grappling with contradictions especially re bullying

[radical]

I don't know where to put this, having developed CPTSD as an adult, but also as someone who experienced childhood trauma.  So, this seems like the right spot.

I wanted to quickly comment about contradictions.  I've been writing a lot about my problem with fawning and, in doing so, I've talked specifically about that and how it has impacted my relationships.  But I've felt really uncomfortable about the fact that focusing on one issue can create a false impression.  There are ways that I'm a mass of seeming contradictions.  I think most people are to some extent.

What has bothered me in talking about fawning as a problem, is that there hasn't seemed to be a way of talking about it without oversimplifying my whole self, and I've felt like I've been in danger of doing myself an injustice in doing so, especially since when I first came here via OOTF it was because of bullying from a very nasty narcissist.  Also, In talking about the more recent problem, it might have sounded like I was (fawningly) taking excessive responsibility for that.  I just wanted to talk about my issue because what I need to identify and change in myself, is what is most important to me.  If I talked about the situation, and myself more broadly, it would show a more complicated and truer picture, but far too complicated for what I wanted to tease out and understand.

But I've ended up feeling the need to clarify that the bullying that led me here was not caused by me in any way.  I'm sure my lack of confidence and some degree of fawning was one factor in why I was honed-in on, and I put my hand up for taking for too much, for too long, but not without some kinds of far-too-polite protest, even early on.  This wasn't someone I ever liked, she wasn't a friend.  I wasn't just worried about her behaviour towards me, but her affect on the whole group and the project we were involved in.  I was aware of her manipulativeness and dishonesty, and because she underestimated me, and we were thrown together (in part because she tried to turn me into her personal slave and whipping-boy) I was already watching her.  I talked to her directly, one to one, about my concerns in relation to one particular matter, and at the same time told her that I was not going to tolerate her behaviour towards me, and listed the behaviours.  I naively thought the problem between us was dealt with.  It was then that things turned really nasty.  I experienced things that I would have only expected to see on some TV drama, with an obviously devious machiavellianand twisted villain.

Coming to understand her behaviour brought me out of the fog about other relationships, with people I actually cared for and this had huge repercussions.  It let me understand parts of myself too, problems of my own, that until then, I couldn't join up the dots on.  In the end, this has been what has been most valuable to me, being able to come here and find kindred friends, working on and supporting each other with similar problems.  Being able to understand, learn and change - which is painful and difficult, but so much lighter for having all of you and this haven.

I loathe victim-blaming.  I didn't want to do that to myself, and I don't want to ever imply that anyone is responsible for abuse from others.

[movementforthebetter]

Hugs? Hugs. 

I can only speak for myself, but I know I am a swirling mess of contradictions, too.

I have been bullied, and I have been the bully. I'm not proud of myself in either case.

Being here has also let me understand myself so much more, and to start discerning the things I can work to change vs. the things I just need to accept.

I always value the wisdom of your words. Thanks for sharing yourself here.

[sanmagic7]

ditto what mftb said.  understanding behaviors of myself and others has helped me immensely.    we were taught contradictions - i think it's no wonder we carry them ourselves.