triggered by covert N "mother"

mourningdove · December 04, 2016, 06:42:57 PM

I don't talk about this much, because I am ashamed of it and because thinking about how trapped I am is overwhelming, but (because of poverty and disability) I've been stuck for a long time in a situation in which i am around my covert N "mother" every day.

Just got massively triggered, because she hurt me and then blamed me for "choosing" to feel hurt! I don't even mean emotionally. I have neurological problems that make me hypersensitive to sound, and some sounds - like the collision of dense objects - just physically hurt me.

Well, she was making sounds like this in the other room, so I went and asked what she was doing (thinking that maybe I could help her do whatever it was in a quieter way). So she mocked me, reapeating in a nagging voice, "What are you doing?" I told her that she was hurting my head and then she said something that essentially BLAMED ME FOR "CHOOSING" TO BE IN PAIN.

It's like being hit in the head with a $%^& hammer, and she doesn't care that she is doing that to me. And how dare I ask that she stop it. And how dare I be hurt in in the first place.

But it's about more than just the pain, it's also about my entire childhood and early life. And now I'm trapped again around this monster.

mourningdove · December 04, 2016, 06:58:40 PM

It's ongoing. She has moved on to other noisy chores, with no concern for me at all. Every time there is loud banging, it not only hurts but also startles me.

edit: I had initially written this, but then erased it:

I don't matter. I don't matter. I don't matter. I don't matter. i don't matter. I don't matter.

radical · December 04, 2016, 07:23:54 PM

I can certainly relate to difficult, triggering, invalidating and provoking behaviours from 'mother dearest'.
Also to being trapped and powerless by disability, though thankfully never with my mother with no end in sight. I really feel for you.

Feeling like you don't matter does deserve to be heard, because I know that my feelings, my needs, who I am doesn't matter to my mother, as she insists on projecting onto me who she needs me to be in order to dump on me.

You do matter. Not mattering to our mothers is a wound that my never be able to be entirely healed, but please, as incredibly difficult as it is in your situation, try not to buy into it. You were always worth the best from your mother, and even though that is unlikely to ever happen, you are also worth the best from yourself, your best compassion and kindness.

I'm glad you have this outlet to talk about it. If we can be of support, please keep talking.

mourningdove · December 04, 2016, 08:08:06 PM

Oh radical, I've been reading your post over and over. Thank you so much. It really helps to be "heard" right now.

Quote from: radical on December 04, 2016, 07:23:54 PM
because I know that my feelings, my needs, who I am doesn't matter to my mother, as she insists on projecting onto me who she needs me to be in order to dump on me.

I'm sorry that you also know this.

mourningdove · December 04, 2016, 09:13:19 PM

The noise finally stopped and I began to calm down. Then she suddenly started banging chairs around for some reason. She then came in the room where I am and started complaining about her arthritis pain as if nothing had happened. Classic.

Oh wow, more noise as I'm writing this. I'm starting to think it is a deliberate attempt to hurt me as much as possible.

mourningdove · December 04, 2016, 09:36:22 PM

Quote from: radical on December 04, 2016, 07:23:54 PM
You do matter. Not mattering to our mothers is a wound that my never be able to be entirely healed, but please, as incredibly difficult as it is in your situation, try not to buy into it. You were always worth the best from your mother, and even though that is unlikely to ever happen, you are also worth the best from yourself, your best compassion and kindness.

It's hard to believe that I matter when I am around one of the people who taught me that I don't. But I'm better at it than I used to be. At least part of me gets angry now, instead of just collapsing. Still, I don't think I will ever stop being envious of all the people who were accepted and valued by their parents. I don't think I'll ever stop being envious of people who, when faced with stress and self-doubt, can have a thought of how their parents taught them that they are worthy, and that they matter, and that everything is going to be okay.

Dee · December 05, 2016, 12:50:53 AM

Radical does have a way with words, I love that. I agree with what she says. My mom would do things to me and my sister just to upset us. For example, if either on of us ever sat down to watch TV she would vacuum. To this day my sister says "I know she did it on purpose." My mom is still critical of me all the time. I just saw her and she was talking about the weight I gained. She cannot be anything other than that. I have come to accept and really just hate her for the most part. I know in her case it is her and not me. I had to tell myself a lot this weekend, but I made sure I knew it.

As far as jealousy. I was jealous of my friends and their mothers for a long time, but for some reason I am not anymore. I just feel like it wasn't something I was suppose to have. I think that being jealous is a normal and healthy thing. Maybe even better than where I am now, not sure. I am sure it is totally understandable, totally.

ktwin0971 · December 05, 2016, 02:57:23 AM

Hello Mourningdove,

I am so sorry your mom does that to you. I completely understand - the feelings of worthlessness. My mom is in her eighties, and she lives to belittle me and my siblings. I was so used to it I didn't even know other moms behaved differently. I have only learned in the past year to take more control of this and stand up for myself. It is a daily struggle, but it is thankfully with more good days than bad. It sounds like you are with her more than my mom, and my heart goes out to you.

It is not your fault that she chooses to do/say those things to you. You never deserved it before, and you certainly don't now.

You do matter. You absolutely do matter. You always have mattered, and you always will. I know how small and dark that inner voice can make you feel, but it is simply not true. You are a soul who is on this Earth with a purpose, and she cannot take that away from you. Sending hugs your way with wishes for a better evening.

mourningdove · December 12, 2016, 10:34:06 PM

Can't believe it's been a week since I made this thread. I have been unable to write until now because of super heavy depersonalization and derealization.

You all wouldn't believe what happened next that day, as I was drowning in feelings of not mattering. I had started preparing a meal for myself, as I hadn't eaten all day (mostly because "mother" was camped out in the kitchen all day, banging dense objects together). I had put something in the oven that needed a half-hour to cook, and I had intended to return 15 minutes after that and make the rest of my meal using the stove.

Well, at just about the 10 minute mark, "mother," having been notified that my sibling and her grandkids were en route, pushed her way into the kitchen to prepare food for them. It was surreal. And there was absolutely NO REASON for her not to wait the 20 minutes until I was done. No $%^& reason. There was no rush. It was only because they matter to her, and she is always desperately trying to impress them and buy their love. Me on the other hand - I am the bad one. i am the scapegoat - the one who is not welcome and not wanted, because I did not deliver grandkids; because I am disabled and poor; because I have dared to name what happened to me when I was a kid.

Quote from: Dee on December 05, 2016, 12:50:53 AM
My mom would do things to me and my sister just to upset us. For example, if either on of us ever sat down to watch TV she would vacuum. To this day my sister says "I know she did it on purpose." My mom is still critical of me all the time. I just saw her and she was talking about the weight I gained. She cannot be anything other than that. I have come to accept and really just hate her for the most part. I know in her case it is her and not me. I had to tell myself a lot this weekend, but I made sure I knew it.

So sorry that your mom treats you so badly. You deserve so much better, Dee.

But I'm glad that you are able to know that the problem is her and not you. I am way closer to that than I used to be, but still not 100% there. Thanks so much for being here for me.

Quote from: ktwin0971 on December 05, 2016, 02:57:23 AM
I am so sorry your mom does that to you. I completely understand - the feelings of worthlessness. My mom is in her eighties, and she lives to belittle me and my siblings. I was so used to it I didn't even know other moms behaved differently. I have only learned in the past year to take more control of this and stand up for myself. It is a daily struggle, but it is thankfully with more good days than bad. It sounds like you are with her more than my mom, and my heart goes out to you.

Ugh - so sorry that you are dealing with this, too. I'm glad that you are learning to stand up for yourself. I relate to not knowing for a long time that moms could be different than this. It's so sad. Thank you so much for all your support, ktwin0971.