Hope66's Journal

[Hope66]

Hi Three Roses - thanks for the reminder that essentially I don't know my sister, and I am being necessarily cautious - I think it's good to be wary.  Good luck to you with getting in tune with your feelings too - I am finding it an interesting process - challenging at times, but I think I'm gradually making progress.  I hope you are finding it a good process too.  I know you're in the Healing Porch today - swinging on the hammock and enjoying lovely scented flowers, so I am sure that will be a great experience!   

Hi AphoticAtramentous - thanks for the good wishes about the drawing on the weekend - I am looking forward to it, providing I actually do some - sometimes I have the best of intentions, and then don't manage to do what I am aiming/hoping to do.  But I really do hope to do it, and feel sure it will be enjoyable if I do.  I can see that you're also trying to be more mindful of your body's feelings - so I hope you are finding that ok - I have had some thoughts about it that have come to me today - and I will be doing a separate post about it in another part of the forum, as I want to see what people think.

My journal entry for today (13th October 2017)
Feeling a bit more 'in control' or 'with some direction in mind' - in that I am happy that the weekend is here and that I have some time to focus on things.  I feel like I need it.  I also want to do something creative - as already planning to do some drawing - not sure what to draw yet! 

I've finished reading the Peter Levine book - I would conclude that it wasn't as useful to me as other books have been, probably because he talks more about PTSD rather than 'C-PTSD' - and I relate more to the latter than the former - but I did find it a useful thing to read the book, and using the 'felt sense' exercise is useful - although I've only done it once so far...  But in different tasks, I am trying to be more mindful of my feelings and trying to ensure I stay within my body, rather than dissociate off.

Hope 

[Hope66]

Journal Entry 14th October 2017

I've just written a 'Letter to my sister' (not to send) in the Letters of Recovery section of the forum.  It felt good to write it, and get my feelings and thoughts out - and I can review how I feel about it all at a later stage.  So it was a good process, and I'm glad I did it.

I've been so pleased with the fact that I managed to write more in other parts of the forum too - because it feels like I'm 'getting somewhere' each and every time I venture out and 'face something' - which is how it feels to write something in the other parts.

It's the weekend, and I have quite a lot of things I need to do in the home, but I am also keen to try to do some drawing, as that will be something creative, and I would like to get in touch with that side of myself - as I feel it's been stifled and shut down in the past.  So I am going to try to do half an hour of drawing, and see what happens.

That's the plan.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

Yay, for progress!  good job, you

[Sceal]

Glad to hear that writing that letter made you feel better. And every step of progress is important!

Hope you get around to do your drawing!

[sanmagic7]

i also applaud your bravery in venturing out to other parts of the forum, hope.  as long as it's moving something which is a positive for you, i think it's a very good thing.   progress, absolutely.   

may i encourage you to keep up the good work you're doing for yourself.  getting in touch with your creative side is wonderful to hear.  i've been doing more of that myself, lately, and it really does feel good.  big hug to you, sweetie.

[Hope66]

Lovely to read your replies, Three Roses, Sceal and Sanmagic.    to you all.   

Journal entry for 20th October 2017

This week was tougher for me – I have been concentrating on being 'more in the moment' 'mindful' and processing emotions and paying attention to them, but the result of that ended up being more over-whelming than I anticipated...  I ended up suffering from some strong EF's (emotional flashbacks), and was especially shocked by an incident  in a supermarket whilst shopping – and the result of the second one was that I nearly broke down in tears infront of a sales assistant who had initially made me feel very ashamed and upset, and who subsequently was trying to help me.  I just wanted her to leave me alone, as I didn't want to end up sobbing infront of her, and I attempted to tell her that her initial treatment of me (shouting at me across the shop floor) had made me feel bad – i.e. I muttered something like "I found it upsetting how you spoke to me" – interesting that she didn't really reply to that – maybe she didn't hear me.  But just the act of trying to be assertive and tell her how she'd made me feel, felt incredibly hard and upsetting - like I couldn't stand up for myself.  I realise after the event, and also during it, that I was reacting completely out of proportion to the actual situation, but that realisation didn't help me at the time at all.

Anyway, the thing that shocked me was how small, fragile and upset I felt – and that feeling stayed with me for most of the day, and some time after as well – I've not had that experience in a shop before – and it made me think that maybe things were getting worse for me – but when I think about it a few days later, now that I'm feeling better again, I think that I was just more fragile, and I'm putting it behind me.

I think it can be really draining to focus on processing something – and I've been reading in different places how it can sometimes be good to just allow things to come to mind, rather than go around 'seeking them out' – and that the brain and sub-conscious mind will hopefully allow things to be processed as and when I am ready for them.

I've noticed that if I try to 'dig around' that I end up with pain in my forehead, near my left eye – and that seems like a warning sign to me to 'back off' – so I am going to heed that, and see what happens –taking this coming week hopefully at a more relaxed pace.

I didn't get to do any drawing (my hope to do something creative) last weekend – so that is hopefully going to be something I can do this weekend – I'm going to try to do just half an hour of drawing, and see what happens.  Being creative is a sore point for me, as I feel that my childhood experiences have stifled and halted my creativity – and I've never really pursued it to any degree since.  I would like to though, and I think it would be good for me – I know I do enjoy it when I have drawn or painted something.  So I really want to do that at some level. 

Pete Walker's book has arrived, and so I've started to read it – and I am enjoying it so far.  It's really helpful to learn more about his own personal journey through his life and experiences. 

How am I feeling right now?  A bit flat to be honest, but pleased that I'm feeling better than I was earlier in the week.  I'm glad it's the weekend. 

Good to have written something in my journal again today – I'd hoped to write daily, but I didn't manage that – so I'm going to hope to write as and when I want to – and feel able to.  That's ok.  ☺

Hope ☺

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

yes, it definitely is ok.  your recovery, your pace, your space.  i'm so glad you're going to heed that pain above your eye telling you it's time to stop.  yes, listening to our bodies is definitely a good thing, to my mind.

your experience in the shop of feeling small and fragile struck a chord with me.  it's how i felt w/ my t at our last session.  it was also a brand new experience for me.  what came to my mind was that it was my little me, out in full force, feeling threatened, that the experience was a trigger back to childhood in a very real manner.

don't know if that's how you felt it, but reading your version hit me full on and i totally related.  i was able to trace it back to the original threatening feeling as a little girl.  it caused a very positive shift in me when i did that.  you may not be ready for that, and i'm not suggesting you do the same as i.  just letting you know i could totally relate to your experience.  we're not alone in this at all.

here's to staying as present as possible when we're able.  thanks for sharing.  sending you a big hug full of warmth and love.

[Hope66]

Hi Sanmagic,
Your reply is very 'spot-on' in terms of how much the 'small fragile' feeling felt like a younger version of me - just as you connected with the younger fragile young girl - I do understand and I did feel that - thank you so much for making that connection and empathising so much - it is so validating.     I also found that I was connecting in my sleep - because it was hard to sleep due to the Storms in the UK at the moment (we have Storm Brian), and I was a bit anxious at times, and yet when I felt that intensity of emotion (the acute anxiety) - it reminded me of feeling that strength of emotion as a small child - and this is a realisation that previously I must have 'blocked' out - because at some levels I had felt 'numb' and as if my childhood was 'glossy' - if that makes sense.  Like having 'no realisation of the truth of the matter' - which is that essentially my childhood wasn't a happy time - but was filled with tension and 'walking on egg-shells' - and 'fear'.  Excess levels of control from my narcissistic M and my enabling F - and ***trigger warnings here - a history of CSA.

I have read the book 'Re-claiming your Inner Child' by Penny Parks, and have thought about the younger me - and I think that steadily I'm beginning to connect with her - with little Hope. 

Yes, I think I connected that day in the supermarket - because the tone of the shop assistant (which triggered me into feeling chastised, put in my place, and also frightened and like I wanted to run away from her) - that wasn't related to the actual event at all, it was triggering an emotional flashback (EF) and I felt Little Hope's fear and fragility.

Sanmagic, thanks for your reply, because when I came into the Journal today - I wasn't sure what I was going to say, and already you've helped me to say quite a bit, and it all feels very relevant and helpful to keep account of.

Journal entry for 22nd October 2017
It's the weekend again, and I wonder where the week has gone.  Some of it feels like a 'blur' - but it's been a good mixture of achieving some things, and procrastinating on others - the balance of which - I'm satisfied with.  I feel better in myself today (Sunday) - and I feel brighter in mood - which is a contrast to earlier in the week, when I felt a bit hopeless and frightened and fearful.  I much prefer my current emotion.

I don't know what else to say now, so I'll end there for today. 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

it's good to know we're not alone, we're not making these feelings up, and that there is a reality behind them that we simply hadn't been in touch with before.  thanks for sharing, hope.   big hug to you.

[Hope66]

Big hug back to you Sanmagic 

Journal entry for 24th October 2017

A few thoughts that have come to mind - I've noticed that in the past few days that I've become more aware of past incidences when I have dissociated - i.e. the memories behind those periods of dissociation are re-surfacing, or just coming back into my consciousness - and it makes me realise just how prevalent dissociation has been in my life - and as I begin to allow the memories to enter my consciousness - I am amazed that I have shut myself off and shut myself down to so many past experiences - both negative and sadly also the positive ones.  I feel some sense of loss for that experience, but I do recognise that it has been my mind's way to protect me and help me through life - and so I guess I am grateful to the body and mind's resourcefulness to do that.

Regarding work - I find it really difficult to open up about that area of my life - even in this very supportive forum, because I feel a sense of shame about it (which I realise is probably from my inner critics and therefore down to my FOO's expectations of what 'they' want for me, rather than what I want for myself - if that makes sense). Previously I had a reasonably well-paid and personally valued profession, which meant a lot to me, and now I am no longer doing that work, due to a combination of stress, estrangement, and other factors that were outside my control - and I am trying to adapt to the changes, after decades of doing that job, and focusing now on new projects - whilst budgeting and adapting  to manage on a much reduced financial income.   I will get a pension eventually and I think I can manage in the meantime - but I do need to make a success of some of my freelance projects - so I must focus!  I also do some voluntary work as well - which I am finding rewarding - although even that has been stressful and hard for me to cope with in recent years - depending on what is going on.

Anyway, I'm glad to have written something about how I'm feeling about work in this diary - as I had been avoiding it before, because whenever I thought about it, a voice in my head said things like 'You are a failure' - and I know that's not true - I need to give myself more credit than that - I worked hard, I survived in a difficult profession for longer than most, and now I'm 'free' to engage in other projects - which could be very exciting providing I can actually focus and get things done.

The other issue on my mind at the moment is in relation to my sister - because this time last year we fell out - due to her unusual beliefs that she was expressing strongly as Halloween approached - so I am anticipating another difficult time as Halloween approaches this year.  I've only been back in contact with her for a while, after many years of being apart from her, and essentially I don't 'know' her - I've not met up with her - she lives in another country, and neither of us has mentioned meeting up - although she passively aggressively seemed to attack me in an E-mail for having seen another friend and not having seen her for many years. 

One of my friends asked me if I want to see my sister - face to face - there is part of me that thinks that would be nice, but there is a much greater part of me that is very troubled by this prospect - that is scared to do that, and I am listening to that larger part of me at the moment, and keeping myself 'safe' from being hurt - I suspect that is the Little Hope part of me, that doesn't trust anyone - especially my big sister (8 years older than me) who didn't seem to look for me after we were separated, and who fought our FOO and escaped - it was like she thought I was ok - but I wasn't ok...!   I was trapped like a caged bird - and she was free.

Writing about this makes me realise I have so many unacknowledged feelings about this, or maybe I'm beginning to acknowledge them - and I need to work through them and process them, and maybe that will help me to rationalise things.

Anyway, how am I feeling today?  I feel ok.  I've been feeling more anxiety generally - and my heart was racing a lot yesterday - or felt as if it was, and so I am trying to actively 'relax' and breathe and focus on calming myself.  I have a project I'm going to focus on today - so I will see how I get on with that.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hope, there are many things you write that resonate with me in some way. I've posted a lot about work and my problems with it under Employment mostly.

Regarding work - I find it really difficult to open up about that area of my life - even in this very supportive forum, because I feel a sense of shame about it (which I realise is probably from my inner critics and therefore down to my FOO's expectations of what 'they' want for me, rather than what I want for myself - if that makes sense). Previously I had a reasonably well-paid and personally valued profession, which meant a lot to me, and now I am no longer doing that work, due to a combination of stress, estrangement, and other factors that were outside my control - and I am trying to adapt to the changes, after decades of doing that job, and focusing now on new projects - whilst budgeting and adapting  to manage on a much reduced financial income.   I will get a pension eventually and I think I can manage in the meantime - but I do need to make a success of some of my freelance projects - so I must focus!  I also do some voluntary work as well - which I am finding rewarding - although even that has been stressful and hard for me to cope with in recent years - depending on what is going on.

Anyway, I'm glad to have written something about how I'm feeling about work in this diary - as I had been avoiding it before, because whenever I thought about it, a voice in my head said things like 'You are a failure' - and I know that's not true - I need to give myself more credit than that - I worked hard, I survived in a difficult profession for longer than most, and now I'm 'free' to engage in other projects - which could be very exciting providing I can actually focus and get things done.

Yay you for being able to ignore the Inner Critics spouting about "failure", instead you are able to praise yourself for managing so long in your profession.  and then continue to work on freelance projects, like a few more of us here on the forum. 

One of my friends asked me if I want to see my sister - face to face - there is part of me that thinks that would be nice, but there is a much greater part of me that is very troubled by this prospect - that is scared to do that, and I am listening to that larger part of me at the moment, and keeping myself 'safe' from being hurt - I suspect that is the Little Hope part of me, that doesn't trust anyone - especially my big sister (8 years older than me) who didn't seem to look for me after we were separated, and who fought our FOO and escaped - it was like she thought I was ok - but I wasn't ok...!   I was trapped like a caged bird - and she was free.

Writing about this makes me realise I have so many unacknowledged feelings about this, or maybe I'm beginning to acknowledge them - and I need to work through them and process them, and maybe that will help me to rationalise things.

It sounds like you're making great progress here, by taking your feelings especially that fear seriously! 

[sanmagic7]

you know, hope,  i also have fear about meeting several people from my life who have hurt me.  one of them is my sister, the other is my daughter.  i see it as a rational fear, tho, one that is important for me to acknowledge, pay attention to, and above all, heed.

i don't think it's my little me that feels that fear, tho.  i believe it is the adult me.  those two especially have been mean, nasty, and hurtful to me in so many ways for so many years, i think it is a form of self-care to stay away from both.  i don't need to stand up to either of them, or to prove anything.  i simply don't want them and their ways in my life.  they're scary people.

just saying that i'm glad you're respecting that bigger part that's telling you it's not a good idea to meet up with your sis.   you've got enough on your plate without more drama, especially of the hurtful kind.

also wanted to acknowledge your strength and courage for writing about your work situation.  i don't see you as a failure at all.  i think careers, like anything else, work differently for everyone.  for some, one career can last a lifetime.  for others, it has its season and then it's time to move on.   just like relationships, to my mind.

thanks for sharing, hope.  sending you a warm, loving hug.

[Hope66]

Hi Blueberry & SanMagic,
Thank you both for your replies, I really got something positive about each reply - it meant a lot.  I always read things and then ponder on them for a while - to really take in the meaning and process it, and each of you helped me so much in what you said.

Journal entry for 25th October 2017
My sister seems to have upped the ante a bit with a recent E-mail where she has given me a link to a website that represents a lot of her 'very unusual views' and she even asked me to spend time reading the whole thing (4 pages) and then let her know what I think.  Weirdly this is a year since we fell out (close to Halloween) for the self-same kind of diversity about her unusual beliefs.  I did read the information, and I am now in a dilemma, because if I told her the truth of what I think, I would certainly upset her.  But I don't want to lie to her either.  I want to be honest and authentic about my thoughts and feelings, without upsetting her.  I think this is impossible to achieve!!! 
Anyway, I've decided to think about it for a few days, and then reply - because I know she will be celebrating on the weekend and Halloween - and I don't want my communication with her to dampen her enthusiasm for a time that means a lot to her.

The information she believes in - I find it difficult to understand how anyone can believe in it - I think the people writing the information are preying on vulnerable people and making money from getting them to believe such things.  I think it's like exploitation - but I know that my sister respects and follows these people's doctrines - and not only that claims to be an International Leader in those spheres. 

If I'm honest with myself, I feel really quite amazed that she can believe these things - I think maybe she is in a cult of sorts - I also worry about her.  But then I also think - well she just has different beliefs to me - and in life, people like different things and follow different principles etc - but honestly, when I told a couple of friends about the information she shared with me, they really thought she is deluded and they said they would be concerned about anyone who buys into that kind of information.

I hope I don't offend anyone who is reading this, I am just 'getting it out' - and sharing it here because it's the prominent issue I feel I'm focusing on at the moment. 

I wondered if maybe she sent me the link to be antagonistic - i.e. as if she's looking to spark another disagreement - and the fact we fell out last year - around the same time, maybe her feelings surface more at this time of year and she wants to push me into following her lead - and she wants me to 'see the light' and join in with her way of thinking.  But I couldn't be further apart from that way of thinking, as I believe in more critical thinking and looking for evidence. 

I'm going to try to keep a level head, and not 'bite' - or respond too quickly - I will think about it more, and hopefully I will make an appropriate reply - after some considered thought.  But I hope I can remain authentic to my own thoughts and feelings about it.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Just wanted to know I read your entry here too. I think I've posted before about your sister and her beliefs, and possibly about the weird cult I ended up in which was partially about making a profit off vulnerable people, which I was in those days.

I think it's strange she's asking what you think. I had the impression she knows you don't see eye to eye with her on this stuff.

I think it's good you're taking time to find how to bridge the gap of staying true to you and not upsetting her.

[Sceal]

I think it's smart to take a few days figuring out what to say.
It might be possible to be more diplomatic about how you feel without insulting her. Like saying it's very different from the things you've learned about for example.