Terrified about what will happen to me now

[Sienna]

I just need to speak of this as I'm freaking out. I hope thats ok.
Im in a refuge due to domestic violence by my X who I'm pretty sure is a narcissist or has high narc traits. I am here whilst i find my own place to live, only money has been an issue and i am on the case with that, its just taken so long- not from me but from the people who are helping me sort it out.

I was told tonight by my key worker that  i have 2 months to move out of the refuge- so i have until February as its now December.
I don't want to move back home, away from volunteer work and the kind people i do know and most important to me- my therapist.
When she left, i was just in floods of tears.

I told the key worker lady that I'm in therapy- as she needed to know if i had any extra support.
She knows that its to do with my past and with my parents. thats all i told her.
Yet she is still suggesting i live with my dad, cant understand why i might not go home to his for christmas etc etc.

The problems stated with my parents, so i don't want to go back there.
I was retraumatised last April and since then, i have had what my T thinks are flashbacks of things that happened to me as a child that I blocked out- mostly involving my dad.
I am afraid he isn't safe to be around, and since the retraumatisation , i cant be alone in a house with stairs and i cant sleep with the light off, i cant use the loo if know one else is in the house, I'm hypervigelant and terrified - my dad cant find out about this becasue he wont understand.
I would have to sleep down stairs when he is out in the evenings and that he would notice-
and he goes out with his partner (and works night shifts- not his fault)
despite me being home he is out with her so i would be alone.
And i now smoke and he would kill me if he knew. I need it at the moment to get by and i know i would smoke a lot living with him as its so difficult.
He also is physically inappropriate with me and drinks a lot. Im so mad that he let my mother abuse me and he is neglectful.
This is why I'm looking for a flat to live as i could choose one that i feel safest in- with out stairs.

I just don't want to be there, and I'm afraid my narc mother will know where i am if i go back there.
I don't know how i will start again in my home town which is so triggering.

I hope this fight - this difficult time in the refuge, after the break up with my X has not just been for nothing.
This is my worst fear and this is why, when the money issue was rejected, i stopped eating as i needed to get some form of control that at the moment, i do not have.

The lady said they will put me in a hotel if I'm not out by Feb, and then the council will put me anywhere as i would be declared completely homeless.
Im terrified of being victimised again sexually in a building / flat with men.
And I'm scared, frustrated and sad that i wont be able to go home to my own place after this hellish difficult journey that has recked my body and caused a lot of emotional pain.

Im terrified of what might happen to me and i have a huge urge to call my T, but i cant use her like that to offload to. I guess i just want someone to tell me that it will all be ok and to help me figure out what to do, because i don't know if i can do this on my own.
My parents are not supportive so I'm alone in the world, I'm sure you all understand that.
Maybe i can figure this out on my own, but i don't want to have to do any more hard work, i don't want to learn anything else from what happened. Ive tried to see the positives and the reasons that this happened. I just don't want to do anymore.
Im so tired and i will be devastated if i can't move into my own place.
Thanks for listening

[Dee]

Triggers**

This is what sucks the most.  I lost everything when the abuse was disclosed.  I never went back to my house and I only received a few things that the social worker got for me, predominately clothes in garbage bags.  Actually, it was only clothes.  Once I turned 18 I was totally on my own, no support.  I ended up joining the army after couch surfing.  I was so vulnerable and so scared to be homeless the recruiter took advantage. 

Can you draw any disability or unemployment?  I did have resources that I was unaware of at the time.  Now that I am older I know more.  I often wonder why no one even told me about what was available.  Has anyone educated you about what is available? 

[Sienna]

Dee, im so so sorry to hear of what you went through and how you struggled so much and was so terrified and that you were taken advantage of. You should not have had to go through that.
It breaks my heart.
Im just reading about homeless shelters- should it come to that, and it explained why most don't use the shelters.
I am absolutely terrified of being victimised sexually, (a pattern of mine) which is why I'm scared to be just anywhere the council put me. Im scared of drunk men who come into Starbucks and start talking to me in the evening!
The world is such a sad awful place.

I have a visual impairment and am unemployed. The key worker said that might help find suitable accommodation.

I am not sure what is available.
Thank you so much for your advice. I really appreciate you taking the time.   

[Sienna]

I gave a homeless guy some money on the street today.
I didnt have much, as i only had a 20 and need to eat. I feel awful that i am thinking of myself first, but it comes with guilt.
I told him i was sorry that i couldnt give him much at all, and he said to have a good night. I could hardly speak, so i smiled, but he might not have known that.
I didnt want him to think that i see him as less of a person because i didnt reply to his wishes that i have a good night, but i don't see him as less.

Ive always cared about world issues, and did animal campaigning for a while.
My own issues came up a lot and I thought that whilst i still care, maybe i was trying to fix others lives as it touched a nerve somewhere deep in my sole. But i was distracted with therapy and hard stuff with my now X so i gave it a break.
But now with this fear of being homeless, i just care so much. I nearly cried when i left this dude, and i feel bad too, that i worry that ill be taken advantage of or followed, or demanded that i give them money if i give anything out, as i know what people can be like and its scary.
I understand their desperation. So i also feel bad about that.

Yesterday after our staff / volunteer xmas meal, i didnt know how i felt. Just tired and miserable.
And such anger. Anger at my X.
Angry that its raining and i have wet feet walking about as i cant afford to buy a pair of shoes that are not battered, and annoyed that i lost my belt for my jeans and with the weight loss, i need it but don't have the money to get one.
Hopefully can with draw from the bank soon- my cards on the way, but i don't have enough money to live on. If things weren't so complicated with family, maybe i could ask them for someone money, but i just cant.

I miss the small things, such as making sausage rolls at christmas, having mulled wine, and burning scented candles.
Xmas is brining up rage at my X, as i wouldnt be in this position if it wasnt for him- and my parents.
Ah..im done now.

[sanmagic7]

sienna, i wish there was something i could do to help.  hopefully, that social worker will find someplace safe for you, at least for awhile, until you can get back on your feet.  in the meantime, know that you are special and will be taken care of.  it will be ok, you will deal with whatever comes along, and your strength will shine through for you.  big hug.

[Sienna]

Thanks so much Sanmagic for all of the lovely things you said, and for your reassurance that it will be ok. 

[Sienna]

This is good, and i just want to write.  I feel this need to tell someone - maybe to help me digest.
Saw key worker this evening and payed service charge.
She said about the hotel- (should it come to that if the appeal isn't sorted by then)-
that i wont be out on the street.
Your in a hotel, maybe a bus ride away from the city centre and you can be in the hotel for a week or for a few months- depending on how long it takes YOU to find a place.
Which is totally amazing!
I just hope i have the money by then to actually afford to rent a place of my own.
The council don't just stick you in a place that is unsafe.
She said its important that we are safe when we leave here, and to never think that we would end up on the streets.

She *did* say *its up to you what you do when you leave here* and *Can you not go back to your dads?*
Turns out - she forgot about that assessment we did in which i told her about the extra support i receive via therapy- and that it was for family issues.
So perhaps she isn't intentionally pushing the living with parent thing as she has forgotten what was said.
So thats good.

About the appeal- like my T, she advised me to go to this place for help, as the other people who are helping me with the appeal havent gotten back to me for ages- its a bit hit and miss, but this place can properly get in touch with the appeal people and let me know what is happening.
Key worker said i can receive support- someone to speak on my behalf when i go to the appeal=
and ages ago T suggested that because i messed up the assessment due to freezing, only i didnt go to that place for help as there was no news of an appeal for a long time.
Will go there tomorrow and see if they can help and need to go to local housing place to sort out getting bumped down the list on the housing website.

Key worker said she will email the people helping with the appeal (who I'm still waiting to hear off) and ask them whats going on on my behalf - as time is running out.

Ahhhh. Im so relieved. I guess its the same situation still- either go back to my dads or live on the streets (if i cant afford my own place when the appeal is done).
What was i thinking though?
If i do end up in a hotel if the appeal isn't done in two months after Xmas and i *dont* have the money for my own place- its either dads or the streets.
Why was i so worried i would be put by the council in an awful, unsafe place??

I know there was a lot of fear coming up about moving back to home town or trying to make it on my own with no money.
I just feel a little better that if i do have the money but cant go through the website for places that i want to, that i can at least choose my own place and not have someone decide for me-
although of course, if i have to go for the cheaper options, I'm afraid they wont be ok or safe.
I'm confused.

I guess I'm just glad that i have time to sort out the appeal still as the hotel- you can stay for as long as you need.

[Wife#2]

HUGS to you! I'm so glad that there is hope building at last. It would have relieved a lot of your fears to know this before now, but at least you DID find out now and that is something. 

[Sienna]

Absolutely. Thanks Wife2. I wish the homeless could have help too. Why isn't the government giving them money? Its so unfair its crazy.
I feel very lucky and just hope it all works out. 

[sanmagic7]

so glad to hear you have some relief with all this, sienna.  yay!  big hug.