I don't want to hurt myself, but I want a break

[gcj07a]

I have engaged in minor SH in times of high stress (biting my cuticles, picking scabs, pulling hairs, etc), but I've never wanted to hurt myself seriously. But every so often in times of super high stress (from external circumstances) I fantasize about getting hurt bad enough that I have to be hospitalized and can get a  socially acceptable break from my own life. Currently in that spot now and not sure what to think. I know my T would say it is a sign I need to take a break and step back, but a) I have no idea how to do that and b) stepping back from the busy-ness of my life would mean I would have time to face my internal battles and that seems worse. Can anyone relate?

[Blueberry]

I do pull my hair out and sometimes do a bit of skin-picking. I have had images of me hurting myself very seriously, but fortunately I have never carried them out. In fact these are supposedly intrusive images, which I don't even want to carry out!

I can most certainly relate to wanting a magical way to get out of my life the way it is for a good while. tho in my case it's not by hurting myself physically. My body used to get ill all by itself to force me to slow down and take a break for 10-14 days. It no longer does because it doesn't need to. I take enough time to rest and regroup, but it has taken me years to get to this point.

Good luck with this!

[Armee]

Yeah. Hugs to you.

 

It IS a sign you need to take a break though. Even if it means facing the inner demons. Can you at all treat this as if you have a very bad case of the flu and literally cannot do anything but lay around and watch TV? Perhaps if you do a major binge watch you can keep from touching into difficult things you don't want to face by having the distraction but at least you get a rest. I'd say 2 weeks. Pretend you just had surgery or something. Please. I pushed myself too long and ended up out of commission for 2.5 years. 

[NarcKiddo]

It seems that you know you need to take a break. Taking a break does not actually place on you any obligation to face your internal battles if that is something you are not strong enough to do right now. Maybe you could find a way to take a rest, like Armee suggested, but first make a pledge to yourself that part of the rest will be to make a decision NOT to do any heavy work around facing your internal battles. If you give yourself permission not to, then if you end up doing so anyway it will more likely be because after a few days of rest you feel up to it and maybe want to start tackling some of the issues. But if you don't want to then you can simply leave it with no guilt, because you have already have permission.

 

[Blueberry]

Seconding Armee and NarcKiddo.
I was actually out of commission for I'm not sure how many years.

[gcj07a]

Thanks everyone! I had a great session with my T this past week and I'm taking a couple of days off of work next week. I'm also putting every non urgent thing in my life on the back burner and proactively doing things that bring me joy (playing with my kids, drawing, etc) for the next couple of weeks.

[Kizzie]

Good for you gcj07a, enjoy your break!   

[Blueberry]

Good going I'm glad your T was supportive in this too!