Hope66's Journal

[Hope66]

Blueberry - thank you.  I agree with you that shame and connected emotions should definitely lie with the abuser.  Thanks for your support.   
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

It's really a relief to let go of blame towards yourself, right? That's progress.

Take care, Hope.

[Hope66]

Hi Decimal Rocket - Yes, I agree with you, and thank you so much for your lovely comment.  I appreciate it.   

Journal entry for 2nd December 2017

A bit of a mixed few days - but overall I think I'm feeling 'stronger' - and that is a good feeling.  I feel like I'm better able to identify my triggers for EFs now - and I am more aware of them, and thankfully they don't seem to 'last too long' - I'm able to move on and 'cope better' - I think part of that is that I'm allowing myself to 'feel more' and experience whatever emotion is there - rather than dissociating from it.  I think I am more 'present' in day to day events - taking more details in when I watch TV or read.

I'm reading another book - this one is called 'Positivity' and it's by Barbara Fredrickson, and it is 'Groundbreaking Research to Release your Inner Optimist and Thrive' - and so far it's a readable and pleasant book - and I'm enjoying it.  It makes sense, and I am finding that it's helping me to appreciate more things around me.  I think it blends well with Mindfulness kind of concepts and being more 'in the moment' - appreciating colours and textures and whatever happens to be there in the here and now.  Much better than my previous inability to stop myself from ruminating about the past - I was doing that almost constantly at one time, and probably over the course of a couple of years - it was at its height and drained me so much.  So it's good to see the difference, and to 'feel it' as well.

I find that writing about my CSA in the other part of the forum has been so helpful - because when I write it there, I 'air it' 'process it' to some degree, and then 'leave it there' - and the replies I've had from people in this forum have been so validating and made me feel supported and understood.  You really 'get it' and I value that so much.

I'm trying not to put pressure on myself to rush into any particular area - i.e. I'm trying to pace myself and begin to think about what I would 'like to do' rather than what I feel I 'should' be doing or 'ought to be doing' - because I acknowledge that some of those messages are likely to come from my FOO, and not from my heart.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

A bit of a mixed few days - but overall I think I'm feeling 'stronger' - and that is a good feeling.  I feel like I'm better able to identify my triggers for EFs now - and I am more aware of them, and thankfully they don't seem to 'last too long' - I'm able to move on and 'cope better' - I think part of that is that I'm allowing myself to 'feel more' and experience whatever emotion is there - rather than dissociating from it.  I think I am more 'present' in day to day events - taking more details in when I watch TV or read.

That sounds really good! I understand that you're staying more in the moment and because of that you're making progress. 

I'm trying not to put pressure on myself to rush into any particular area - i.e. I'm trying to pace myself and begin to think about what I would 'like to do' rather than what I feel I 'should' be doing or 'ought to be doing' - because I acknowledge that some of those messages are likely to come from my FOO, and not from my heart.

here too, for being on the way to finding your own wishes instead of FOO's.

[Hope66]

Thank you Blueberry - your support means a lot.   

[Hope66]

Journal Entry for 5th December 2017

I feel a bit over-whelmed, but probably more to do with the fact that there is too much to do - and I am struggling with doing things...!  But I am managing to accomplish something each day, and gradually ticking things off a list I've made.   

I've been having panicky thoughts relating to my FOO, and I have also been thinking about the fact that I can't remember quite a bit of my childhood between the ages of 12 and 17 years - and the bits I can remember make me think that something traumatic has gone on during those years - I know that earlier in my life, things weren't 'right' either - but I guess as I try to process my time line of life, I am realising that there are parts that are very cloudy indeed, and I can't see what was going on. 

I am also thinking again about what to do regarding my sister, and the fact Christmas is nearly here - and whether or not I want to contact her again or not.  She has made no attempts to contact me, and I've not contacted her.  So it's a stalemate - pretty much exactly like last year - this happened then as well. 

I sometimes wonder whether I should pay for a few sessions with my therapist that I saw previously, just to talk through the issues, but when I think about doing that, I remember that when I saw her previously, I got the impression that she didn't think it was a good idea to even make contact with my sister.  Almost as if her view was 'Why would you want to take on that extra 'can of worms' - I know she didn't actually say that, this is what I 'think' she meant, by things she said.

My partner's view is that my entire FOO are 'trouble' - I can understand his perspective - I believe that too, but at the same time, I don't 'blame' any one of them - I think that our traumas are 'generational' - stemming from past trauma through the generations, and so each and every one of us was damaged and affected and we are all just doing our best in the circumstances to survive and build our lives.

Anyway, I am sure I will be coming here to try to sort out my thoughts and my feelings and find a way through them, and 'decide' what to do - I know there's no 'right' or 'wrong' way - I can only choose the way that I think is best at the time, and see what happens...

Hope 

[Hope66]

Needed to come back to say, that as I re-read what I wrote here just now, a big part of me spoke out and said "But you DO blame them"  'They shouldn't have done some of the things, indeed, MANY of the things they did to you.  You DO feel ANGRY about that.  Don't be passive and sit back and say you're not bothered, because you ARE bothered."
Interesting to think of the thoughts that came to mind - like I wasn't being 'authentic' and 'true' to myself...
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

hope, that splurge of honesty was wondrous to behold.  i feel exactly the same.  i know that a lot of the people who have hurt me were also hurt in their pasts.  but, doggone it, so was i and i haven't treated people like i've been treated.  there are choices to be made, and they made theirs.  they didn't have to be mean and hurtful to us, but they chose to.

i know this because my narc ex and daughter were given so many chances during years and years of therapy to make different choices.  maybe my parents didn't have this option, didn't know better, etc., but many of my tormentors were educated, knowledgeable about therapy (including my narc therapist) and chose to continue what they were doing to me.

so, yes, i have put blame even while understanding about their histories.  how many people here have spoken to feeling sorry for what they may have done to others?  that's why they're here - they want to make changes so they don't do the same thing in the future. 

the people who hurt us haven't taken advantage of acknowledging what they've done to us.  they can carry the blame instead of me.  or you.  or any of us here.

warm, loving hug to you, hope.  you're beautiful, too.

[Blueberry]

hope, that splurge of honesty was wondrous to behold.  i feel exactly the same.  i know that a lot of the people who have hurt me were also hurt in their pasts.  but, doggone it, so was i and i haven't treated people like i've been treated.  there are choices to be made, and they made theirs.  they didn't have to be mean and hurtful to us, but they chose to.

In my case, members of FOO were mean and hurtful not that long ago at all. They chose that and would choose it again. I know you're NC, Hope, but there's a reason for that. Once you commented to me that my FOO has a lot to answer for. It sounds as if yours does too.

Hope, I can feel the strength in your post when you express this anger. 

[DecimalRocket]

It's really something to realize your anger. Emotions like these are necesarry to protect ourselves, and to fight back.

It's really something to try to break the cycle of generational hatred and stress. It's a cycle that reinforces itself over and over. The more hatred and cruelty there is, the more it will spread throughout time and places if nothing is done.

By finding what you personally value — your authenticity — then you're allowing yourself and others who you cross in your life through your words and actions a way out of this cycle. Success in something is often exponential — it doubles, triples and quadruples over time and to continue this is some amazing stuff.

Oops. Sorry if it's too long — I've been obsessed with studying feedback loops and cycles recently and I'm finding these everywhere.

[Hope66]

Hi SanMagic - thank you so much for your lovely reply - and I particularly related to you saying "the people who hurt us haven't taken advantage of acknowledging what they've done to us"  - I think that is definitely true - my FOO haven't taken responsibility at all.  It's like they don't think there's a problem.  Maybe their view is 'out of sight, out of mind' - I don't know...  Anyway, I thank you for your kind words, and ever lovely support. 

Hi Blueberry - I agree with you - for us both, our FOO have "a lot to answer for" - and it is horrible that your FOO have been mean and hurtful to you - not that long ago - mine have too - although I am NC, they have tried to contact me now and again, and each time, it demonstrates how much they don't consider my thoughts or feelings, and only consider their own.  Narcissistic in the extreme - that's what I think.  Thank you for noticing the strength in my words - I do feel stronger - it's a good feeling - it doesn't always remain, but the fact it is there - it is welcome.  I wish you continued strength too - I always watch out for your posts and replies, and I relate so much to things you say and also to many of your experiences too.  Stay strong Blueberry - 

Hi DecimalRocket - Thank you so much for your reply, and I love it's length - it is just perfect!  You mentioned many things that I related to in your reply - and I love the fact that 'Authenticity' can be the way out of the cycle of hatred and stress - and I like how you described success in terms of being exponential and appreciating the power and nature of the feedback loops - I'm reading a book about research on Positivity at the moment, and that is literally giving me some 'Hope' about going forward and changing my life experiences to enjoy more positive times in my life.

Finally - today I want to thank Wife2 again - because she replied to my post about 'Disclosing some of my CSA' - with her Big Mama-Bear - and that was such a wonderful image, and was SO validating to me - I can't even put into words how that made me feel - it is incredibly powerful, emotional (in a good way) and has really helped me move forward - thank you!

Hope 

[Hope66]

Journal Entry 11th December 2017

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment - I can't work out if I'm in a long EF, or just 'over-whelmed' - it's really hard to think about my emotions and feelings right now.  So I just wanted to come here and write about it for a moment - and then maybe it will help me to separate what's going on, and help me make sense of it.

So - breaking it down - I guess these are some components - in no particular order:
a) Feeling as if I'm running out of time - too much to do and in too little time - just trying to get ready for Christmas and all the things related to that
b) Not knowing what I want to do about my sister - whether to send a card or not - to both her and to my nephew (her son) - yet we've fallen out again - so I am currently NC with her - but I still feel 'bad' about not being able to establish a relationship - but it wasn't easy, and it isn't easy.
c) Feeling as if I sometimes haven't got a meaningful 'role' anymore - now that I'm not working anymore.  But I do have some aspirations and I think I could 'make some money' doing some of those things - I just need to develop a plan and 'do it'.  But I lack confidence at the moment.  I lack direction too.
d) Still learning about 'what I like' 'what I want' 'what I need' - which is hard when I've usually thought of other people's wants/needs/likes.
e) Remembering how powerful the concept of 'Big Mama Bear' is - thank you Wife2 - that is incredible.
f) Various aches and pains surfacing - not sure why - maybe unresolved 'stuff' I need to deal with.  The Body keeping the score - I don't like it.

I think I need to 'relax' - to try to focus on some peace and tranquility - maybe just 'take a step back' and see if I can relax - I'll try that.

I'd like to be more 'present' in the forum here, but I've just not felt able to 'stop' and 'reflect' - and I've felt overwhelmed by my thoughts and my feelings - and yet I don't know how I am thinking or feeling.



Oh well - I am glad I came here - just writing about it does help.

Hope   

[Hope66]

Journal Entry for 12th December 2017

I am feeling better today than I was yesterday - I am so relieved because it took a few days - and I know that part of it was the fact I am on my 'time of the month' and that also affects me.  I found it hard to know what was going on in my mind - I felt more anxious - less in control - and probably quite 'grumpy' - as I felt various aches and pains in my body. 

But I feel better today - and my mind is less 'cluttered' - and I don't feel that horrible sense of being 'overwhelmed' anymore.  At least not at this moment!  That is nice.

I was really taken aback that I got a Christmas card today, and the person asked me what my news had been for the past year - I had sent them an E-mail telling them about my estrangement from my FOO and the fact I'd reconnected with my sister - although I had fallen out with her - not being able to maintain a relationship that was already fragmented and broken (not by any fault of our own, just be circumstances) - and yet this person asked me what my news was...

I felt a bit incredulous, and I wrote to check they'd got my E-mail safely - and they replied that yes, they got it safely, but it was sent at the end of last year, and they wondered if 2017 had been an eventful year for me?!

This made me realise that in 'my mind' this whole thing is so 'important' - so 'relevant' and yet to someone else, it's like they don't really even see it as an issue.  I know I carry immense feelings of what I call 'toxic shame' around with me - like it's a heavy skirt and I try to walk along - whilst feeling tied up with the weight of that wet and heavy skirt.  I have an image of a Victorian Lady in my mind as I think about this - and it strikes me as 'bizarre' that that image came to mind! 

Anyway, it had taken me a long time to share my news with some of my friends - and that person is someone who knew me from many years ago, but whom is a long-distance friend - i.e. someone I only write to at Christmas, but he did meet my FOO at the time I knew him - so I assumed he'd be shocked and offer some kind of reaction to my news, rather than seemingly 'forget about it' - and then ask me if I've had an eventful year.

Again, I am annoyed at myself here - because I realise I am thinking that my life is important to others - and really - we're all struggling to get through the year in some way, and probably have various worries and concerns of our own, making it difficult to empathise and react to the news of other people.

I actually realise I feel a bit annoyed with my friend - that's what I feel - as if I think - If it was the other way around, I would have replied immediately and validated your experience, so why didn't you even acknowledge my news...

I talked to my partner last night about my worries about whether or not to send my sister a card for Christmas - bearing in mind we've 'fallen out' since mid November.  He didn't hide the fact that he thinks it's a bad idea.  He said we have 'nothing in common' - and she's 'trouble' - and you know, I think he is right - but there is part of me that feels like I should try to reach out to her again - but I also think it's a bad idea. 

She is linked to me on Facebook, and she sent me something on Messenger which was a 'chain snowball fight' - that was her only communication to me since we fell out this November - it made me think that she was a 'naughty school-girl' 'picking a fight for fun' - rather than a woman in her late 50's - it made me wonder if she's just a child at heart - and that made me sad that we weren't able to develop a childhood relationship - and yet it also made me think, how insensitive to do that, when she knows that her last communication to me via E-mail was quite vitriolic and defensive.  But she was responding in a 'fight' kind of way at the time, rather than my usual reaction to triggering events, which would more likely be 'freeze' or 'fawn'.

But I don't feel strong enough mentally to handle a relationship with her - that's the truth of it.  I feel like I need to protect myself, and my life, and my relationship with my partner, and that's all I can handle. 

I feel very tearful now - and I wonder what has brought those tears to the fore.  But I feel very emotional right now. 

I remember that I couldn't even say the word 'sister' or talk about my sister without crying - it was soooooo emotional to even process the fact I had a sister - because I'd been denied her presence, and NOT allowed to talk about her.

I had been excited when I finally found her, and excited to make contact, and I really worked hard to hear her experiences and validate her experience, and felt she validated mine.  But I felt that she didn't understand my perspective really - I felt like she judged me - I felt like she didn't understand me, and I felt like she wanted me to believe some really weird stuff that she is into - Cult-like stuff - I am open-minded, but not that open-minded.  I did try to listen and be non-judgemental, but I couldn't manage it.  I wanted to be authentic to my own thoughts and feelings and beliefs too.

Anyway, I wasn't expecting to end up writing so much here, and if you're reading, then thank you.   Just having this space to come and talk - it's so valuable.

I do feel better than I did - and I think it's good that I'm talking about my feelings and airing them.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

I talked to my partner last night about my worries about whether or not to send my sister a card for Christmas - bearing in mind we've 'fallen out' since mid November.  He didn't hide the fact that he thinks it's a bad idea.  He said we have 'nothing in common' - and she's 'trouble' - and you know, I think he is right - but there is part of me that feels like I should try to reach out to her again - but I also think it's a bad idea. 

You know what strikes me here? Christmas is a time we reach out  but IME we with CPTSD have our own timetable for dealing with things and rushing to do something just because that's what everybody else does at that time is not necessarily appropriate.  We get to slow down now and do things how and when it feels right for us.

I had my own saying for a good while: "If the answer  isn't definitely 'Yes', then the answer is 'No'."  If the answer is (still) no, then, well, Christmas comes again, every year. I'm not sending any FOO Xmas cards this year either.

But I don't feel strong enough mentally to handle a relationship with her - that's the truth of it.  I feel like I need to protect myself, and my life, and my relationship with my partner, and that's all I can handle. 

Yay  you can feel what you need! Self and FOC take precedence over FOO in your feelings! Sounds like progress to me.

I actually realise I feel a bit annoyed with my friend - that's what I feel - as if I think - If it was the other way around, I would have replied immediately and validated your experience, so why didn't you even acknowledge my news...

Feeling annoyed is OK. We're allowed to feel annoyed. I probably would too in a similar situation.

I do feel better than I did

I think it's good that I'm talking about my feelings and airing them.

you betcha!

[Three Roses]