Scared of being 'out of control'

[Hope66]

I noticed that today, there were 159 or so people in the forum, which is the most there have been ever, and I wondered why that would be - prior to today, I think there were 77 maximum in one day.  Early March, why would it be like that?  I'm not sure, it makes me feel a bit uneasy...  Which relates to my question in this post, of being scared of being 'out of control' - as this is a theme I've noticed throughout my life. 

It's not that I think I can actually control things - because I don't think I can.  But I am aware that I tend to stick to 'rules' or act in a way I think others will 'want me to behave' in - and that it's unsafe to go outside the expectations of others.

I can't 'let my hair down' for example at parties, and I avoid drinking too much alcohol, because I know that I can get very emotional and then I fear 'what might happen'. 

I remember when I was a child, I went to a friend's Birthday party, and I have recurring thoughts of the memory of a game they played where my friend and her Mum had set up a series of 'adventure' stations and each guest was asked to 'trust' the person and be blind-folded and then guided through the series of obstacles - and there were some surprises for them as the game went on.  I felt amazed that anyone would agree to participate and I remember feeling a sense of awe at how happily my friend and her Mum interacted - and I wish that I'd had that ability to feel 'free and carefree' with my own Mum.  But I couldn't, as I was always scared of doing the wrong thing when with her - and she wouldn't have liked a game like that.

As I write this, I realise I'm beginning to answer my own question - at least to some degree, it's probably to do with being repressed and held back from exploring anything for myself - being scared to set a foot wrong, in case of consequences. 

I also wonder if it is my sense of wanting to 'keep things together' that I am scared to approach any therapeutic kind of work - I want to try some stuff like automatic writing and making links between my feelings and thoughts - but I really fear the potential links I'm going to come up with.  But is it because I fear finding things out, or that I fear how I'll cope - I do dissociate from things, and that's a coping strategy.  But I need to get in touch with my feelings more, and uncover what's important and meaningful.

Anyway, I just wanted to share this and ask if anyone relates to this and what thoughts or conclusions you have come to - if any. 

Thanks for reading this.

Hope  :-)

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

my hub just went for a vacation, left today.  i have an appt. w/ a specialist next week in another city, which means a 2 1/2 hr. bus ride.  he has always gone with me for these appts., but this time he might not be here.

i encouraged him to go and not to worry (i live in mexico, but the doc speaks eng. and i've seen him before, have done this routine many times over the past years), but after my hub left this morning i had that uneasy feeling that you're speaking about.  any other time he's left, i've enjoyed the time alone.  i don't know why it's different this time.

i'm safe, my in-laws live next door so i have resources in case i need something, but i was just thinking about/feeling this uneasiness when i read your post.  is there something amiss in the universe?  it's not a full moon.  it's very strange, and i can't quite put my finger on it.

so, i have no answers for you, but just wanted to let you know you're not the only one feeling this right now.  we'll get through this together.  ok, deep breath, i feel better knowing someone's beside me.  big hug.

[Hope66]

Big hug to you too, Sanmagic, and thanks for your lovely reply.  I appreciated it.  There definitely felt like something 'in the air' when we both wrote about feeling anxious.  I guess it's the unknown perhaps - or maybe something entirely different, but whatever it is/was, like you said - we can get through this.

I'd like to wish you strength for your appointment with the specialist - as I know your husband may not be able to accompany you - due to his vacation.  Hopefully it will go well - it's good that you've been to see the man before, and that it's been fine previously.  Good luck though!

That same evening I wrote this initial post about feeling 'out of control' I watched an emotional film that really made me cry - there were themes where people were saying 'goodbye' and that always affects me deeply - like at a strong and core level - like it hurts kind of level.  It feels almost 'primal' - and the emotion that I felt when seeing them say goodbye on this occasion felt even deeper and hurt more - but I was interested that I appeared to feel instense grief alongside the hurt - which is something I'd not noticed before.  So I was pleased to be able to 'sit with' those feelings rather than dissociate from them - and I learned something - at least that is how it felt.

I think I'm beginning to 'notice' when I'm triggered - and I'm able to pay attention more to what's going on - than purely 'react' and attribute the incorrect source - e.g. I felt irritable today, and decided it wasn't about the issues that I was facing at all, but that something must have 'triggered' me - although I can't recall what that was... 

It feels like moving through treacle sometimes, but there are flashes of some insight - which feels like catching sight of a butterfly, marvelling at its beauty and feeling happy to have seen some inspiration or insight,  and then losing it again.

I feel a bit more grounded as the day progresses, so that is a good thing.

Wishing you a really good week, and good luck with your appointment. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, hope.  my uneasiness has diminished as well.  it must have just been that day or something.

i'm really happy for you (if that's not perverse, to be happy for someone who can feel awful!) that you were able too sit with those sorrowful, grief-ridden feelings, just let them be, feel them, and learn from them as well.  perhaps that feeling of grief that you allowed to show itself has been one of the reasons that you dissociated before during similar circumstances of saying good-bye. 

the way you described it, as a 'primal' feeling could be something you've been frightened of feeling in the past.  primal feelings, after all, speak to the very essence of our beings.  that's a pretty deep place.  it sounds to me like you've peeled another layer of the onion, as they say, and let the light shine on something that's been hidden for a long time.  congrats to you, my dear.

i think it will be interesting to see what happens next time you see a 'good-bye' scene.  will your feelings be the same?  intensified?  diminished?  will that grieving show itself again?  i've had a similar experience while watching shows where someone does a loving or kind gesture to another person.  the tears would begin streaming and i couldn't stop them.  and i felt so sad, wishing that i could feel that kind of love or kindness for myself.  i finally figured out that it was because i'd never felt it before and badly wanted to, and it was a loss of something due to the c-ptsd beast. 

i actively/symbolically held funerals for such things, in order to grieve them and put them to rest, but i never had the sensation of grieving while i was witnessing the event.  i find that really interesting.  if you care to share, i'd love to know if it happens again in the same way for you.

in the meantime, we'll go through this sometime weirdness and get to the other side by hook or crook.  best to you always, hope.  big hug.

[Hope66]

Hi Sanmagic7,
There is lots to contemplate here, and I will 'digest' your words and I really appreciate them, so thank you.  I will also think about what happens next time I see a 'goodbye' depicted on TV or any other occasion, and I'll see how I feel and what I think. 
Thank you - also for the hug -   
Hope