possible cptsd? -bullying

[Rose123]

Hi this is my first time using this forum and i'm not entirely sure that I belong..

I am 18 and have recently moved to university. Since getting to uni I have become more anxious than before, although I had experienced general and social anxiety before, I had not experienced panic attacks as I am now. I believe the source of this panic and anxiety rests with the bullying I experienced for several years at the start of secondary school. The bullying I experienced was mainly emotional with occasionally being shoved, or having one of my bullies repeatedly trying to unclasp my bra through back of my shirt. Since then I have been very uncomfortable with physical contact of any kind, and jump whenever even my closest friends do as little as tap me on the shoulder.

My friends at home seemed to notice that I dislike touch and so would avoid anything that would make me feel uncomfortable, but since I arrived at uni I have realized how much they held back as so many of my interactions involve touch. Although my body physically reacts by flinching I know I actually want the contact? I have been in situations here where I could be intimate with other people who I know are kind and respectful, yet I cant get my body calm down, I feel constantly on edge and have to end the situation quickly as I start to feel trapped and close to a panic attack.

The kids who bullied me were all male and I still feel uncomfortable around men, I feel exhausted having to watch every move as if they may hurt me even though I know my male friends here are some of the kindest people i've ever met, and I feel guilty for the way it might make them feel if I get jumpy when they walk into the room or tap me to get my attention. I have to leave any situation which makes me feel trapped which is starting to really impact me.

I felt pretty alone in this experience before reading some of the posts in this forum, I think perhaps I have been experiencing cptsd but im not sure..  has anyone had similar experiences, or does anyone have any advice to get my body to stop reacting so much 

[radical]

Welcome Rose 123

Bullying is traumatising and the effects remain long after the experience ends,  I'm sorry this happened to you.  You didn't deserve it.  What you describe in consequence is familar to most here: anxiety, feeling alone, hypervigilience, panic attacks, feeling the need to leave or avoid situations in which you fear being triggered.

Is there a counselling service with your university?  Often such uni services are of high quality. It sounds like it might be useful to have someone to talk to in person, as well as online.  There are often groups associated with the services which might be helpful as well as groups such as self-defense which might help you feel more in control and with confidence. There are usually mindfulness/ meditation courses too.

It's great you are getting onto sorting this out now.  I hope OOTS helps you feel safe and accepted.  I look forward to hearing more from you.
Warm wishes.

[Three Roses]

hello and welcome! glad to have you aboard.

at almost 60 years old i still jump and scream when someone just walks into the room, even my lovely husband whom i trust. being touched by male or female is uncomfortable and feels risky. ive only been aware of cptsd for a short time and this forum is helping a lot! i am so, so glad that you are dealing with this now, at 18!! really awesome to hear.

thanks again for joining

[alliematt]

I'm also a bullying survivor, and I'm sorry this has happened to you.  Like another poster said, you didn't deserve it.  And given what you experienced, your physical reactions sound very understandable.

[bring em all in]

I know you posted a while back but I am new here. What you wrote really strikes a chord with me- especially the paradox of wanting and not wanting to be touched. It's a lonely place to be. I hope you are deriving comfort and support from this website!