Do you feel the urge to apologize?

[Phoebes]

I mean, the more I learn about this, and see my behaviors and actions more clearly, like reactivity, negative and victimish thinking, etc, I have been thinking, almost obsessing, on bringing it up to people who have probably witnessed it on many occasions. Sort of the feeling of needing to apologize. Is this just more co-dependency behavior, or is this something a normal person would feel and do?

Also, being honest with anyone about what I've been going through, so they would understand my distant and glum behavior of the past 2 years. Should I? Or is that just leaving the door opened to be invalidated?

[Three Roses]

Hmmm... 

I've not had good luck sharing any of my story with my friends and family. The few who said anything in response said stuff like "that's all in the past".

Even my husband, who sees how I struggle, believes this is something I can get over by just thinking about it differently, and forgiving the people who hurt me.

I'm not even sure my new therapist really gets it but I guess I'll find out. 

For me, the need to explain myself means I'm looking for safety,  acceptance, validation and understanding from others who may not be able to meet those needs. When I need to talk about it I come here and post. I know you all will understand.

[Z]

I've experienced the same thing. I think it is something the 'average' person would do, but not to the same extent, because they aren't dealing with the effects of trauma. I heard somewhere that you can find closure yourself without having to get it from the people involved in a situation - I want to learn more about that.

I would say maybe the best option is just to say that you've been going through some things and keep it vague and simple if you know the person won't react well. If you really do trust someone then definitely try but keep in mind, if they don't understand, it doesn't change what happened or what you're going through.

Three Roses, what you said is so true. I think people want to see a happy ending or sometimes just don't know what to say. My friends and family have mostly reacted the same way. Validation is so satisfying when you do get it. I feel like it's the best way to deal with what's happened. 

[sanmagic7]

phoebes, i think that if your behavior is changing as you evolve in recovery, and someone questions it, i would go along with what z said and keep it to something generic, like 'i've been having some personal problems, but i feel better now' and leave it at that.  true friends will understand and accept you as is.  if they haven't asked already 'why so glum?' then either they haven't noticed or it's not a big deal to them.

i also agree with 3 roses that when i've wanted to explain (especially when i've obsessed about it) it's often because i want understanding, sympathy, and/or validation.  i think if you did something specific that was wrong or hurtful with intent, that may be something to apologize for.  but if it's been general behavior, like being moody or under the weather, so to speak, would you expect apologies from your friends who went through a spell like that?

that turn-it-around perspective has helped me a lot through the years.  would i expect from someone else what i'm expecting from myself?  often, i've held myself to a higher standard, and that's really not fair to me or the others if the relationship is to be equal.  just my thoughts on this. 

[joyful]

Phoebes I definitely understand exactly what you're describing. I feel like I want so much for the whole world to understand why I am this way...definitely looking for validation. I feel like I apologize hundreds of times everyday.
I'm not sure exactly what I'm trying to say with this, but I definitely know what you're feeling.

[Phoebes]

I guess I genuinely feel sorry for being a source of stress, and am just now realizing that with my insecurity, social anxiety, inability to express myself, I feel bad that I've struggled and in a way pushed people away.

For instance, when my mom and I had a horrible interaction in which she ripped my love of playing an instrument apart, as much as I wanted that to be a catalyst to prove to myself she was wrong, it seemed to have the opposite effect. I kept playing music, but within my group, I became more withdrawn and less courageous, and I could immediately feel the "vibe" change with some of my friends. Not that they are being a bad friend, but MY vibe changed. I lost all confidence that I had mustered together to be in that group, and now all my confidence has faded. They know nothing of my struggles. All they see is I went cold.

Also, it seems the more people are open and loving with me, the more I am literally FROZEN to respond. And it pushes them away. I may be happier than I've ever been in that moment. "Seen" for a rare moment and feel so much love, but cannot express that. It comes across as flat and cold. I am ashamed of this, but now I think I understand where it's coming from.

It's too intense for most people, and normal folks going about their every day lives, being productive, having loving families and mates to support them, being light and positive, who wants to hear about all that heavy stuff? I wish so badly they understood me. I feel alone in *.

[sanmagic7]

well, we're ok to hear all that heavy stuff here, if it's any help.  i think most of us can relate to being in * at one point or another in our lives.  i know i can.  this forum has really helped me not only not feel alone there, but has also encouraged my recovery to the point where i don't feel i'm there anymore.  never thought that would happen!

i hope you are able to get something positive out of posting here, some sense of community, of knowing that you really are not alone.  we're all here with you, standing right beside you.  big hug.

[Phoebes]

Thank you san magic. I do feel like this forum has helped a lot. I go through phases. I feel really isolated on this one in "real life", but it's nice to know others somewhere in the world can relate. 

[bring em all in]

I apologize so much of the time. I've even found myself telling my wife, "I'm sorry it's raining," when I drove her to work the other day- as if the rain were my fault!!!!

[Atticus Finch]

I am a carer and my child apologizes constantly. Likewise they constantly ask if I or my wife are angry. I think it is their feeling stressed and micro-noticing our stress levels and feeling responsible. They may or may not have caused it, but perhaps the idea of maybe having caused it makes them feel bad. Is it hard for them to accept their impact on others as not their fault -just a side effect of their PTSD? Does any of this resonate? I would love to learn to soothe responses like what you describe.

[movementforthebetter]

 

I went through a phase where I had to tell everyone and make a lot of apologies. I also over-apologize anyway. I've just been feeling a lot of similar things to what you describe over the past few weeks. You are not alone here.

I was lucky and most people took my disclosures well, but not everyone did. And the ones that didn't - they hurt a lot. On the other hand, as I getbstronger I get more comfortable talking about it. I do feel that thenonly way things will ever change is if we start breaking down the stigmas.

But you donct have to do that now or ever, if it's not right for you. And there's no way to avoid making some mistakes or twlling aome of the wrong people unless you say nothing. I chalk up each mistake to a serious learning/growth opportunity.

Good luck on your journey.