3R's Path of Recovery

[sanmagic7]

right back atcha, cutie pie.     

[DecimalRocket]

Hey, 3Roses. Relapses are a terrible thing. It somehow hurts more when everything has been going better, and it adds a hopelessness to life. I hope you can find at least a little hope in us. Take care.

[Three Roses]

Talking about how i was feeling was very helpful. Everyone's responses then brought me healing. Thank you for your input! I love seeing how everyone's posts may come from different angles but still contain the support (and dare I say love?) we need to make adjustments. You guys rock! 

[Elphanigh]

You can definitely say love, Three Roses  ♥️ I think that is accurate, at least from my stand point. I am so glad that you shared, and that it was helpful. We are always here to listen and offer any help we can 

[sanmagic7]

 

[Three Roses]

Thanks, everyone. 
**
My late F's hobbies included painting and sculpture, specifically sculpting in wood. Of course, when he passed, both his kids inherited these works.

Sometimes, I feel like I'm living in a museum to him. Sometimes I would really like to not have all of these sculptures and paintings that I have to look at all the time, but my kids want me to hold on to them until they're ready to have them.

Some of them are put away, and for the most part, I usually enjoy the ones that are displayed. But sometimes it hits me right in the gut. And I think, This is the beautiful work of my father. It is the one area where I saw, and see, his tenderness and deep regard for nature and children, and a bit of his sense of humor.

Yesterday, I was looking for some tax documents and ran across a drawing that he'd made years and years ago. It was of me. One of his favorite things to do was to draw cartoons of people; he had always done this ever since he started drawing when he was just a boy. I think I remember him saying that it was a sincere form of flattery. I don't know how anyone could feel flattered by seeing any of the cartoons he drew of any of us.

So anyway. Back to yesterday. At first I was amused by this cartoon, and filled with kind of nostalgic longing. Then today as I was looking at it again, I saw just how unflattering this cartoon really is. And I went from going to put it up on the refrigerator to putting it back in the file box where I found it.

This is huge, huge progress for me! I was indoctrinated into accepting criticism and all sorts of abuse from this man. And finally, I feel like I am shaking that off, like an old coat that doesn't fit anymore and is too warm or not warm enough and uncomfortable in every way.

[Blueberry]

And I went from going to put it up on the refrigerator to putting it back in the file box where I found it.

This is huge, huge progress for me! I was indoctrinated into accepting criticism and all sorts of abuse from this man. And finally, I feel like I am shaking that off, like an old coat that doesn't fit anymore and is too warm or not warm enough and uncomfortable in every way.

 

[Elphanigh]

Way to go 

[sanmagic7]

wow!  well done, 3roses.  what a huge step. 

that one act, putting the cartoon back into the box, says so much about how you've grown into being more true to you.  i'm so glad you're not willing to accept criticism of any kind from any source.  huge step.  yay, you.  love and a big hug.

[Three Roses]

And just like that I'm back to square one. It's my own fault really. I wasn't as careful as I usually am.

I'm not good with closeness, I'm seeing that more and more clearly. I do have really good friends but they're all emotionally distant, like me. So they understand when I withdraw from contact. They don't take it personally, just as I do not when they are unreachable. I know all I have to do is wait patiently for the clouds to clear for them. They will talk to me again when they are able.

I'm reminded of a quote I read the other day, from the actor Zachary Quinto: "I found myself in a pattern of being attracted to people who were somehow unavailable, and what I realized was that I was protecting myself because I equate the idea of connection and love with trauma and death."  This resonated with me like the town square tower bell!
―

I was feeling very down so I went to my daily meditation book for 12 steps. As usual it was eerily appropriate:

"I like people, and at one time I wanted everyone to be my friend. With the best of intentions, I tried to encourage friendships with certain individuals, although my attempts were repeatedly, discreetly rebuffed.

I was comforted by the words I heard at the close of each Al-Anon meeting: '... though you may not like all of us, you'll love us in a very special way - the same way we already love you.' It was an important lesson that, while I can't have everyone's friendship, I can offer and receive respect, support, and understanding. Patience and humility soothed my wounded pride.

It is unrealistic to expect everyone to like me. With such an expectation, I set myself up to fail and give myself an excuse to blame that failure on others. I can't change other people, but I can change my own attitudes. I can let go of my rules about how others should feel about me. When I am disappointed in another's response, I can make an extra effort to be kind, warm, and loving to myself. I am lovable just the way I am."
(From: Courage To Change)

Doing my best to raise myself up. I may have to take a few things off my plate, it's pretty crowded.

[Elphanigh]

Those are some very insightful quotes, and thoughts. I am glad that you found something that resonate directly with you. I have also been ag a stage where I felt like I needed everyone's friendship and affection, or it reflected poorly on me as a human. It is hard to get out of that mindset, it sounds as if you are making a big leap in that direction 

I do hope that your plate can clear some, you definitely deserve some peace and rest. Sending hugs and love 

[Blueberry]

Me too, 3Roses, I hope you can clear a bit more off your plate. Sounds as if it's heaped full. 

[Three Roses]

 Thanks 😍

Feeling quite a bit better today, hoping it carries thru til tomorrow. I've been eating better (not so much junk), and taking vitamins. Still titrating down on the Prozac. Of course it helps that it's a sunny day, and there were 5 deer in the yard this morning. Think I'll try to go for a walk later today, too.

[sanmagic7]

holy moley, didn't realize you're in the midst of getting off prozac right now.  well, that could muddle things up a bit.

deer in your yard - very cool.

my hub and i used to read 'just for today' kind of stuff out of various 12-step books we had.  it was astonishing how many times those would hit on something pertinent for what was going on in our lives.

i, too, felt i needed everyone to like me, but it was out of the misplaced notion that such a thing would prevent me ever feeling alone again.  weird how that same concept can mean such different things to different people.   i went out of my way to cultivate people by being all the things i thought they wanted/needed, never gave up.  as it turns out now, they're all gone.  mostly cuz i quit.

emotional distance as a protective shield from trauma/death.  very telling.

keep taking care of you, 3roses.  you so deserve your love.  love and hugs to you from me. too.

[Elphanigh]

So glad you are beginning to feel better, Three Roses. I hope you got your walk outside today. Sending hugs and love full of healing warmth