Possible TW - EF at Work Leads to Regrets

[movementforthebetter]

Hi all. Not sure if this is a question or an annecdote. Just wanted to share something that I did that I'm not proud of. At least I know the why. Just not sure how to stop from doing it again.

At work one person is particularly grouchy. This person doesn't want to do extra work or is going through some stuff. I don't know; not my concern. This person is part of a team. My work involves bringing work from everyone on my team to her team. I called the team and asked her coworker if I could bring in a bunch of items for them. This other coworker said no problem, so I did.

I made a mistake on some of the items, and the grouchy person (instead of talking to me directly) complained to her superior, who then started questioning my team members one by one. She got to me, asked if I brought the work down (I did), who I spoke to (her coworker) and if I knew anything about a few of the items. This is where I let myself down.

I EF'd back to being a kid and being terrified to answer my M for fear of a beating. And in an instant I lied - it was out before I knew it and I regretted it immediately. "No, I don't know about those items - our team all submits work together so it could have been anyone." But in this case I don't know if she believed me but she let it rest, and I will too so I don't make things worse.

I have learned from this but it hits me in a weak point in my character - speaking with integrity in the face of negative consequences for actions I need to own.

I need a way out of EFs in an instant, like in the middle of a conversation, but I'm not sure that exists. So barring that, if I can recognize this trigger in the future, I hope to be able to know that any trouble I could get in at work will not be as bad as what I used to get at home.

This incident has bugged me ever since it happened yesterday. Thanks for reading and to this forum for helping me untangle what has repeated more than once in my life but I only see now.

[Jdog]

Movementforthebetter-

I sounds to me like the fact that you noticed  your response and know why you responded In the way that you did to the criticism of your work is a big step toward being able to choose a different response in the future.  Congratulations on the analysis, and also on attempting more positive self talk.  I don't think you need to berate yourself any further as you move along the path toward healing.

In regards to an instant way out of EFs- I don't have a one-size-fits-all answer but I do know that it's possible to slow down the breathing, let oneself know that one is safe in the present moment, and mentally picture a favorite place like the ocean or the mountains.  I think you will find some clues within yourself as you continue working on the situation. 

Please be kind to yourself - the little kid inside who received beatings needs that kindness.  That kid didn't deserve the beatings then and doesn't deserve anything other than love and kindness now.

Take care.

[Three Roses]

I relate to this so much. I always wondered why I did it; discovering it's my amygdala hijacking my body's responses to a perceived threat has helped me feel more validated, and gives me hope that I can recover from this, one of my least favorite "coping" skills.

As children we had no other way of protecting ourselves. It is a testament to our intelligence and strong survival instincts that we came up with new and evolving strategies, and a testament to our strength and bravery to face it now and evolve again.

For me it works better if I can keep myself from EF'ing before I go there. I'm learning how to take cues from my body (racing heart, dizzy, holding my breath) that I'm entering an EF and work on slowing my breathing and telling myself repeatedly, this is now, I an here, I am safe until I feel better.

Hope this helps. You matter. 

[Dee]

I've done it too.  I felt like I have done something wrong, that I was bad, so I tried to hide my mistake.  Don't beat yourself up over it.  You feel bad and regret it, you are a good person who made a mistake.  Nothing more than that.  If it means you have less of a character, then you are in good company.  I think it means that we developed unhealthy coping skills and need to work them out.  I lied to survive as a kid, sounds like you did too.

[movementforthebetter]

Thanks everyone for sharing your insights. Modifying the common saying here, "I can be my own worst enemy." Not that I am - that implies permanence.

Unfortunately for me, my middle-of-the-night wake-ups often turn to ruminations about work or interactions I "could've handled better", as is the case tonight. But it was nice to be able to check in here and read your reassuring words. Tomorrow is another day... Apparently I'm all about turns of phrsse today. 

[Wife#2]

I don't know if you remember a very short-lived television series - late 80's or early 90's. It was extremely cheesy - like over-the-top. The premise was a muppet-style dinosaur family living in dino-suburbia. Anyway, there was one part that always tickled me. The writers realized it was a great gimmick, so it was in nearly every episode AND every commercial. The baby dino is sitting on the counter as Daddy Dino tries to make a meal. The only words Baby Dino says - while hitting his dad on the head with a frying pan repeating, 'Not the Mama, Not the Mama.'

With some twisting for purpose, my oldest brother and I used to repeat that in situations where we needed to react differently than we did with our mother. We'd tell each other about the situations later - using that 'Not the Mama, NOT the Mama' phrase to crack each other up.

Possibly, planting this (or some similar 'derailing') idea in your head before the situation can help you retrieve THAT thought instead of the fear thought. I understand the fear thought - if she finds out then I'm in trouble!!! In your case, trouble was unbearable, so it's natural to do whatever you have to so you can escape. Rerouting that fear is no small thing, for sure.

When confronted with any situation where you fear the consequences, you can recall YOUR phrase or idea that can bring you back to now sooner.

Also, I think it is wise to just let the incident slide into history now. Now, a good approach may be - if she's not loosing any sleep over it, I can give myself permission to not loose any more sleep over it as well. It happened. It's over. The world is still spinning. I am NOT a horrible person because of this one slip. I AM an honorable person who slipped due to things that happened to me in my deep past. I'm working on my recovery from those things, therefore a slip does not define who I am.

This is just my suggestion. I hope it helped - or at least the idea of 'Not the Mama' made you smile.

[sanmagic7]

mftb, i can so relate to being up in the middle of the night ruminating on mistakes i've made.  even if i scream at myself in my mind 'stop! stop!' it doesn't always work.  for me it was always about failing at being perfect, which was the expectation i grew up with.

i think you got some good suggestions on how to prevent this from happening again.  i hope you can stop wailing on yourself for crashing through that time barrier.  i believe that those coping mechanisms we developed to survive become so ingrained over time, they are simply our go-to responses when triggered.   i also believe that they become weaker as we become stronger in recovery, and we're able to replace them eventually. 

so, you lied, it was a mistake, and you're taking the steps you need to do so that it doesn't happen again.  that is what i call making progress.  good for you.  big hug.