Becoming more familiar with IC, and seeing parents in present day

[Maceo]

Hi,

I'm still in the process of understanding all of the facets that make up C-PTSD, so please bear with me as I'm not sure if I completely understand what is meant by "inner child," or of my history on a whole.

I have a post in what I now realize was the wrong thread -a question of C-PTSD being a "generation removed." In short, the abuse in my father's family is obvious to me, but mine, not so much. But even reading the first post in this thread helped clarify something: when I talked about the abuse being a "generation removed" I commented that my father never hit me. The fact of the matter is that I did often receive spankings for being "sneaky bad" (which I guess is way worse than being just old plain "obvious bad" ??) until I was about 6. For almost 2 years I felt very uncomfortable about the spankings, not so much because it hurt, but because it occurred to me that my father was touching my butt. After reading some of the information, which included spanking as damaging -not even necessarily as a message that I did something bad, or that it hurt physically- but to focus on the humiliation behind it, something really resonated.

That said, I'm starting to finally begin to understand things, and view everyday interactions differently than I have in the past. While I trust this is helpful on the whole, and will benefit me in the long run, I'm currently finding it more difficult to visit my parents (they're about 2 hours away, so I'll spend the night 1-2X/mo.) I think it's because not only do I start to feel like I back track on progress I've made connecting with my inner child, but also bc it's harder just to be with them. I'm seeing the microaggressions more clearly now. For example, when I first got to my folks' Friday (for my dad's bday) he "complimented" me (and I'm ashamed that I still find myself feeling proud and grateful for the "positive" feedback.) Joking around about shared genes my father pointed to his head and said "well and these are something else you get from me" right in front of my mother. I couldn't help but feel proud that my father, despite all our differences, and my fears that he views me as a failure, that he really thinks that I'm smart. However, I can now see it as him not only him viewing me as an extension of himself, but also cruel to my mother, who I think is so compassionate and intelligent in her own right. She either didn't note the insult, or chose to ignore it, I can't say for sure. But this is how our family interacts.

So I feel like, just being able to say "despite all our differences" is proof, to me anyway, that I've been making progress this past year and a half towards connecting with my "inner child." But whenever I return to my childhood home and spend time with my parents, I feel like I slide right back into old habits. While I'm able to still silently hold my viewpoints, it's hard. I find myself tempted to give in and just fall back into that "you're right dad" mentality, because with a few exceptions,  I'm far too afraid to voice my own opinions aloud. (Maybe afraid is the wrong word. I just know that last time I spoke up I got a 45 minute phone call the next week, during which I talked less than 10 min. He first told me what my opinion should be, and ended the call stating that we now agreed)

I guess what I'm asking is, does anyone have any ideas how to stay connected with that "core" self, especially when seeing those people, or returning to those places that are difficult/connected with childhood?

[Three Roses]

Whenever I know I'm putting myself in a triggering situation or in need of extra emotional support, I take something with me, something tangible to remind me of who I am and what I'm doing. I have some rocks I'm quite fond of, some different types of jasper, malachite, hematite and more. I will hold one in the palm of my clasped hand for a moment and feel its energy (haha this sounds really weird to be saying) before deciding which one to take. I will slip it in my pocket so I'll be able to feel its weight there, or just slip my hand in my pocket to touch it.

Other times I've worn a special piece of jewelry as a reminder. Knowing I have that there as my "secret weapon" makes me smile and stand up a little straighter.

[Fightsong]

It might not be helpful but I found distance helped, taking time out from them to grow stronger and be more certain of myself. In fact i haven't seen them in many weeks and so I don't exactly know what it will be like when I next do but I hope to be more certain of who I am by then. Is taking a break from them an option for you?

[Maceo]

Thanks Three Roses. I actually had a worry stone several years ago that I would fidget with, perhaps it's time I try shopping for a new one. Maybe even put some thought into what it is I pick up, make a sort of "big deal" out of it (if that makes sense?) A small safe care thing to treat myself to.

And I've actually considered seeing less of my folks as recently has last winter. However, I managed to complicate things when I made a comment to my mother about something f-ed up my father said. I mentioned to her that it was those interactions that make me hesitant to come over more. Since I opened my big mouth, my folks (esp my mom) are very conscientious of how often I come and visit. I am thinking though, that it may be something to bring up in therapy again, and re-consider.

Thank you both for your feedback, I feel like I've got my bases covered. While getting some distance is probably in my best interest, if/when I cannot, I'll at least have a small "secret weapon" on my person to help ground me