I'm new...Here's my story. There's a lot of it. (Trigger Warning)

[LovelyLindsey]

-I've read this over a few times since I posted it because I tend to obsess over these things... "Did i say that right? Will they understand what I mean? Do I come across this way or that way?" ...and I just realized how unemotional it all really sounds. I guess I didn't realize I had distanced myself so much from the feelings that come with these memories. That's weird to me since it feels like my whole world revolves around whats happened to me. To be honest, the past few months have been really hard to deal with. My depression is so deep that I haven't really left the safety of my bed in almost 5 days...and then it makes me feel even worse about myself because I have my son to take care of. Don't get me wrong, he's clothed, fed, bathed...I give him hugs and kisses and tell him how much I love him...but I don't have the energy or the patience to play with him, or sit at the table and eat with him...I feel like I'm slowly drowning. I know I am getting help but I'm still terrified that I'm going to be living the rest of my life feeling the way that I do.-   

My history is rich with trauma. I'm only 26 but I could swear I've survived more than two lifetimes worth of it. I don't mean that in a cynical way; just matter of fact. I'm very open to sharing my story because I believe it helps not only me, but other people to become more aware of mental illness and abuse.  I've actually considered writing a book. So, I'm not really sure where to start. There's a lot to my story so...

I've only been living with the diagnoses of PTSD for about 6 months. I'm quite sure it's actually CPTSD considering my history, but I'm only just learning this. Before this, I was living with a diagnosis of Bi-Polar Disorder. I was 13 years old when I was given that title. I'm always greeted with disbelief and awe when I reveal that. For those of you that don't know, a Bi-Polar diagnoses at that age is pretty much unheard of and slightly frowned upon. Mostly because when a child goes through puberty around that age, there are hormonal  changes that can cause mood swings and it's hard to differentiate between mood swings and true Bi-Polar episodes. Plus, the medicines that are used to treat Bi-Polar can be very strong, and using them on a child whose brain is still developing can be questionable.

The thing is, I believe I was wrongly given that diagnoses because they never thought to attribute my behavior to PTSD. I was a very troubled child, full of rage and sadness, prone to angry outbursts and deep bouts of depression. I know now it was because I didn't know how to cope with the trauma I had experienced as a little girl. I was sexually abused for a period of time by my two adolescent stepbrothers when I was about 5. Neither knew the other was involved. I remember asking my mother if it was okay that it was happening, because I was so little that I didn't understand. She immediately took action after that, and there was an investigation by Social Services.

They came to the conclusion that I was a little girl that had too much imagination, and I must have made the whole thing up. My mother is a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner and has a lot of faith in the system, so she took their word for it and that was that. My stepbrothers were sent to live with their mother and nothing ever came of it.

Except here I am, my whole life up to this point steered by that. Trauma begets trauma.

As a child, I was the kid that everyone always picked on. I was prone to uncontrollable emotional outbursts that sometimes got violent....so, I didn't have many friends. As I got older, it only got worse. I was prescribed a handful of medications that I shouldn't have even been taking. At one point, I was in such a pill induced zombie-like state, that I became anorexic because I had no appetite. I was harassed by most everyone and in 7th grade I had only one friend. Both my parents were always either sleeping or working because they worked opposing schedules. I hardly ever saw them, and when I did, all we did was fight. We moved around quite a bit too, which hardly helped. I was lonely, angry, depressed and extremely rebellious. I was very promiscuous and as a result I put myself into situations with boys that were very dangerous.

At 17, I was in an almost fatal car crash with three other people. I miraculously managed to walk away with severe head trauma, 18 stitches in my knee, and a broken back. One of the girls in the crash had so much brain damage that she had to relearn how to walk, and had to have upwards of 12 brain surgeries.

A few months later, I thought I had found my first real love. After the first 6 months, we moved in together. He ended up being abusive in every way possible. Physically, sexually, emotionally, mentally. He would physically abuse me with my "friends" in the other room, and they would do nothing. I didn't leave. He fell in love with another woman, got her pregnant and insisted that he have both relationships. She knew about the abuse, and didn't care. Then he tried to get involved with a third woman. I still didn't leave. He nearly choked me to death with his brother standing outside the front door. That was the third time he'd almost killed me, and I was still reluctant to leave...but I did. I called the police and he was arrested. Two days later, he was released because he was a "first time offender". The abuse still didn't end. His mother would pay the local kids with cigarettes to watch my apartment and report back to her. She called the police on me three times, and I ended up getting two minor consumption charges because the only way I knew how to cope was to drink.

Fast forward to age 19. I'm dating a 26 year old guy with a drinking problem, and we're living in a Winnebago Camper with three dogs and a cat. He's extremely jealous, to the point it's almost abusive. I visit some girl friends on Christmas Eve without him and I end up drinking too much liquor. An ex-boyfriend of one of my friends is there and he takes the opportunity to rape me while I'm so intoxicated I can't fight back. I'm afraid to tell my boyfriend, but I do anyway and as I'm sobbing my eyes out he precedes to accuse me of cheating on him. I stay with him for 6 more months.

I fell in love with a man that was in the army. He proposed to me. I said yes. I sold ALL of my belongings and bought a one way ticket to Utah. He met me there and we drove to Kansas to live with his family. Not even a month later, he decides that I'm not the one and breaks it off. I had to ride in the car with him for 12 hours back to Minnesota. I called my parents because I had no money, and no where to go. They told me verbatim: "The last time you left was the last time you left.". He then left me in Minnesota in the dead of winter, homeless.

Now, I know this is long. It's not easy to explain it without the length because my whole past is basically one giant tragedy. And you know what sucks? That's not even the whole story. Not by a long shot.

I'm a stay at home mom now. I have a four year old son who looks up to me, and a boyfriend that loves me deeply but has no respect for my mental illness because no matter how many times I've explained it to him, he still doesn't get it....and we fight constantly. I don't know about you but I am very conscious of my limits and there's a point I get to when I'm angry that I don't easily come back from. I try to tell him that I need to be left alone, that I need space, otherwise I'm going to get to that point, but to no avail. I'm currently seeing a trauma therapy specialist and I'm going to start EMDR soon. I have so much more to share but I feel like this post has gone on far enough and I want to thank you for reading it. I hope I can get some insight from being a part of this forum.   

[bring em all in]

Welcome to the forum. I think you will find a great deal of support here. You certainly have been through a lot. It's a wonder we make it through everything, isn't it?

But you are strong. You've survived and lived to tell about it- and telling about it is part of the healing process.

We are all in this together

[LovelyLindsey]

Thank you for the support 

I've felt very alone in all of this for so long that it gives me a glimmer of hope to find people that can truly relate to me.

Someday, I'll be able to live life instead of just surviving it. 

[bring em all in]

You're welcome! Our goal is, as Pete Walker puts it, to go from surviving to thriving. I'm still in survival mode, but this group makes that easier!!!!

[Three Roses]

Welcome, LovelyLindsey! I'm glad you're here, and that you made it out and are building a healthy life for yourself and your family. Thanks for joining!

[sanmagic7]

hi, ll,

i can totally relate to having a SO who doesn't 'get it'.  my husband hasn't understood for many years.  he's been trying, but he just can't relate.  lots of explanations are constantly going on between us, and he's understanding more and more, bit by bit.  i've researched c-ptsd and gave him articles which helped to explain it to him in ways that i couldn't.  plus, they came from a source other than myself, so it was validating what i'd been saying.  before that, we'd also fight all the time - bicker, bicker, bicker! 

it was rough going for awhile, but it's getting better.  i'm really thankful for that.  hopefully, your boyfriend will become more understanding as you go through this and understand it better for yourself.  i'm glad you have a trauma therapist on the horizon - i have great faith in emdr.  i know it can really be helpful.

right now, with your depression, it sounds like you're still doing a great job with your son.  this is just like any other illness where you might be bedridden for awhile.  as your recovery evolves, you'll be able to do more with him.  don't beat yourself up for being sick.  if you had the flu, it would be the same dynamic.  just focus on feeling better yourself, and your energy will come back and you'll be able to do more with your son.  it'll happen.  in the meantime, glad you're here, lovelylindsey. 

[Wife#2]

LL - I can understand so much of your story! You are so young and have learned so much about the world - things that are so unpleasant. Of course this will weigh you down sometimes. I can say that IRL validation goes a long way in finding the energy to engage.

I don't know how to help with the understanding SO, though. My hubby gets it because he's ucPTSD also. He doesn't think of me as ucPTSD, but lately he's been getting a better and better picture of what I've been through. He's getting more patient with me, which helps me stay patient with him. Yup, that's a lot of 'patients' at my house! It helps to have a sense of humor about it all sometimes. Hubby and I will tease sometimes that we may as well laugh because if we start crying we may never stop.

Having a young son as you work on coping is hard - that I know also. Mine is now 8. He's had his challenges because both his parents are so damaged. I'm working to make sure he knows his value and that he is unconditionally loved. Sometimes, making sure he knows that is what keeps me moving forward when I'd really rather be in a ball under my covers telling the world to go away.

Best of luck with the EMDR. I'd love to learn more about that and see if there are any therapists around here who do that kind of work. Let me know what you think of it, please.  to you!

By the way - that isn't even close to a wall of text. I think you expressed yourself clearly and with lots of heart. I'm sad that life put that much onto you already. Yet, hopeful for you - I get the sense that you are a fighter - not prone to giving up. I love that San calls so many of us warriors - I think we can include you in the warrior ranks!

[sanmagic7]

definitely a warrior!

[LovelyLindsey]

You're all very encouraging, thank you.

I do have trouble being the mother I'd like to be for my son and my depression is my greatest enemy when it comes to that. My mother was not the best when it came to showing me that she loved me, and I have a great fear of doing that to my son. I hug him, and I give him kisses and I try to show him a lot of affection. I tell him I love him many, many, times over the course of everyday. I want him to know that even though mommy is sick, even though mommy is sad and angry sometimes, that I still love him more than anything. 

My SO and I have been together for 5 years, and we've had our share of problems together...a lot of it I think is that he has his own inner battles he's struggling with. I don't think he realizes that he has any issues though, and that's the bigger problem. I'm battling with our relationship while also battling my own problems and frankly, I'm exhausted.

I try to remind myself that I've been through a lot worse, but then I can't help thinking that I shouldn't have to go through any of this at all. That even though it would be very hard at first, if I walked away, eventually it would be easier for me to concentrate on myself. It just adds to all of my depression and my stress, because it's not just my relationship or me that's suffering, it's also my son.
   

[Wife#2]

I understand the dilemma regarding your son. Wow, how I understand that part of it all.

When my son was about your son's age, I began a tradition with him that we still practice. It was designed to give him a chance to say whatever was on his mind and to put his day into perspective.

We call it 'Best part, worst part'. And it's always ended with a big hug and a kiss. We say three worst parts that happened to us that day (late getting up, boss yelled at me, traffic was awful) followed by the three best parts of the day (I was able to defend against angry boss, I got to see your adorable face before bedtime, I'm calm now). I'd make mine as generic as possible, but honestly that's backfired - now to make me happy, DS8 does the same. Back at 4-6 years old, though, I'd get (Daddy yelled on the phone and it scared me, I'm sad about our dog that died, so-and-so at school teased me on the bus). Best parts would always include the time for best-worst.

I'm telling you not to say you should do that, but because it built a safe-zone that my son can rely on every day. Even if I'm sick or working crazy hours. At some point each 24-hour period, we will sit down and hear each other. We'll talk about both the good and the bad stuff - so he knows it's ok to have both kinds. I'm getting dividends of statements like, 'Mom, I know you love me forever. I can talk to you about ANYTHING.'

My husband gets jealous of that time dedicated to our son. He gets jealous that I'll fight for it. He gets over it, too. DS8 and I will have this time together, if it has to be over homework, so be it. DS8 and I see the benefit - we feel truly connected.

Now, don't get me wrong. When I realized the benefit of this little time (1/2 hour to an hour most nights), I began making sure DH and I ALSO had that time - to de-stress and discuss our day. Hubby is beginning to realize it can be a conversation starter when neither of us knows what to talk about - so - what was YOUR worst part of the day? And what was best about it? Why? Here's a  - the kiss you'll have to get from your DS4 

[AncientSoul]

Welcome LovelyLindsey:

If you wish to heal, this is a good place to be. If you want to write, say what's on your mind. People here can relate and they understand.

I popped in tonight not planning to respond to anything. I saw your post, read every word, and understood in my own ways what you were saying. Keep going with talking about it. And doesn't it feel good to get it out? Its your life, its your time, and with what you're saying the healing keeps happening.

I was looking at the good things you were saying. You have a child, and you're showing and giving that child love, affection and kindness. With that comes acceptance. Such important things for a child to feel and to learn. I imagine there can never be too much love. And I believe you understand.

All I can say is, keep letting it out. With doing that also comes understanding. And there is no time limit.

I'm speaking for all the people I know here. Welcome.

AncientSoul