Confused about my response to session? Has this happened to anyone else?

[writetolife]

Hey all,

I've been gone for a while, but plan to be back. 

I had something weird happen Friday in therapy, and I was wondering if you had any insight or just could commiserate. 

I had the worst break down I've ever had and was admitting that I didn't think I could keep going anymore.  And she seemed pretty nice and patient at the time.  but now, a couple days later, I feel like she was frustrated with me, and like she just wanted me to get over it and fix it.  Like I was a bother to her   I don't think she said anything like that, but now I'm all worried and want to head for the hills instead of returning this week.  I can't quite see what happened clearly.  I don't know if she was actually mean or if I'm re-interpreting based on my abusive experiences.   Anyone else ever experienced this?

Also, she told me that I needed to come to a place where I could make meaning out of my trauma, where I could find a reason for it.  And to be honest, that idea is just repulsive to me right now.  I know that's a thing that people have to do, but that feels like pushing it way too fast.  Sometimes I feel like I'm still learning to understand that my trauma happened and that it's valid for me to be hurt.  I'm not even out of the emotionally abusive environment yet.  I can barely function just now (which she didn't realize when she said it), and she's asking me to make sense out of it and find a reason for my trauma?    I'm not sure where the question is in that.  But can anyone relate?  Have you found that finding/making meaning has to come at the right time?

Can someone at least tell me that I'm not a spoiled brat who needs to suck it up?

[radical]

You're not.

Last night when I was reading your posts I started singing this song in my head:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vxUMJ3Wy53M&list=RDvxUMJ3Wy53M#t=29  (bit of a weird live version)

I didn't want to inflame how you were feeling. The chorus goes like this:

You are like a hurricane
There's calm in your eye.
And I'm gettin' blown away
To somewhere safer where the feeling stays.
I want to love you but I'm getting blown away.

You're in a whirlwind right now, but you're beautiful.

[Candid]

she seemed pretty nice and patient at the time.  but now, a couple days later, I feel like she was frustrated with me, and like she just wanted me to get over it and fix it.  Like I was a bother to her   I don't think she said anything like that, but now I'm all worried and want to head for the hills instead of returning this week.  I can't quite see what happened clearly.  I don't know if she was actually mean or if I'm re-interpreting based on my abusive experiences.   Anyone else ever experienced this?

Something comparable, with my first counsellor all of 35 years ago. She was a rape crisis worker who told me at the first session that I was going to face some "uncomfortable" feelings, and that I could call her any time.

I only called her once, about half-way through our six weeks together. I was overwhelmed, crying, suicidal.

Walked in the following week with my brave face on, apologised and said I didn't know what had happened.

She said: "You lost your mother last week. That's what happened."

Yes, she had made it crystal clear to me that my mother was worse than useless when I told her a man had raped me a few days earlier.

So, sometimes things happen in therapy and it takes a while for the meaning to kick in.

she told me that I needed to come to a place where I could make meaning out of my trauma, where I could find a reason for it.  And to be honest, that idea is just repulsive to me right now.

It would be to me too. Find a reason for it? That could only be a) a way to blame ourselves; or b) looking for what good things have come from it, where it led us. FFS.

Sometimes I feel like I'm still learning to understand that my trauma happened and that it's valid for me to be hurt.  I'm not even out of the emotionally abusive environment yet.  I can barely function just now (which she didn't realize when she said it) ...

Does she know you're still in a bad situation? It sounds to me that you need healthy ways of coping right now, not a way of wrapping it up in a pretty box with a ribbon on it.

Have you found that finding/making meaning has to come at the right time?

The right time for me would have been much earlier than it came, because I'd already had nearly three decades of blaming myself for my mother's behaviours towards me. And when it did come I went into meltdown, plus my mother went into revenge mode when I tried to talk to her about what I'd discovered in therapy. There probably isn't a right time for shocking but necessary revelations.

Can someone at least tell me that I'm not a spoiled brat who needs to suck it up?

I can definitely tell you that. Since your therapist is generally "nice and patient", you can tell her you're not ready to reframe your trauma yet. I believe we have to let therapists know when something feels wrong. If the result is bad, at least we have the option of leaving and finding someone who gets it. (Hah!)

It's also possible she'd had a rough night, a row with her husband, or a challenging client right before she saw you. I'm amazed at good therapists who can see half a dozen people in a day without getting their stories muddled or losing concentration. So talk about it with her... at least if you get the same feeling again. You can simply say: "Are you getting fed up with me?"

I doubt she'll say yes. This probably links to a time long ago when someone much more significant indicated they were fed up with you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, write to life,

i think sometimes when we melt down during a session, we can revert back to all those 'lessons' we learned about not making waves, not making others uncomfortable, not being emotional in public, ad nauseum.  if that happens, we might begin assuming that we did upset our therapist, she is frustrated with us and wants to be rid of us, and so on. 

i agree with candid that it might be something to bring up with your t, how you were feeling, what you were wondering about the dynamic between the two of you, etc.  i don't think you did anything wrong, certainly don't see you as a spoiled brat (that sounds like someone else's message from long ago), and i actually think it was brave of you to allow so much vulnerability on your part. 

perhaps, when she said that about coming to terms with your trauma, she wasn't speaking in any specific timeframe, but just as a generic 'that's what we eventually have to do'.  i know that often times when someone says something like that to me, i interpret it as having to be done 'right now' (that's a message from my dad that's stayed with me).   for you, it may have been bad timing to hear that right then.  not to worry about it - you don't have to do anything that doesn't fit for you right now.  you'll get to it. 

therapists are to be our guides and helpers, not god (i learned about this the hard way).  they guide us onto a path of recovery and healing, and help us stay on that path.  be easy with yourself, and patient.  you'll be ok, and i have faith that this will get worked out.  as someone else has done, maybe writing it down for your t to read will be easier than saying it to her.  whatever works best for you.  we're with you all the way. 

your recovery, your pace, your time and space.  it's so difficult to sort these things out when we're in the midst of them, and then these other thoughts creep in days later and make it worse.  been there, done that, and it ain't no picnic! 

[writetolife]

Thank you all for your thoughtful and kind responses.  I really needed that support.  Thank you, too, for the personal stories, encouragement, and validation. 

I will definitely talk to her about it tomorrow, though it is scary.

I realize now that part of the problem is that I was in the middle of a pretty intense EF, but neither one of us realized it.  A couple days afterwards I kinda just "snapped" out of it, like flipping a light switch.