How do you NOT dissociate?

[joyful]

I feel like i am constantly dissociated and detached from my body and emotions. I can feel myself hurting so so much under the surface, but it's like i don't know how to access it or let it come out in healthy ways, so it finally breaks out in unhealthy ways. Sometimes I'll try to just feel whatever negative emotions are there, but I only can for a short time before i shove them down again. I do a lot of journalling to try and access them, but i numb myself from them as i write about it. Does that make any sense at all?

Does anyone have advice on how to stop this?

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, I know exactly what you're going through. I am currently seeing a cbt lady who is helping me through this at the moment. I've been taught to learn to sit with my emotions and feelings and 'self soothe' as she calls it. It's taken a few sessions but I think I'm pretty much getting the hang of it now. Whenever I was faced with a thought/feeling I didn't like I would take myself away from the situation and it would seem like I was having an out of body experience which has been my coping technique all my life so very difficult I felt to alter. But now when I get a thought/feeling I don't like I first of all have to ground myself and by that I mean I have to take note of where I am, I look around the room and look at what is on the wall, floor,door etc, then I notice colours, then sounds/smells, this keeps me in the 'present' moment. Once I have done that I then have to think about the things that were upsetting me again concentrating on the 'present' and learn to 'sit' with the feelings that arise rather then pushing them away, once I sit with the feelings and think about what is going on it's very natural to have a sudden panic attack, so you need to sit and feel what you are feeling all the time concentrating on your surroundings as to what you can see and hear, it takes a lot of practice but I can say that doing this every day for a couple of weeks it is getting easier and I am feeling that I am disassociating less and less, it's very uncomfortable sometimes thinking about it but in the long run it will help you emotionally. I have still not managed to shed any tears yet I can now feel the emotion inside me and now I feel I can cope with it, it's definitely getting easier, but it definitely takes practice.

[sanmagic7]

wow, eyessoblue, what strength and determination you're showing.  good for you!  i'm glad it's getting easier to stay with who you are and what you are feeling.

joyful, i certainly hope you can find a similar method to stay within yourself.  just reaching out for help and asking how to do it tells me that you're ready, at least to begin.  you go!  standing right beside you!

[joyful]

Thank you Eyessoblue! I want to try to work on that, find something that works for me, to keep me here.
And thank you sanmagic for your support!

[Blueberry]

Hi Joyful,
I've been taught grounding basically the way Eyessoblue explains except that I may use all my senses: so smell, sound, touch and even taste. In my case particularly touch e.g. pushing off against the wall with my hands or stamping my feet on the ground.

What also occurs to me about your post (numbing, shoving feelings down) though is that you may be dissociating because your system is 'overloaded'. You may be trying to do too much, feel too much, go too fast. Of course, we all want to heal fast and get all this stuff over with and be normal etc etc, but recovery from this beast takes time, unfortunately. If this doesn't apply to you, then ignore.

[joyful]

What also occurs to me about your post (numbing, shoving feelings down) though is that you may be dissociating because your system is 'overloaded'. You may be trying to do too much, feel too much, go too fast.

Whoa... That never even occurred to me before! It's true though, I can see it now. I guess I've always pushed myself too hard. Maybe pushing myself is like dissociating too?  I just want to *do* something, anything instead of just sit still and be patient with myself.
Does that make sense to anyone else or am I way off?

[Three Roses]

I agree that pushing yourself is a part of the 4F "flight" response that Pete Walker talks about - see what you think of this -

The 4Fs: A Trauma Typology in Complex PTSD
By Pete Walker
The Flight Type and the Obsessive-Compulsive Defense
Flight types appear as if their starter button is stuck in the "on" position. They are obsessively and compulsively driven by the unconscious belief that perfection will make them safe and loveable. As children, flight types respond to their family trauma somewhere along a hyperactive continuum that stretches between the extremes of the driven "A" student and the ADHD dropout running amok. They relentlessly flee the inner pain of their abandonment and lack of attachment with the symbolic flight of constant busyness.

When the obsessive/compulsive flight type is not doing, she is worrying and planning about doing. Flight types are prone to becoming addicted to their own adrenalization, and many recklessly and regularly pursue risky and dangerous activities to keep their adrenalin-high going. These types are also as susceptible to stimulating substance addictions, as they are to their favorite process addictions: workaholism and busyholism. Severely traumatized flight types may devolve into severe anxiety and panic disorders.
TX: Many flight types are so busy trying to stay one step ahead of their pain that introspecting out loud in the therapy hour is the only time they find to take themselves seriously. While psychoeducation is important and essential to all the types, flight types particularly benefit from it. Nowhere is this truer than in the work of learning to deconstruct their overidentification with the perfectionistic demands of their inner critic. Gently and repetitively confronting denial and minimization about the costs of perfectionism is essential, especially with workaholics who often admit their addiction to work but secretly hold onto it as a badge of pride and superiority. Deeper work with flight types - as with all types -gradually opens them to grieving their original abandonment and all its concomitant losses."

[Blueberry]

Thanks for the quote, Three Roses. I know I'm a flight type, but didn't know OCD flight. Now I do. My T certainly does a lot of psychoeducation with me esp. "Gently and repetitively confronting denial and minimization about the costs of perfectionism".

[joyful]

Thanks ThreeRoses! I never thought of myself as a flight type before...I thought my subtype was freeze! I can't believe I never realized this about myself!
Wow, thanks everyone for your input!
Now I find myself making all of these plans about how I'm going  to calm down, what I'm going to do, what I want to research... my goodness...

[Fightsong]

hey joyful,

'Im not sure you can just  NOT. But there are ways to recognize it and manage it, learn from it and move past it. As people have described here quite well.  Sitting with the feelings is hard til you have the will, space, safety and bravery to try. I think this comes on you whe you are ready, not until, likely you are ready since you are here at all.  And it sorta happens. Its not always that conscious. I think bit by bit the feelings thing gets less scary and  so more of it is allowed into conscious awareness.

what you said about just wanting to 'do' something reminds me  of  something.  I  journal a lot. Sometimes if I'm writing I  sometimes find I've just gotten up from the desk and I'm doing something else all of a sudden - like  I cant really cope with what I was feeling / writing about. Wierd eh?   

I realized I would often subconscious do something 'physical' to ground myself when I was drifting off -  go wash my hands under hot tap, washing up, hold a hot cup of coffee  , drink a hot drink.  I figured I was grounding myself. I started doing other things on a more conscious level - pushing off against the wall is a good one i like, and touching different textures I like too, naming them as I do, just whatever is near by.

[Blueberry]

Yes, someonesomewhere, THAT in your final paragraph is what I do too. I love pushing off walls.