Wordless misery

[Candid]

Yesterday H and I went to visit a relative of mine. If not for H she would be out of my life with the rest of FOO, but she and H have been friends for decades. I've always liked her very much but when the last of FOO turned their backs I found myself shutting down around her. Because I'm going through a particularly dark time now, I told H on the way there that I had some anxiety about it. I knew it was going to be an acting job.

Well, it went on too long is all I can say. She and I both drink and smoke, so we had a few trips outside while H, who abstains, remained in the house. On the last of these excursions, Relative started casually talking about her teenage children and said something along the lines of: "Mothers love their children unconditionally but we can't always get it right. We can only do our best."

Despite being somewhat squiffy I felt myself freezing up at that. The acting job was shattered. Who does she talk to? What's she been told about how difficult I am, what a trial I always was to my mother? And what is she likely to go back to Them with?

That's where the wordless misery comes in, because lovely as Relative is, I don't expect her to take a different point of view of My Long-suffering and Saintly Mother, who as far as I can judge hated me unconditionally and did her worst to screw me up.

We went back inside and in no time she and H were laughing and talking while I sat there as if I were bound and gagged. It was Relative who noticed me drooping. And then of course H had to have one more cup of coffee for the road, while I wanted to wail and rend the walls and run off screaming into the night.

I went straight to bed when we got home and soon fell asleep (all that booze, I suppose) but came staring awake in the wee hours with the full horror of my isolation right in my face. This Horrible Thing that I have to hide from most of the world, the grief that dare not speak its name: http://sanctuaryweb.com/Portals/0/Bloom%20Pubs/2000%20Bloom%20Email%20Grief%20that%20Dares%20Ravages%201.pdf

Over the years the burden has become too great, until it feels as though that's all there is of me. I've finally become what Mother always said I was: difficult, moody, furtive, even dishonest. How else can I Be when I have to hide everything about myself? It's bad enough with everyday folk, but with blood relatives on Mother's side of the family it's excruciating. I really don't want Relative going back to the FOO with an account of what a party-pooper I am, confirming what they have always believed about me.

H asked me this morning if I was okay now, whether I slept well. I said yes, I'm fine. What I meant was, I'm back to my normal level of distress, when it was acute overnight. I reminded him I'd said I had some anxiety about the hook-up. He asked me if I wanted him to see Relative without me from now on. I said no.

I just needed to get that off my chest this morning.

[sanmagic7]

candid, just because people say things about who or what you are doesn't make it so.  we have to do what we have to do to survive distressing situations, but that doesn't mean that's all there is to us.

you are NOT the neg. messages that were laid upon you.  from what i know of you through this forum, you are kind, caring, and observant, among other things.  that 'acting' job you take on is just that - a job.  it does not define you.  people will believe what they want because that's what they want to believe.  not because it's necessarily the truth.

do you really want to be in her presence again, knowing that you will have to put on a mask and play a part?  just a thought.  you don't have to.  the rest of your family already sees you in a certain way, and you can't change that, no matter how hard you try.  did you tell your husband about what she said, how it affected you?  are you playing a part with him too?  something to think about for yourself.

this family stuff is excruciatingly rough at times.  i hate seeing you in constant misery,  i hope you can find some way to lessen it for yourself.  you're worth that effort.  take care of you as best you can.   

[Blueberry]

  to you Candid.

I've read posts from you, other than this one, I mean, and you've never come across as  "difficult, moody, furtive, even dishonest". You may act (some of) that way when in contact with FOO members because that's the only way you can survive their presence but there is more to you than that! That's just a sliver of you (and me and all of us) the bit of us that comes out to survive in the presence of FOO. And even in the presence of FOO members, this description of your mother's from way back is probably untrue. Our abusers / enablers didn't spout Gospel Truth all the time, they had pretty skewed ideas sometimes / often. We can't stop them thinking and saying what they think and say, but we can retreat and save ourselves hearing anything.

"Mothers love their children unconditionally but we can't always get it right. We can only do our best." That old chestnut. I'd certainly try and reduce contact with a family member who comes up with that type of comment out of the blue. If doing their best means continual scapegoating and blaming and especially not owning up to and changing that behaviour, then it doesn't seem to me that "best" is enough.

I guess you're NC with most family members? Just not with this one. I'm going through some of this pain and some of these thoughts as I realise how little my family understands and ever will understand and how little they really care. You're ahead of me there because I'm not yet NC.  Writing out some of the reasons why we should protect ourselves against FOO members is helpful for me at the moment, even if I haven't managed to go NC yet. So the word "try" is very apt on my part and is in no way meant as a criticism of you. As I said, you're further than me anyway.

[Candid]

do you really want to be in her presence again, knowing that you will have to put on a mask and play a part?  just a thought.  you don't have to.  the rest of your family already sees you in a certain way, and you can't change that, no matter how hard you try.

Damn right! I wish I didn't care what gets back to Them, but the more time passes the more antisocial I get, the closer my personality becomes to what Mother described as "difficult" in the first place.  Relative is a sweet person, knows I've been 'down' for some time and probably thinks she can help.

did you tell your husband about what she said, how it affected you?

Not until yesterday afternoon. As soon as I quoted her he groaned, knowing how it would have triggered me. He thinks it was just something that popped out, a genuine remark about her own children; I still think she was fishing.

Incidentally, a while ago there was a plan for H to take me to her place, leave me there overnight so we could both drink and smoke to our hearts' content, and I would get the train home next day. They were both quite keen on this plan, I recall. I've said a firm no to that.

are you playing a part with him too?  something to think about for yourself.

I'm what you might call brutally honest with him. He knows all about my FOO and how they each behaved at different times, says "Your mother has a lot to answer for" and is my all-round number one fan.  Unfortunately he's also my Outer Critic's only target; my recitation of Saturday's events concluded icily: "And of course Someone had to have another cup of coffee..." He handles it well but it's something I mean to work on.

i hate seeing you in constant misery

Thank you, sweet San. I've noticed you always reply to my threads and I'm grateful for your presence here.

you've never come across as  "difficult, moody, furtive, even dishonest". You may act (some of) that way when in contact with FOO members because that's the only way you can survive their presence but there is more to you than that!

Thank you, too, Blueberry. I failed to mention "self-absorbed" because I'm sure I'm being that here as much as everywhere else.

We can't stop them [FOO] thinking and saying what they think and say, but we can retreat and save ourselves hearing anything.

Yes, and I think keeping schtum after Relative's remark (thoughtless, or fishing??) was the best way to nip it in the bud. We don't see her often because she no longer lives round here, although she said on Saturday that she'd like to move back.

I'd certainly try and reduce contact with a family member who comes up with that type of comment out of the blue.

I'm going to let this one pass. If she was talking about herself and her own children, it was harmless. I've realised I can be 'big' enough to give her the benefit of the doubt, and that feels good to me.

If doing their best means continual scapegoating and blaming and especially not owning up to and changing that behaviour, then it doesn't seem to me that "best" is enough.

I heartily agree. It was 'only' my Mother who did all that. There was gradual attrition of all other FOO as my acting out got me into ever-more trouble financially, relationally and emotionally.

I guess you're NC with most family members?

I knew I had to get away from Mother about 25 years ago, when she switched from covert to overt and I could no longer give her "the benefit of the doubt".  Fortunately for me there was a non-relative witness to That Horrible Event, who told me afterwards how shocked she'd been. I couldn't help wishing she'd objected at the time, but I'll always be grateful to her for seeking me out later. Despite everything, I still needed validation and permission to walk away.

I realise how little my family understands and ever will understand and how little they really care.

That only really fell into place for me when I found my father's death notice on line, because no one had told me he'd died. That was when I realised there were only two possibilities: Either they are truly evil, or they believe I am. I fight the latter all the time, so NC doesn't resolve anything unless and until we can stop them talking in our heads.

Writing out some of the reasons why we should protect ourselves against FOO members is helpful for me at the moment, even if I haven't managed to go NC yet.

It's not compulsory, Blueberry, and I'm living proof that it doesn't put an automatic stop to our suffering. I did what I had to do at the time. That Horrible Event turned my hair completely white within a few weeks, and the next therapist I consulted said it was a miracle I'd stayed sane. She and I went over the Horrible Event once a week for more than two years, at the end of which I presented her with a suicide plan and she terminated therapy.

It's possible you can maintain an adult relationship with FOO members and protect yourself at the same time. Karyl McBride did it. Her book is called Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

Writing this post has made me realise there truly is far more to me than is apparent at present. I will see any relative who requests my presence, and I'll say what I say when I say it. IOW, it's up to Them to approach me, and if they don't like what they get they can simply Stay Away.

Love and hugs to you both.

[Blueberry]

Just a quick reply for the moment, Candid.
Maybe you're being self-absorbed as much as everyone else on here as opposed to "everywhere else" in your life. I really believe that we need to be self-absorbed in some parts of our life in order to heal. Why not on a forum where we go to heal??? OK, we vent here too but that's part and parcel of our healing. And anyway you are not just self-absorbed here! You reply to other people's posts and not just in a self-absorbed way. The way you write shows you care about other people here, and you obviously do about people in your non-digital world, like your husband.

to you, Candid.

[Three Roses]

    

[Candid]

Thank you both. 

Three Roses, I  that quote from Rune Lazuli! 'Love' is a bit strong for me but "I accept myself exactly as I am" has become my mantra.

[Three Roses]

When I think of loving myself, I don't think of a feeling. Or not just a feeling, anyway. I think of self care, not just adequate but happy and thorough.  I think of regarding myself properly - I'm no better and no worse than any other person I encounter.

Loving myself means treating, speaking about, and thinking of myself as if I were my own friend.

[Blueberry]

Three Roses, I'm not quite that far yet either.

[Candid]

When I think of loving myself [...] I think of self care, not just adequate but happy and thorough.

This is where I choose the word acceptance, because I have self-destructive tendencies. Apart from letting hygiene go temporarily, I'm smoking more these days, which I can't afford, and I'm always ready for a drink, hence my avatar pic. So it's radical acceptance for me, approving everything I do and don't do.

Loving myself means treating, speaking about, and thinking of myself as if I were my own friend.

That I like. My bestie's a heavier smoker than I am, and I wouldn't dream of lecturing her.

[Blueberry]

Aha, acceptance. Yes, that is what I strive for too, Candid. I also have self-destructive tendencies, like 'letting hygiene go (temporarily)'. I eat more than I can afford. Banging myself over the head about it doesn't help, though I still tend that way. Acceptance that's the way for me. (Self-)Love is still too high a goal for me.

[Candid]

Banging myself over the head about it doesn't help,

Exactly. For me it just brings out defiance, no doubt something I needed to survive my childhood. So, in transactional analysis terms, I have a Parent saying "Really Candid, you can't afford to smoke cigarettes" and a Child saying "But I'm going to anyway, so neener neener".

I think acceptance and even love for this inner child is important and more likely to bring about a change in her behaviour.

[Candid]

We went to see that same relative yesterday, first time since the March 4 incident. I initially said I wouldn't go, and dragged my heels for much of yesterday. There have been several incidents recently of H and I being out with Other People, and him missing my distress signals, to the point where I've gone beyond tired into disinhibited, demanding to be taken home immediately. I've felt as though I embarrassed myself to the point where I wouldn't be able to face those people again. Ugh.

So yesterday H was saying he wouldn't go without me but would call Second Cousin and make an excuse, like his car wouldn't start or I was ill or whatever. I was all for him telling her the truth: "Candid doesn't want to come because of something you said last time." That led to, should he tell her I would never see her again? And if so, should he say he wouldn't be seeing much of her, either?

Why is everything with relatives so damned fraught? Well, in my case at least, it's about what might get back to FOO members on the family grapevine. "Candid's refused to see Second Cousin and is stopping H from seeing her as well. What a troublemaker!"

I don't know why I care about all these relatives who don't talk to me, and what they've chosen to believe about me.

Anyway... I finally agreed to go, and it was a positive experience for me. Second Cousin was talking about the internet, and her fears about what her young adult children might find there, then internet dangers generally... and I saw an 'in' to talk about my younger sister, who cyberstalked me for months a couple of years ago. Second Cousin was visibly shocked. Isn't that validation, when we see our emotions displayed on a therapist's or friend's face? I think it is. An accurate reflection of our feelings is a small miracle.

So I talked a bit about that: Younger Sister used her position in a government department to access my medical records, where she saw I'd been diagnosed with CPTSD. She also found out who my therapist was, and emailed T even though she (YS) hadn't spoken to me for years. My T did not reply. So then YS found me on an anonymous forum and emailed me direct, taking issue with something I'd written about my teenage years. How she found me is anyone's guess. The only person who knew I was posting on that forum was my T.

So next time I saw T I asked straight out if she'd had contact with YS, at which point T produced the email YS had written to her. She had consulted her colleagues and they had agreed it was best not to mention it to me unless I asked; she was relieved that I had.

First paragraph, very formal and stilted: I have reason to believe you're treating my sister Candid. I am very worried about her state of mind...
Middle paragraphs: All about YS and her problems.
Final paragraph: I believe it would not be good for Candid to know I've contacted you...

So yeah, Second Cousin was wide-eyed at this. At that point H joined in: while I was away from home for a job interview, YS called my home wanting to talk to H. Well, H already knew from me that YS has always had a habit of pursuing my partners, so as soon as she'd identified herself he interrupted her by saying: "You won't be getting into my pants!"

All three of us had a laugh at that, and it felt like part of my burden had been lifted. To a blood relative, when I thought there were none of them who would hear me!

I concluded: "My mother raised three very troubled daughters", and left it at that.

No more fears about visiting Second Cousin. In fact I look forward to spending more time with her.

[Three Roses]

Isn't that validation, when we see our emotions displayed on a therapist's or friend's face? I think it is. An accurate reflection of our feelings is a small miracle.

Yes!!! This must have felt SO good! Oh, Candid, I'm happy for you

[Candid]

Thanks, Three Roses. I now feel I can talk freely to this Second Cousin. Next move will be to ask why her parents don't want to see me. Her mother is my first cousin, and I have a much longer and deeper history with her.

I also want to know about H being barred from my aunt's funeral (Second Cousin's grandmother) while he and I were separated in 2011. Apparently Second Cousin told him: "You can't come, because Candid will make a scene."

The idea of relatives believing I make scenes could have come only from one source. Another reason to be livid at Mother.

It's hard to function with this amount of rage. It's even hard to breathe. But if I can finally have my say in the extended family, that will feel better to me.