Hope66's Journal

[Hope67]

Hi SanMagic, Andyman & Decimal Rocket - thank you so much for all those lovely hugs, and good wishes, and  to all of you.   

Journal entry for 6th January 2018 (Might be some Triggers in my entry today - mentioning 'teasing' as a child, with relationship to CSA) **

I've had a mixed few days - in terms of some nice things happening, and also some more challenging feelings - probably related to reading a book - and it bringing up more feelings to the foreground - but I'm really glad I read it - however, I noticed that it's almost like different 'presentations of myself' 'come out' at different times - not sure if this makes sense, but at certain points when reading the book, I felt like a small child, and at others, as if I was an 'academic' - so I suspect that I was either 'intellectualising' at certain points, as if I'm an 'impartial observer' - and then at others 'feeling my feelings as a smaller child' - other things I've noticed were that I was reluctant to 'bear any touch' - especially around 'feet' - which is understandable in terms of some of the invasive things I felt as a child - relating to people teasing me with their feet - I still find it difficult to be around a bare foot!

However, I am feeling 'stronger' for having read the book - it was about Child Sexual Abuse and was by Dr Susan Clancy - however, I also found certain parts confusing too - infact I want to talk more about it, but somehow feel 'overwhelmed' regarding 'where to start' in terms of talking about it.  Hence, I've not written more in the "Books" section yet - but I do remember that just reading that one of the participants of the study hadn't talked about their CSA for decades, and just reading that in my mind brought me to sobbing uncontrollably - so it evoked something incredibly powerful in me.

Actually, Andy's comment about there being dysfunction in his family since the 1880's - that resonated with me too - as I have looked into my family history and there is dysfunction in so many ways in my family history, and it does help me to understand a little why things have turned out as they are currently - several generations of the family have been 'estranged' - it is a powerful legacy.  I just wish people could have communicated through the ages, it would have helped so much!

Not sure what else to say just now, but glad to have written again in my Journal - and I am hoping to do more 'processing' of things - as I see that as a way forward for me at the moment.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Journal entry for 8th January 2018

I feel as if my emotions are closer to the surface than normal - I'm more tearful and reactive than normal.  Little things seem to trigger me - but the good thing is that I'm 'thinking about it' and recognizing it's to do with emotional flashbacks (EF's) and that helps me to understand why I'm experiencing what I'm experiencing.

I'll try to pop back later, as I'm not able to think about what I want to write.  The words are 'stuck' - but I'll be back hopefully later tonight - if I get a chance.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I feel as if my emotions are closer to the surface than normal - I'm more tearful and reactive than normal.  Little things seem to trigger me - but the good thing is that I'm 'thinking about it' and recognizing it's to do with emotional flashbacks (EF's) and that helps me to understand why I'm experiencing what I'm experiencing.

on recognising that it's to do with EFs! I'm very irritable and argumentative atm IRL. Thanks for pointing out: those are EFs.

Thanks so much for responding to my own post, despite the fact that your words are 'stuck'. 

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
What ended up happening yesterday was that I tried to 'quote' your post in my reply in the other thread, and because I didn't do it right, I ended up thrown into an EF - whereby my inner critic had a bit of a 'dance' and told me I was just 'useless' - then I felt upset and teary - and then I thought 'How ridiculous that you can't do a tiny thing' (which again was my inner critic having a go at me). 

When I tried to write about it in my Journal, I ended up thinking 'How ridiculous is this?' - which again is an inner critic type of thought - and then my words just 'stuck' - so I got on with some other things - cooking my meal - and thankfully I felt better about things, as I thought what a good example it had been of an EF and how it can make a person feel so small and upset - and yet if I'd told someone who didn't understand C-PTSD - they would think 'What is wrong with her?'.

Anyway, that's a long-winded explanation of what happened, and it is just a small example of the wave of EF's I've had this week - it does make me wonder how I ever managed to hold down a job for so many years.  But I did...! 

Journal Entry for 9th January 2018
I realise that part of the reason I've been having more frequent EF's this week is that I've been doing some things that are more 'assertive' - I've stood up for myself a few times, nothing really big, just little things, and I guess it's made me feel a bit vulnerable.  Also, I was affected by reading the book on CSA - mainly because it evoked some thoughts that I hadn't considered before - and I guess I'm assimilating those things.  I am glad I read it.  It was very thought-provoking.  Also validating, but at the same time raised some questions in my mind.  The only thing is that I feel too over-whelmed by it to be able to think about how to talk it through with anyone - so I'll let it stay in my mind for a bit - and see what I want to do with it.

Hope 

[Hope67]

Just popping in later on 9th January 2018 to say that I feel quite good about the day - and how it went.  I wrote myself a list of things 'to do' and I gradually worked my way through them, and ticked them off, and it felt very satisfying.  I am trying to get a 'mix' in my lists - where I ensure I do things that are more mundane and necessary, but also some things that are nurturing of my self - and I hope to include some creative things too - to ensure I expand on that side of myself, as I feel it was very much curtailed in the past. 

Hope 

[Blueberry]

What ended up happening yesterday was that I tried to 'quote' your post in my reply in the other thread, and because I didn't do it right, I ended up thrown into an EF - whereby my inner critic had a bit of a 'dance' and told me I was just 'useless' - then I felt upset and teary - and then I thought 'How ridiculous that you can't do a tiny thing' (which again was my inner critic having a go at me). 

When I tried to write about it in my Journal, I ended up thinking 'How ridiculous is this?' - which again is an inner critic type of thought

Dear Hope 

I'm sorry all that went on with your ICr.! You've mentioned before that you see similarities between us. This is another example of those. My ICr. comes up with all those accusations, word-for-word. I also have trouble with fairly minor seeming tasks, e.g. on the computer, or my bike. I let all the air out of the tires while pumping up  so I just always take it to the bike shop now and let the owner do it while I throw a coin or two in his piggy bank. That way I don't feel 'useless', don't end up in an EF again or feel back to the last bike tire episode EF  Don't want to feel that again.

so I got on with some other things - cooking my meal - and thankfully I felt better about things, as I thought what a good example it had been of an EF and how it can make a person feel so small and upset -

Yay    for getting on with other things and then feeling better! And for being able to distance yourself from it enough in order to see it as a good example of an EF!

[Sceal]

I am sorry to hear of your EF's. They are truly awful when they happen!
But I also think it's a good step forward making to-do lists! i also find it incredible satisfying to scratch a task out when it's done!

[DecimalRocket]

That's great to hear Hope.  Accomplishments are great little confidence boosters, and to be able to have something like that even with the little things is a sign of something good.
Sorry about the EFs with assertiveness. I get those these days too.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry, Sceal and Decimal Rocket - thank you all for your comments and replies and I appreciate them all.  Thank you!   

Journal entry for 13th January 2018

I am currently reading a book called 'Reparenting the Child Who Hurts: A Guide to Healing Developmental Trauma and Attachments" and it's been interesting - I've been writing a few notes in the 'Books' section of the forum, and I've written out parts that resonate with me.  I feel I'm learning from it, and also relating to it.

I've also been using a diary to include diagrams of different stages in my life - i.e. split into 0-2 years, 2-5 years, and similarly throughout my whole life - and then putting events/memories/thoughts/links etc in bubbles next to the right section - and that's been really helpful in looking at 'when things happened' - and also helping me to recall more events and also make new links between things too.  I'm building a more coherent 'picture' - and also filling in details that my sister told me about in her communications over the last couple of years - which I know are her memories - but they are pertinent and relevant to my own time-line, as it really helps me understand what was going on - and it's information that was kept from me - as noone talked to me about what was going on, I was left 'in my own little world' to try to negotiate my way - and I'd have loved someone to take my hand and help guide me through it - but I held my own hand, and made my own way.

Strangely, I have experience 'more' this weekend - i.e. I seem to be 'feeling temperature' when normally I don't - I feel colder, need to wrap up warm etc - normally I 'don't feel' that temperature.  Not sure why that is. 

I had a horrible night a couple of night's ago - felt so despondent and hopeless - the night was dragging on and I wasn't sleeping.  Nihilistic thoughts - about the point of life etc, and I was so glad when the morning came and I felt more 'normal' again - because I don't like that sense of hopelessness. 

I have a lot of positive things in my life - I want to enjoy them, and to feel happy - and I am hoping to focus on gaining more positivity as time goes on. 

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

That's an interesting book, Hope. Thank you for the mention.

Filling in diagrams like this remind me of what every person seems to parrot when they're asked why history needs to be studied. To learn from humanity's mistakes. To learn what the future's course would be like. To understand the teachings of the past. But I remember an insight by an author whose name I can't recall . . . That you can never learn everything from the past to deal with the future, because the world is always changing. We learn from the past, so maybe we could understand what kind of possibilities could open up someday.

I'm glad you're experiencing "more". It seems you're dissociating much less, and you manage to have some hope even through your pain. I bet you chose that username for a reason, Hope.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket,
Thanks so much for your comments, and hope you're ok.   

Journal Entry for 21st January 2018
So happy to be able to get back into this forum again - after it was down for a few days - it was really horrible not to be able to pop in here, didn't realise how attached I am to it, and everyone here, but I am, and I am happy to be back again.

Just wanted to express my relief at being able to get back here.

Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

Hi Hope. Well, it's not perfect, but I'm doing better these days.

Yes, we sure have gotten attached to each other, huh? Not being able to go here has made me gloomy. Well, I'm glad to see you again, Hope.   

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope, sounds like you're making some very personal inroads into your past experiences.  i give you a lot of credit for delving in, sitting with what you're feeling, and allowing the knowledge that some of these things can be overwhelming, some are thought provoking, some bring up questions.  it's kind of like life itself.

big warm loving hug to you, hope.  i see you moving forward in a strong way.

[Hope67]

Hi Decimal Rocket, - Yes, I missed you too    - and I was also gloomy whilst not being able to get back here.  Glad we can access it ok again now - a peaceful haven to come to.

Hi SanMagic - Thanks for your kind words - I really appreciate what you said - and thanks also for the big warm loving hug -  to you as well.

Journal Entry for 23rd January 2018

Just knowing I can get back here to write things when I want to - it feels great - but somehow I've not been 'able' to write much - as it's that usual thing of 'not knowing where to start' - and I guess the server being down for a while meant I felt a bit 'at sea' - and it's hard to get 'back' - I don't know if that makes sense, but I'm just saying it as I 'feel it'.

Anyway, I'm just going to take it a step at a time, and write as and when I want to - and I guess that before long I'll be writing more often again - and gaining greater insights for doing so.  That is how I found it - previously in this forum, and how I anticipate it will be going forward.

Hope to write more later in the week but for today - that's all I can think of to say!   

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

you said plenty, hope.  it all counts.  your time, your space, your place.  it will come as you are ready.  not to worry, you've been finding your voice more strongly as time has gone on, and it will come back when it's time.  meanwhile, loving hug to you - we're still with you no matter what.