Shame researcher Dr. Brene Brown (Daring Greatly)

[alovelycreature]

So I'm reading Dr. Brene Brown's book Daring Greatly. It's fantastic. She has been a huge insight into my CPTSD and I wanted to share one of her videos. She has tons of info online, however the book definitely goes into much more detail.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXSjc-pbXk4

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0

[Rain]

Thank you!!!   I will definitely watch, Lovely.

I'm realizing I've certainly not worked through my Shame.   yuck.  pooey!

[Sandals]

Yes! I love her, she has a wonderful sense of humour that makes these "forbidden" topics very human. I find she really gets through to me whereas I can read other stuff and absorb it intellectually, but not on the feelings side.

[Rain]

I'm watching her TED 2010 talk now.   She is delightful!    Yeah, that getting through emotionally is a gift few speaker's have.

[keepfighting]

Love her TED talks. Thanks for posting!

Put shame in a petry dish and pour empathy over it... Powerful image!

[smg]

I was struck by the distinction she made in one of her TED talks between shame and guilt; that shame is correlated with all sorts of bad behaviour and outcomes, but guilt is exactly the opposite. People who can feel and sit with guilt over their actions end up living more wholeheartedly. I imagine it's because they don't have to defensively shy away from the topic of their past behaviour, so they can analyze it and find alternatives.

This reminds of a motivational article my brother forwarded to me a couple years ago that I thought was frightening in its misguidedness. The thesis of the article was that good leaders know when and how to burn bridges to the past, including "letting go" of failures and setbacks caused by "our own stupidity." The author describes how he got himself arrested for "absentmindedly" attempting to board an airplane with a handgun in his bag! He calls the incident "embarrasing," uses distancing language and explains/excuses the incident by saying that he was given the gun as a gift and simply forgot about it. The author ends with the hope that his article will help readers to "[sever] ties with the negative elements of [their] past experiences." Yikes!

My understanding is that letting go of shame isn't really a matter of correct attitude or knowledge or effort. I think that you simply earn forgiveness and release from guilt by sitting with it until you can acknowledge how you contributed to causing harm, and start thinking about making amends and preventing recurrances. Guilt just slips away at that point. And then, there's very little risk of doing something really stupid (like forgetting that you're carrying a deadly weapon) simply because you can't bear to think about something you're ashamed of.

I'm just realizing that I've thought a lot about guilt and forgiveness in the context of how my FOO hasn't earned my forgiveness (in the sense of a second chance); but I haven't thought about feelings of guilt as maybe being a way out of my toxic shame. How might that work??? If it makes sense at all, I think the key would be correctly identifying what the guilt is for, sitting with it, and exploring whatever primary emotion is lurking under that -- gosh, that sounds so nice and neat and flowchart-y, and I'm sure that it isn't.

smg

[alovelycreature]

Haha! It can be flow charty if you notice emotional triggers. For example (this is not true), my partner gave me a nasty look before he left the house, which  made me feel worthless, which triggered shame, which triggered hours on the couch crying. I think there are definitely shame triggers. I know one of mine is when I feel I've been a bad friend or partner.

I think it's interesting you feel some connection with shame and forgiveness. I found them to be a bit different, but that may be because our experiences are different.

I struggle with shame. However, I don't struggle with forgiving my FOO. I know that my FOO has a lot of mental illness, abuse, substance abuse, etc. I feel my FOO is so sick that they can't help themselves, so how could they ever help me or raise me proprely? I think my forgiveness came from a sense of empathy. I honestly feel bad that they have not been fortunate enough to understand how their behaviors and actions effect themselves and the world around them. They have no self-awareness. Maybe that is a strange gift I got from my FOO! I have always notice chain reactions or ripple effects to behaviors/actions of others, so it gave me an understanding of how I effect others. However, I do feel shame about how I effect others at times. This could also do with parentification or feelings of worthlessness.

The complicated world of CPTSD!