Co-morbid condition

[Candid]

CPTSD is my primary diagnosis, in that it pre-dated normal childhood illnesses and has had the greatest impact on my life. I also have an Acquired Brain Injury from when I fell off my bike going downhill and landed on my head, requiring reconstructive surgery for my face, in and out of hospital for about five months.

Today I went to my second meeting of an ABI support group. They're all good people with the same distressing and bewildering symptoms of brain injury. Some of the information given excluded me (eg. enlisting family support) and I made up my mind to talk to someone afterwards.

I told one of the group convenors (not psychologically trained) I had complex PTSD, and explained the difference between run-of-the-mill and C thusly:
PTSD is an incident, CPTSD is a whole life.
He was very understanding and asked how I felt about being in the group.

I said I was fine with the discussions and round-table contributing; it was when we took a break that I was in trouble. Not the first time this has happened to me: I look around the room and everyone's talking to someone else while I'm clutching my coffee cup and feeling like a prat. Eventually it got too much for me and I left the building with my cigarettes. Found I couldn't get back in through the door I'd exited, walked round to the main door, a crowd of people in the foyer, finding the door to the stairs, and back into the meeting room where of course they'd started up again.

I don't talk to people. I can take brief encounters but I feel myself edging away as soon as they start. This comes across as rudeness or not liking the person who's waylaid me. I simply don't know where to start in conversation, much less keep it going. Nor do I feel inclined to tell anyone: "My mother was horrible to me, I have CPTSD and I act weirdly sometimes." Who wants to know that?

Anyway, the break was a very short time in a two-hour meeting, and I enjoyed it overall. It feels good to be among people other than H and MIL. There are ten weekly meetings to go and I expect to be at all of them.

Suggestions are welcome, although right now (and in the long walk home) I'm telling myself: It's okay to be the way I am. Of course I'll talk if someone talks to me. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. It wouldn't matter if I never talked to another living soul for the rest of my life.

Reminds me of a work trip to Japan some years ago with a group of people in the same industry but from around the world. We constituted an odd number, and shared hotel rooms were allocated. People were whooping and laughing and high-fiving their new roomies and I sat there trying to look casual, knowing all the time who would have a room to herself. Lucky me, right?

[sanmagic7]

first meetings can always be difficult.  i'm glad it was an overall pos. experience and that you'll be going back.  i've never been one for initiating small talk, either, so i understand that discomfort.  i'm glad you went.  another good thing under your belt.  plus, like you said, a break from the others in your life.  well done!

[Blueberry]

I can relate to your problems with break-time. Congratulations for going to the group at all, knowing that there might be a problem like that.

[Calex Deeply]

I fee that. I also have C-ptsd with an acquired brain injury though. I envy your courage as I have never made it to the brain injury support group in my area.
. It seems I always feel so different from everyone else that I don't fit in (in my mind anyway). It also seems others don't meet my definition of safe. The brain injury really set me off on  a down road. I have in the past found if you keep at it, things get more comfortable. I hope you keep going. Dealing with the BI on your own is not easy. My heart is with you.

[Candid]

The brain injury really set me off on  a down road.

It still feels like the last straw that broke my spirit in a life full of trauma, chiefly because after the accident I was misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, locked up, and on enforced psych meds until I left the country to be free of them. The hospital I was kept in for several weeks had a policy of waking people every hour or so to make sure we hadn't killed ourselves. That set recovery back a lot, on top of what Pete Walker calls a "stigmatizing label".

The ABI group has become the highlight of my dull weeks and I even think I may have made a friend there. 

How long ago was your accident/stroke? It's 18 months for me now and I'm still not 'me'. From what I'm hearing, I may be stuck with this. I do urge you to get along to the support group, though. I too always feel like an outsider, but in a group setting you can watch people for a while and decide whether they're 'safe'.

Thanks for the good wishes, everyone.