Help - I am lashing out at SO . how to repair

[Mightbeadream]

This may be a long one...

BACK STORY
I have been anxious/depressed for as long as i can recall now. I would not say I have CPTSD from my childhood - though I did grow up in a miltary family so I do have many issues from my father not being around/being less than stellar when he was. (I do think he tried, but as a child I was very scared of him!)
This led to me being codependent and looking for support from others in adulthood.
As a result I ended up in a year long relationship that was abusive. emotionally, very physically, at one point I attempted to kill myself. it seemed the only way out. I did not have the money to deal with things, after the most recent fight at the time when he had broken my nose I had no way to the hospital so I never went (my nose is still crooked and a reminder every time I look in the mirror, now 8 years later). I drank a bottle of liquor, and downed a bottle of sleeping pills. HE came home early from work that day, I ended up in the hospital in time. (I only later found out that he had WAITED UNTIL I PASSED OUT/TUNED BLUE. he did not call the ambulance immediately after seeing what had happened.). but before knowing this I saw him as a bit of a saviour, and after my weeklong spell in the psych ward we set to patching things up again. Of course it was a neverending cycle. After months I found a new job that pair more money - I lied about how much I was making and I started a savings account. One day we had a fight where the police showed up to the house (I wish I could say that was the first time). but after they took him away, I looked at how much I had saved and I booked a rental car and left the province.
I bounced around cities for a while. Wanting to go back to where I had lived before moving away with this person, but also not wanting people to see the new broken me. Surprisingly  few people ask questions though

PRESENT DAY
I live across the country, I actually moved to a town where I knew no one for the first time in my life. I have a decent job. After a string of failed attempts at romance I finally found someone who loves (well, I guess now I should say Loved) me. He knows about my past, and tries to be patient. But I have episodes, I don't know what else to call them. Small things can trigger me - comments about my hair or words I miscontrue to be hurtful. Even after he clarifies what he said and assures me I'm beautiful, I go on a tailspin of recalling my past - where my ex bullied me to the point of an eating disorder, where when I made a mistake I had plates thrown at me, where he would openly fantasize about other girls and friends, ... And i project all of this into the now. It's like a curtain falls and I am back in those moments, and the man standing in front of me becomes my past, and I end up yelling hurtful things. the other night we fought and I dented his car. But when these things happen I essentially black out, details afterwards become sparse. I'm not sure WHAT happened or was said. I know how it began, and I know they reacted in a way that was not out of line (he has never ever raised his voice, said purposefully hurtful things, has ever made me feel threatened in any way).

Obviously he no longer wants to deal with this. And I can't ask him too. But it is in this moment that I am losing the only person I have opened up to completely about this. and who loved me regardless (until I started to harm him/his belongings).
I know I shouldn't ask someone to stand by me while I try to get help and deal with my disorder. previously I had been to therapists who attempted to help me with depression, or anxiety - usually prescribing drugs that do no good for me. I self diagnosed PTSD but it's never quite seemed to fit me. I only recently learned about CPTSD, and I feel like I finally have a way of describing what UI am going through and a foundation to start on repairing the real issues and not the surface reactions.

But  now I fear that is just my co dependant tendencies trying to hold on to someone. and I'm questioning if I do love them or if I'm just seeking validation and they happened to fill that void. And if I am trying to hold on to a relationship only out of fear.


does anyone else have a significant other who has stayed with them through this? who is understanding? how have they been able to help? how have you been able to help them? Have you been able to control episodes of lashing out, and how?


thanks for reading. It feels really good to finally open up this, all in one go and not in bits and pieces as I try to feel more trusting of people

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Might! I'm glad you're here.

Slowly, since 2014 when I was diagnosed with ptsd, I've been putting my emotions back together. Then when I found this site and learned that I probably have complex ptsd, more pieces of the puzzle fell into place.

We each have triggers that send us back into a place where we feel our safety is threatened. This is called an emotional flashback, or EF. Our brains (specifically the amygdala) are locked in the past, forcing us to relive traumas. The key, for me at least,  is first to recognize the EF as it's happening. Then, to let my mind rise above my emotions and calmly observe what is happening inside me - tense muscles, clenched jaw, fear.

Of course it's all much more involved than that. But you are here now and can begin your own unique journey into healing.

It couldn't hurt to ask him to stay just a bit longer. Share with him what you're learning and be open about your struggles. Chances are he has a broken past, too, and maybe he will join you on this journey.

My warmest wishes for your peace and healing! Thanks for joining.

[sanmagic7]

oh my heart, yes!  my present husband has stayed with me through 15 years of misdiagnoses, irrational thinking, and battling to make myself heard and understood by him.  but it wasn't until i learned about c-ptsd and me, just in the past year, that things started to be able to roll forward more consistently and with less conflict.

he's had his own issues, of course, from watching the way his dad treated his mom, and his own family dynamic, and our communication had been suffering.  when i found about about c-ptsd and that it was what i was truly suffering from, pieces began falling into place for both of us.  there is so much information here about what healthy communication looks like, and i was able to print it out for him to read.  that's when he finally began understanding. 

i also did a lot of research online, kept giving him information as i was learning about this horror that i was going through (it's the only way i can explain it right now).  this forum helped me keep my sanity while providing more info that i could pass on to him so that he could understand better what was happening to me.  we also got into some couples counseling, as well as individual, for us both to slog through the muck of the dynamic of being and living with someone with c-ptsd.

it was messy at times, i've been messy at times, so much so that he just couldn't understand and/or give me what i needed, but we are able to come together and talk about what happened, and he now has a better grasp of understanding what i'm telling him.  things get resolved much more quickly now.

it's been a process, for sure, but definitely worthwhile.  i don't think you're out of line asking your SO to stick around now that you know what you're dealing with.  they may want to take a break for awhile, see if you're actually making changes.  there are different ways of going about this.  sometimes a break is helpful for all involved - it gives you space to begin to know what you really want and why, and it gives them a breather from the drama.  couples counseling might not be out of the question for the two of you, either, if the two of you are willing.  it also allows room to see what the relationship means to either and both of you.

in the end, if this relationship is meant to be, it will.  my best to you in all this.  relationships are difficult at best.  but, you deserve the best one you can find.  so does your SO.  hopefully, you can find it together. 

[Mightbeadream]

I'm very happy to have stumbled across this forum - it's heartbreaking to know others are experiencing things like this, but it has also helped SO MUCH to see that others are dealing with these issues, and coming out on top sometimes

we had a long talk - about all the things that trigger me. why they do, where my head goes when these moments happen. and talked about how we could work with them.
Reading another thread on here about false red flags helped. I brought that up - my fear of committing myself to a person and trying to build a life when I know what the outcome CAN be (not WILL be mind you..) has led to me constantly seeking signals that it's a possibility. and then when I see these signals (or what I misconstrue to be signals, but are usually just innocent comments) I start imagining what is ahead - but with my broken mind I then slip into believing it and then acting as if these things (that have not actually happened in the present! but are projections of my past onto my future) are occurring now. Emotional flashbacks, thank you for the shorter description haha. actually having a name for what is happening will help me to shorten my realization time and hopefully be more on top of controlling it.

From many perspectives our relationship may look like a relatively "new" one. we've been dating about 5 months (and in total have known each other for just over a year). but we are both 30 years old, and went into this trying to be as honest as possible, we both see potential, but I have a ton of work to do.

we've agreed to work together - for now - but on the understanding that if I have another episode like the most recent one then we can't continue. I put both of us at risk.


thank you sanmagic7 and Three Roses for responding. it's nice to know you are heard after shouting out into the infinite void (the internet haha)

[Three Roses]

  

[sanmagic7]

big hug to you and best to the both of you.  much credit to your other for listening and being willing to give it one more shot.  much credit to you for your willingness to work on yourself and your relationship.  one foot in front of the other, and lots of communication.  you are two courageous souls.

[Meowface]

Hi I know in late to respond to this but have only found this forum today. I can so relate to how frustrating it feels to have these episodes. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now and have been having these episodes, exactly as you describe them since about 4 months in. It's awful because he has been really traumatised by things I've done that almost feel normal to me eg. An overdose, throwing and breaking things, driving recklelessy. To someone who hasn't experience these things before they are terrifying and I have seen how these episodes have effected him in a very negative way. He is super supportive and is doing his absolute best, as am I but I think we both know it's not sustainable in the long term. We have started couples therapy in the last 6 'months and so far has been the most Tremendous help. Learning to communicate better and mostly just giving him a safe space to voice his feelings and concerns. I find myself extremely triggered as well and one of the main issues for us has been him developing a fear that if he speaks his mind and triggers
Me then I'll have one of those crazy episodes and lash out which he obviously wants to avoid at all costs. The means that he has shut down quite a bit with me and counselling has really helped with this and made him feel heard for the first time in a while. Also, if he isn't well aware of all that CPTSD entails then I suggest giving him a lot of info. When my partner stared understanding what was actually going on for me instead of feeling confused
All the time, it was really helpful for him.

I don't at all think it's unfair to want him to stick around. You're struggling now, but you're working on it and obviously Care a lot about him. If he can handle it then by all means encourage him to. If there's one common theme I've seen in the people I know with CPTSD, is this ability to love and care about others very deeply and passionately when not struggling too much. While time may be hard now, it may be more worthwhile than anything if he sticks through it.