Sharing with Others

[rosiehillinhan]

I was wondering if anyone is willing to share stories of explaining c-ptsd to others?

I've mostly been met with a mountain of support from close friends. It's trickier when my family is involved though. It came up at Christmas and I ended up telling my mother and younger sister. I felt like I then needed to share with my older sister so she wouldn't be confused if it came up.

Because most of the feelings of emotional abandonment and neglect stem directly from my mother, I will admit I spun the truth  little when explaining why I had it. Is it common to find yourself not wanting to share the true, deeper meanings with others, especially when they're closer to the situation? I mostly felt like my mother brushed it off, my younger sister decided she has it too, and my older sister, while supportive and asking what she could do to help, still tried the route of defending my mother's parenting because "parenting is hard." Yes, I have no doubt, but I don't see her abusing or neglecting my nephews...

It feels so easy when  talking to supportive friends, but my family is like beating my head against a wall.

[sanmagic7]

yes, beating your head against the family door - very aptly put.

i do think when dealing with the source of your c-ptsd, it's wise to be cautious.  being brushed off by your mother, and having your older sister defend what your mother did are signs, in my mind, that you've gone far enough with both of them in attempting to explain anything.  they don't want to hear it, won't be accountable, and absolutely won't 'get it'.

your younger sister seems open to what went on, agreeable to acknowledging the reality of what went on.  she may be a supportive sibling in your life, one with whom you might want to have further conversations about it.  i'd still go slowly, little by little, waiting to see where she eventually goes with the whole thing.  but the other two - i think you gave it a shot and hit a dead end.  you will make no more progress there.  sad, yes, but very few abusers will stand up and admit to what they've done, what kind of impact it may have had, and want to make amends and change so that it doesn't happen again.

that was pretty courageous of you to approach them at all.  good for you.  now you have a foo reality that you can deal with instead of guessing or making assumptions.  you see the reality in the way your mother treats your nephew.  that is real, and you can trust that.  best to you as you continue on your journey, rosie.

[Candid]

I agree with San that it was courageous of you to try explaining it to family, particularly the perpetrator!

Is it common to find yourself not wanting to share the true, deeper meanings with others, especially when they're closer to the situation?

Absolutely! I've just posted elsewhere about spending time with a relative, and how upsetting it was to have to hide myself from her. I'm very careful who I talk to about the origin of my CPTSD, and relatives are definitely Out.

I mostly felt like my mother brushed it off,

Of course she did! She knows exactly what went on.

my younger sister decided she has it too

Do you see signs of it in her, or is she just trying to minimize what was done to you? Like, "I've got it too but I can still do this, this and this, and I don't go on about it"?

my older sister, while supportive and asking what she could do to help, still tried the route of defending my mother's parenting because "parenting is hard."

I got a similar spiel from the aforementioned relative yesterday, and I wasn't even talking about CPTSD.

Yes, I have no doubt, but I don't see her abusing or neglecting my nephews...

I realise you're talking about your sister here, that she's a good-enough mother, but in my case I didn't see Holy Mother abusing my siblings, either. IOW, it wasn't like she didn't know better. She scapegoated me.

It feels so easy when  talking to supportive friends, but my family is like beating my head against a wall.

TBH I'm wary of discussing my pathology with anyone who's a parent, because they all come out with the same spiel: "Parenting is hard." Yes, I acknowledge that and I knew I didn't have either the skills or the patience to take it on, so I didn't have children. My answer to that -- not that I trot it out very often -- is: "Children know whether they're loved or not."

As to explaining CPTSD to others, just last week I came across a brilliant summing-up: PTSD (which most people know about) is a single incident. CPTSD is a whole life.

Because I was traumatised by my mother while still pre-verbal, and have attracted/been attracted to traumatizing events and people ever since, this fits perfectly for me.

[rosiehillinhan]

Thank you for your insights! I'm so sorry to hear about your own situations.

For me, I think it's really the fact that my Foo is so emotionally detached that all of us are unable to fully connect. I know I am loved, but I don't feel appreciated. Like, they just take my existence for granted, and never really ask how I am emotionally. (They do make sure I am well fed, clothed, etc) And of course, I can't tell them how I really feel, given past examples. So basically, I can keep the peace and exist with them and laugh and have a good time, but I can't have a bad day around them. And that's not really living.

I know each of them has their own issues to deal with. My mother had a terrible upbringing  (not that that's an excuse), I'm pretty sure my younger sister has undiagnosed Aspergers, and my older (step) sister's own birth mom died when she was young.

I'm still sad that we just can't seem to connect like "normals"

[Blueberry]

Hi Rosie,
I agree with comments and insights from sanmagic and Candid.

I would say that I have shared too much in the past with FOO in an attempt to try and make them understand me and to feel myself and the existence of all my problems validated, and at the same time I still felt that I was keeping way too much under my hat or I guess under the rug for my own safety and comfort. So that the last two times I've had face-to-face contact with more than one member of FOO I've had a complete meltdown after a few days. From one member of my FOO I have had significant support in the last few years but this support isn't really there when other members of FOO come into play. Like when supporting me would entail standing up to another family member.

Nobody else in my family claims to have it (though I do have my suspicions re: my mother and one brother), however my mother claims their pet has it. Thank you very much. The poor little pet. What about your own adult child?? Too close to home obviously. Nothing against pets, I have some myself who are very dear to me and important. In bad phases i care for them better than for myself, but just the thought that I've mentioned my diagnosis and it's obvious that life is pretty difficult for me, but no acknowledgement of that, but just the pet...    I'd rather my mother hadn't mentioned this connection at all. But she can't help it.
My only way to remain sane is to limit contact, which I'm doing, though probably not to the degree to which I will eventually have to do it.

You have been courageous with your attempts with your family. Keep reading round here, I'm sure that will help you. And all the best to you as you continue your healing journey.