Narc mothers message- panic.

[Sienna]

Guys, i think i just really need some support...something...
Sorry about my posting a lot lately.

Just got a message of my (undiagnosed) narc mum...:
(Photo inserted above of sister)
Your sister ..how proud you should be if her .
It's a shame you have cut us out of your life .
I have tried for a whole year to contact you but you choose to ignore my messages. 
I can't do any more .
Hope you have a happy Christmas wherever you are and whatever you do . Mum xxx

Since i came to the women's refuge (narc partner)...
i have realised how my parenting effected my life.
I saw a little boy here being abused...emotional, physical, the neglect...
and it helped me to see, and feel, part of what happened to me.
My X isn't here anymore, so the anger is coming up about my parents.

Don't know if my mother triangulated me and my sister,
she may be doing that with my sister and my dad (don't know if there is neglect there from my ad to my sister / any other stuff that he does to me)...
which has factored in to her not seeing him.
Sister hasnt answered my messages for a long time.
Didn't see her before she went to Dubi despite mums messages to go see them, because I'm afraid of my mother.
Its not my fault my sister wont speak to me.

Once i re posted this poem on Facebook, not to get at my mother but she thought it was.
She sent an angry message saying that she saw what i wrote in the comments in reply to one person who said she hated the poem, and i just said it wasnt about me, and that I'm working though the effects of my parenting (i was angry and impulsive)
and i only wrote it cos she said something invalidating. I cant remember how it all happened.
Mum would not be understanding of my anger, and cant accept the truth of what she did, so i couldnt explain to her why i didnt know how to respond to her messages.

I feel really shaken up after this message. Really really anxious, and i don't know why.
I feel guilty for not speaking to my mum - i know its not her fault she is the way she is...
but Ive been angry for some time, and just didnt know how to answer her messages,
which my T agreed, sounded quite...like a telling off for not speaking to her.
Ive ruined it. Should i ever wish to be in contact with her again, maybe i cant.

Im trying to heal and my anger- which my mum doesnt know about- people cant accept it (narc x couldnt and due to his hoovering by proxy, people were pressuring me to speak to him and to see family at xmas- things they know nothing about)
It seems as though most don't want me to heal (they don't know I'm trying to heal)
I feel like I'm being punished - like ive done something wrong by healing.
Maybe this is just all a story that isn't actually real. Maybe my mum did nothing.
I feel once again, that familioiur feeling that my good day has been ruined, and that my mum would think i don't deserve any of those good things and that i should just stop feeling appreciative of what i do have, of what went right today,
because I'm a bad person and don't match up to my sister, the golden child.

Just needed to get that out there. I feel really, really panicy.

[Three Roses]

She's "hoovering" - dangling emotional bait in an effort to get you to react. 

Hugs to you, sienna. Try to not get drawn back in to her drama.

[Sienna]

Thank you Three Roses.   
I didnt know if it was a hoover or not, as it sounded final, but so did another message one time, telling me to *go have a nice life*. (after the stupid poem)
I cant believe its a hoover. I cant believe any of this is real. She has been hoovering for a while, and i *guessed* the messages might be called hoovers, but it seems weird to me suddenly like a weird trip that she is actually hoovering.
And i believe its only cos my sister has gone abroad.
I don't believe ive ever been sucked *into her drama*. Its different than how it was with my narc X. I cant argue with her, cos I'm too scared of her.
Its odd that she would want me back, - for all my life i thought she hated me. She made it clear through her words that i wasnt good enough.
So maybe this is a hoover.

[bring em all in]

One of the things I read recently is that in dysfunctional families a child's anger gets treated as a capital crime. It was that way for me. I still feel crushing guilt when I express any degree of anger or stand up for/assert myself.

Is that how you feel? If so, I don't have a solution for it (yet) but it might help you to know others feel the same way.

[Sienna]

Thank you for sharing that bring em all in.
Isn't it eye opening when you start reading?
Yes, that is how i feel. With my X i was so angry sometimes the guilt was berried, but yes, i do.
Im sorry you had similar experiences in your FOO with anger.
It can get you into dangerous and unfair situations as an adult with an inability to say *no*.

My problem i guess, is weather or not i deserve to feel the guilt (which might be part of the childhood programming and the narc stuff)...
Thanks again, for letting me know I'm not alone.