out when one is on the run from fear, and life's bruises.

It was good to discover your insights on this, Soulareclipse.