childhood trauma and extroverts?

[LaurelLeaves]

I am an introvert.  And I guess I always assumed that childhood trauma would turn you into a introvert.  But the world is not black and white, and my assumption is probably wrong.

So I want all the extroverts out there to tell me that I'm wrong. 

I just wonder what it would be like to be an extrovert.... wanting to be around people all the time... when you can't even trust people because you have C-PTSD.

[sanmagic7]

hey, laurelleaves, i've always been a people person.  then again, i've always trusted people because my emotional radar was broken and i didn't even think of not trusting people - couldn't imagine why someone would want to hurt me, even tho it's happened most of my life.  i just wasn't able to connect the dots.

i now stay away from people as much as possible - i was worn out by peoples' expectations of me and drained by always trying to live up to them.  i just don't want to interact with people as much, except for the ones i've surrounded myself with.  but, i can still engage with strangers, joke around, have fun at times with them - i still like most people.  i'm just not out and about with them as much as when i was younger.  so, i'd still classify myself as an extrovert - i'd rather smile at and say hi to someone i pass on the street than not.  i just think those little things make the world a little brighter, and i'm all for a little brighter world.

[Dee]

I think I am an extrovert.  I definitely have social intelligence, but I isolate.  However, I think isolation is a symptom of PTSD and not the person I am.  I often talk to people if I am waiting.  I do this because it helps with anxiety from waiting.  My sister says she never understands how I can do that.  I also rarely will just talk to a male, I am friendlier with women.

[LaurelLeaves]

i've always trusted people because my emotional radar was broken and i didn't even think of not trusting people - couldn't imagine why someone would want to hurt me, even tho it's happened most of my life.  i just wasn't able to connect the dots.

That makes sense to me.  Kind of reminds me of how my honesty radar was broken in the first half of my life.  I didn't lie, so I didn't understand that what people were saying could be a lie.

I definitely have social intelligence, but I isolate.  However, I think isolation is a symptom of PTSD and not the person I am.

Yes, I isolate too.  But I've isolated since kindergarten, so I never learned social intelligence... I always thought that's something you have to learn.   I don't think I was born an introvert; I think it turned me in to an introvert.  Maybe it's degree to which I isolated?

[radical]

Hi Laurelleaves,
I think I became much more introverted than I would otherwise have been, that abuse exaggerated what would have been a much more medium tendency to being introverted
I wonder if it has the opposite effect - makes people more extroverted tha they might have been?

I'm thinking of a couple of people I know who seem to have developed a kind of 'hail fellow well met' extreme kind of friendliness and openness to anyone and everyone, possibly as a result of abuse through years in care, but with it a need to keep all relationships on the same level and at a distance. 

[SM]

I think I am an extrovert.  I definitely have social intelligence, but I isolate.  However, I think isolation is a symptom of PTSD and not the person I am.  I often talk to people if I am waiting.  I do this because it helps with anxiety from waiting.  My sister says she never understands how I can do that.  I also rarely will just talk to a male, I am friendlier with women.

Dee I'm the same as you. I will talk to anyone without issue; however, the depth at which I actually let people in is different. I Guess I would compare it to a rose. The "extrovert" who talks to everyone is like the lovely aroma that can be scented from a ways away, but the thorns we carry keep people a safe distance away from our more introverted and traumatized innards.
I find people are always  incredibly shocked when they find out how traumatized I have been in life and perhaps some of that "extrovert" is a defence against people seeing the damage too.

I mean... Wave a ribbon-adorned tambourine with your beautiful hand and no one will notice the scarred and mangled one behind your back.

I don't think there is anything wrong with realizing we need time to seclude once in a while if only to allow ourselves to reflect and deepen our understanding of what we are battling. It's the line we have to draw with ourselves so as not to slide down the slippery slope of never going back out of seclusion.

I hope that helped some and I hope you find comfort in knowing there isn't anything "wrong with you". You're just fighting the same war as the rest of us here too. We'll get there 

[Wife#2]

Laurel, great question!

I am what many consider an extrovert. My childhood cPTSD has roots in being bullied by a brother and in having a sister who literally could not speak. So, I would talk to ANYONE. I was so desperate for anyone to validate me, to listen to me, I figured if I just tried everyone, maybe someone will! I had no boundaries as a child and would tell anyone anything if they sat still long enough.

As I matured, this changed into a desire to 'beat them to the punch'. If I told the funny story about that time I fell down the stairs, then it would be MY funny story, not one my brother told about what a klutz I was. Into teen years, when there were no siblings around to defend against, I just decided that everyone liked me and those that didn't - didn't matter. I still didn't have good boundaries or filters, but my friends were pretty cool about it.

I was not always able to speak to strangers, but I rarely backed down if someone I didn't know spoke to me. I figured if they reached out, the least I can do is respond. Also, as I got older and understood stranger danger, I did start being afraid to speak to just anybody.

I had been shy for a while until my heart-mom sister told me that shyness was a form of ego - that people in general don't spend time thinking about me - brought me out of it a bit. Then, I got used to chatting - small talk about nothing in particular. I realized this is all most people want from me anyway. Sometimes the chatting would lead to a friendship. Often it was a one-time thing in the grocery isle or standing in line at the bank. But, I got in the habit of saying what I was thinking - if what I was thinking was nice or kind. Then, let happen what happens.

It isn't that I am without fear talking to new people, but casual conversations are easy for me. If I believe that a friendship is possible or that I may get to know that person beyond that casual relationship (cashier at the grocery store kind of thing) then I get tongue tied, unsure of myself and self-conscious.

I do agree that it's kind of the reverse of what radical went through. Instead of turning inward as a result of my neglectful abuse, I turned outward - always seeking people who wanted to hear from me.

[LaurelLeaves]

Thanks everyone.  It makes more sense now.  I am recently trying to befriend an extrovert, who I can tell was severely abused as a child.  And it just got me wondering...
'cause I was always like this:  ^-PEOPLE!

[meursault]

I don't even know what I would be.  I think it's pretty clear that behaviourally I'm an extrovert, but I recharge when alone.  I actively go out of my way to be social, so I don't start feeling panic from social avoidance.  I have a lot of fear -- all the time -- around people, but I need them.  Like Sanmagic, I think my "trust radar" is damaged.  I think a lot of it is having no real conception of what personal boundaries are appropriate or "allowable" for me to actually have.   

I tend to trust too much immediately, and get hurt a lot.  But I think there's also a defense in being open.  You sort of control exactly what people see to a degree.  Like I'll go up and let someone know I feel nervous and shaky around them, but that keeps them from questioning further that I am actually completely traumatized from being a kid.  They don't look any further when you've already given more information than normal.  Sort of a "peacock defense".

So I think there's some safety in being standoffish and introverted, but when you are being extroverted, you are actually kind of picking which aspects of yourself you are revealing for attack, so you can still keep the fundamental stuff hidden.  Doing it unconsciously, but still doing it.  I think that sort of happens with me, at least.  It sounds really Machiavellian, but I think it's from growing up not allowed to have personal boundaries and just somehow coming up with a way of responding which opens you to attack, but not fatal attack...  With me growing up, defending myself ALWAYS escalated things until I'd lose, so it was best to have control on how I lost from the get-go and get it over with as quickly as possible.  Then you get more extroverted when you feel threatened to pre-empt  the expected attack.  You give up ground to save the flag so to speak.  I'm not sure if that makes sense to anyone, but I think that's how I function at times.  Hope that doesn't make me a terrible person!

Meursault

[LaurelLeaves]

  I think it's pretty clear that behaviourally I'm an extrovert, but I recharge when alone.

There are different kinds of introverts.  Some are social, some aren't.  I think recharging when alone is the biggest indicator. 
Some people think introvert = shy-anxious-recluse, and that's simply not true.  I found this article: http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/06/apparently-there-are-four-kinds-of-introversion.html   

But I understand how you can act like an extrovert as sort of a defense mechanism.   Give up ground to protect the flag makes sense.

And of course your not a terrible person.  Just being here and trying to heal yourself means you're more aware of what you do than most people.   

[solongStockholm]

I identify as a (mild) extrovert with social anxiety. I am a "people person" and take most pleasure in making someone else smile and feel good about themselves. I think I was always a people pleaser and took comfort in knowing I made others happy. It wasn't until recently that I started isolating myself from almost everyone. I'm not depressed but I do think I am isolating sort of as a reaction to coming to grips with my traumatic upbringing.

[shoshannah]

I am an extrovert...it's very difficult, because I end up in abusive friendships again and again....I let people take advantage of me.

Also I was runner up for prom queen and I recall thinking "what the *, people actually like me?"

It's like I am a people pleaser who assumes everyone hates me...

I am realizing that I just accept the first people who want to be friends with me or want to date me, since I don't ever think I can do better.

What I ought to start doing is actively seeking out people who I feel seem like good candidates for fiends and be the one to initiate.

Xx

[woodsgnome]

For me, it seems like any inclinations towards extroversion were toppled by intense fears of the abusers of my childhood years. My introvert side seemed to grow in proportion to how unsafe i felt. Still holds--I've never regained enough trust or safety and could be labeled almost an extreme, isolated introvert.

Well, yeah--it's how I found peace, but not sure it indicates much more than the people-phobia set in motion as a youth. When I can become engaged with someone I feel connected to, I can be very extroverted as I'm eager and excited for that sort of exchange. I rarely have found it, though; and other times I backed off out of my own habit of thinking that it was too good to be true. I feel I probably cut off many sincere people in this way, as it made me seem standoffish. 


Some who saw me only in my on-stage acting roles would definitely identify me as extroverted. Even when portraying a reclusive character, it goes off better with a little extroversion thrown in or you lose the audience. As I felt good while thus engaged, maybe I am indeed an extrovert at heart. Once off-stage, though, notions of 'outta here/people are dangerous' would return and squelch any tendencies of extroversion. This disappointed some, but I knew it as a boundary, I guess--to revert to introversion. But I don't know which was more natural.

Still working my way around with this. I hope I can shake enough introversion in a rare intensive workshop coming up where I'll be close-up with 8-12 people for 5 days in a distant locale well out of my comfort zone. Before when I did these (last time was 12 years ago), either label wasn't obvious--I had introvert and extrovert moments. The difference then, in both counts, is I just felt safe to be fully myself, share and interact (although there were times when I was very dissociated). While I don't want to place false expectations on this year's session, I sense at least the prospect of that again.

Perhaps my in-between attitude can be summarized by this observation of poet Henri Cole: "I don't want words to sever me from reality."