Sad

[radical]

I ended therapy with my therapist this week.

I had hoped to be able to talk through my concerns, to retrieve some of the trust I lost, to feel  respected, trusted, believed-in, renewed faith, to believe I was cared-for and that she had my best interests at heart. I would have liked to find a way to repair the breach and stay and work together differently, or to walk away with mutual regard and best wishes.  I wasn't able to do that.  There was no way I could resolve anything unilaterally. 

I had a horrible EF about it last night, but the worst only lasted a few hours.  I feel hurt, loss, hugely undermined by her view of me, which I hadn't known before.  But I don't feel afraid.

[woodsgnome]

You did the best you could. You tried and stuck with what you sensed  was going on, hoping against hope, and for longer than many of us would have.

I guess that might even add to the pain's intensity, but I marvel at the fortitude you showed in wanting so much to repair what apparently wasn't going to happen. Even though it wasn't repairable, in the end you honoured your feelings, learned more about yourself, and have retained self-respect, compassion, and peace.

Take care; this sort of damage leaves deep scars, but won't defeat you. You're too strong for that; the healing already shows in your words here.

[Contessa]

Hey Radical,

What you have said tells me that you are moving forward. By that I mean it seems like there are proactive steps being taken to look after yourself as opposed to reacting to a negative situation in defeat.

You are such a strong person Rad, always have been in my mind, and this proves it once again. It's not a nice situation but you have taken control of it, and I feel privileged to be able to be with you for this moment.

Big for you, looking forward to the positivity to come xo

[sanmagic7]

i'm really sorry it had to end like this.  i know how much soul searching, time, energy, and effort you've put into this relationship, wanting it to be ok. 

i admire how you've stood up for yourself through all this, staying true to you.  that's so huge.  i also admire the courage and strength it took to end it. 

like other relationships, even therapeutic relationships sometimes have a time limit to them.   we're in them for as long as they're beneficial to both parties, but once the benefits stop, it's time to consider if it's where we want to be anymore.   you explored that concept from every angle, radical, and in the spirit of self-care, you made your decision.  well done, even tho very difficult.   big hug.

[jdcooper]

Radical, what a painful way to end what is supposed to be a therapeutic relationship.  I am sorry that you didn't get the outcome you desired.  It does sound like you know you have to grieve it but you recognize your strength to be able to do that.  I don't know all the particulars of  your experience but it makes me realize that in getting into therapeutic relationships, we have to maintain our own boundaries.  These therapists are humans subject to imperfections and we can't see them as all knowing.  They are not the Wizard of Oz. Or insert here your deity of choice. Their  interpretations of us have to be taken as just one version of reality.  That's hard to do especially since a lot of us are longing for what we never got as children.  They become idealized in our minds. Finally, we figure someone is telling us the truth- we are loveable. And if they suddenly start telling us things that aren't accurate- well does that also mean when they told us we are loveable that's no longer true as well.  Its all so complex that I see why some people are terribly afraid or turned off by therapy.  In my 52 years I have had what I think has been extremely damaging therapy to what has been extremely  healing to now what I believe to be good enough therapy.  I truly believe it runs the gamut and just as every consumer needs to be aware when purchasing or obtaining services we need to be aware and cautious.  Also when things start going sidewise we have to know when and if we are better off leaving.  It sounds like you reached the right decision for your continued growth.

[radical]

Thank you all for your support.  I really appreciate it.

Yesterday I went to my favourite 2nd-hand shop and bought some clothes I like. (I'd choose to buy most things second-hand even if I was a millionaire, btw). Then I bought some healthy foods I like.  It was a lovely day here.  I started preparing for what I hope will be, a more positive meeting with some other people in a couple of weeks time. 

Part of what I feel is a sense of unfurling - released from being crammed into an ill-fitting box.  I realise I was willing to be in a box.  I'd so completely lost confidence in myself, I wanted to find something I could be that would be acceptable, a way of being in the world in which I could find some safety, in my own skin and among people.  My identity had already been torn to shreds by a prolonged experience of adult trauma and the childhood trauma that preceded it.  My 'self' was a war-zone and I needed protection from attack from within and without. No-self, and the ideology around it, fitted the bill in some ways.  I felt I needed distance from a broken, tainted self, and making that space did give me some relief and peace, a new language and a different perspective.  I benefited from that, and I still do.

It seems to me, that psychotherapy frameworks and their metaphors are all approximations .  The problem was, that I couldn't find words to describe and unravel the problems of being de-selfed, within that framework, and within the relationship. There may be some, but I didn't know them.   I know a good deal of the inability lay in my own fears. From my point of view, it was a very 'codependent' conflict. I did feel pressure to 'prove' the validity of that particular belief system as the answer to not just my problems, but all problems.

My therapy relationship ended a long time ago. I didn't want to accept the loss.  The relationship meant a lot to me.  I still value what it gave me.  It's hard to not buy into the myth of closure.  In reality, it just about never happens when an impasse has become an ocean with two people standing on either side.  The way that relationship ended did leave scars, but more were sustained earlier when I found myself alone and in pain and shamed.  I was mustering every reserve because I was fighting to stay alive.  I was suicidal and had worked out all the details, but I didn't want to die.

The funny thing is, I really needed to fight for myself.  In doing so, it seems my therapist felt under attack.  That part, I believe, was entirely her *, and it was something that I should never have had projected onto me, especially not then.  It is dangerous to shame someone in that situation, from that position of power.  I could have accepted being silenced without the shaming, if I'd had an explanation of why. 

This is where I'm at with making sense of what happened from my point of view.  It's a huge simplification of part of a picture that is too complicated to put into words that do either of us, and the situation we were in justice.

[Contessa]

This is a * situation Rad, but, I am so proud of how you are handling it. The steps that you are taking to look after yourself... 

[radical]

Thanks Contessa,
It really is about looking after myself now.  I still feel some disbelief, and even though I feel calm I feel really shaken as well.  My former therapist thinks I'm out of touch with reality and unable to know what reality is.  That was pretty much her reply to every question, different ways of saying that, yet there were so many inconsistencies in her attempts to be specific about just how she was trying to help me, in lieu of letting me speak about any aspect of what mattered to me, in why she praised and endorsed my inauthentic fawning which was aroused every time I felt shamed.  God, what a mess it became.

I've read other posts here today and wanted to reply but felt unsure, written replies and then deleted them.  This has taken a toll and will continue to hurt.  It was a final, decisive  undermining, and I chose to hear it.  I could have just walked away sooner, but I wanted to believe that my trust wasn't misplaced, because that is what was most devastating to me.

People here sometimes say that they idealise their therapist and have to come to understand they are only human.  The saddest thing for me is that all I wanted was a fellow human to meet me, to come out from behind typing notes on the computer and say "I'm sorry I wasn't able to find a way to be with you, I did want to, I just wasn't able to, then"  I would have been able to say "I know you did."  But I couldn't say that.  I never got the chance.

[jdcooper]

Radical

I am so so sorry you are going through this.  You are handling it so well.   

[Candid]

Part of what I feel is a sense of unfurling - released from being crammed into an ill-fitting box.

No wonder! I know it hurts, but I see this as a necessary, albeit painful, step towards personal empowerment.

My therapy relationship ended a long time ago. I didn't want to accept the loss.  The relationship meant a lot to me.

Does it remind you of an earlier relationship in which you held on too long and tried too hard, hoping the caregiver would become what you needed, expected and wanted her to be? Because I'm now thinking: I lost my mother when she slapped me and shouted "You bad girl!" I didn't want to accept the loss.  The relationship meant a lot to me. That was in infancy, and I was well into my 30s before I gave up on her.

I really needed to fight for myself.  In doing so, it seems my therapist felt under attack.  That part, I believe, was entirely her *, and it was something that I should never have had projected onto me

Again, and I don't intend this as a hijack: The time came when I had to stand up to my mother, who certainly felt under attack and retaliated with narcissistic rage. It goes without saying that a good mother (or therapist) would have put relationship before her self-image.

My former therapist thinks I'm out of touch with reality and unable to know what reality is. 

She required you to see her version of reality, right? And went on to decide and direct what would be helpful to you? So much for client-centred therapy! And it isn't stretching my analogy too far to say my mother told other people I was mentally ill and had a vivid imagination.

she praised and endorsed my inauthentic fawning which was aroused every time I felt shamed. 

Oh radical  -- you abandoned yourself in what turned out to be a repetition of the relationship that gave you CPTSD in the first place.

I could have just walked away sooner, but I wanted to believe that my trust wasn't misplaced, because that is what was most devastating to me. [...] all I wanted was a fellow human to meet me, to come out from behind typing notes on the computer and say "I'm sorry I wasn't able to find a way to be with you, I did want to, I just wasn't able to, then"  I would have been able to say "I know you did."  But I couldn't say that.  I never got the chance.

This therapist never intended to be your friend and equal. She had nowhere near your self-awareness. Her fragile sense of self depended on her being superior to you, which means her personal boundaries were also weak.

I'm sure a lot of people who finally took the NC option wish we'd "walked away sooner", and beat ourselves up for our many memories of self-abandonment. We're a relational species; we have to keep trying to get close to others.

Hang on, let me find a gem I read today. I'm determined to believe in myself, even if I'm the only person on earth who does. Oh, look! It was you! 

I hope this post won't be seen as a hijack. It's really shifted something for me. Thank you!

[sanmagic7]

radical, i think all those times your t would tell you that you were out of reality were probably the times you were most in touch with it.  i'm glad you have some positives that you've been able to take with you, and i'm equally as glad you were able to get out.

we may sometimes stay at the party too long, but i think there's always something to be learned from that as well.  i think you did a really good job of finding yourself in the midst of the denial that was being pushed upon you.  very strong, very capable.  very radical.  big hug.