Supporting Others???

[joyful]

So, i struggle a lot with feeling like the happiness, comfort and well-being of everyone that i'm in contact with. (i doubt i'm the only one...) My question is how much AM i responsible? i tend to see everything as my fault, or as my job to fix and then feel guilty about it all.
Does anyone have any insights about where to draw the line? How much to support the people that we know, and when to let go and let them work out their own stuff?
Thanks

[sanmagic7]

somewhere along the line i heard these guidelines about responsibility toward others (or i made them up - can't remember anymore!) :

we are responsible for children, for helping them find a way, for guiding them through advice or role modeling, for teaching them what they need to know in order to become responsible adults, for allowing them to make mistakes and helping them learn from them, to provide boundaries, and to protect them.

we are not responsible for other adults.  we are not responsible for their choices, nor their feelings.  we are not responsible for living up to their expectations.  we are not responsible for fixing either them or their situations.  we are not responsible for their mistakes nor for teaching them.  our responsibility begins and ends with ourselves.  we keep ourselves safe through boundary-setting, and do what makes us happy.  others may not agree with either of those options for ourselves, but we are not responsible for their happiness or comfort level regarding our own choices.

if we are asked for an opinion, for help, for guidance, we may, if we choose, provide such things.  if we have an opinion, help, or advice, we may ask if they want to hear how we feel or think - but only if we have the time and/or energy to be involved.  we have no obligation to be involved.  our involvement with another adult is by our own choice. 

certainly, there are separate instances when someone is distressed or in trouble/danger when we may want to step in and take some kind of action in a 'good samaritan' kind of way, but those are always our own choices. 

these are ideal guidelines, but basically, as adults, we are responsible for ourselves first and foremost, and we allow other adults to have the same responsibility for their own lives.  people learn by making mistakes, not by doing everything correctly, and i believe part of our responsibility to other adults is to allow them the opportunity to learn for themselves.  it gives us a sense of self-worth, pride, and accomplishment to do so, and we grow from it.  to continually take that opportunity away from others does them a disservice and can create co-dependence.

i've learned about this the hard way.  breaking negative and/or abusive cycles meant that i had to go my own way regardless of how or what others thought.  there were a lot of angry people in my life, but i learned that the only person i can truly make happy is myself.  even recently people have gotten angry at me because i stood up for myself or made a choice they didn't like.  i had no intent to anger them, to hurt them, but only to take care of myself.  they have a right to their feelings, but those are not my responsibility, and i don't have to try to smooth things or fix things for them.  they can work that out on their own.   my opinions only.   

[Contessa]

I like this response very much Sanmagic. Very inspirational. I think I need to sit down and think about who I am and am not responsible for too.

[Eyessoblue]

Totally agree with Sanmagic, in my counselling I am learning that things that happened and made me this way aren't my fault, very easy to self blame when we can't find the answers we are looking for. I find journaling - writing down my thoughts on one page then on the next page I write down why I think things happened and most of the time I do find answers and they aren't answers that blame 'me'. When I write I find all my feelings even things I wasn't aware I was actually feeling come out on to the paper, this gives me time to reflect and try and make sense of it all, in my counselling I have been asked to write letters to the people that abused me, not give them to them but write them as if I were, each couple of days you need to re write the letters to people and you find the blame and anger does get less and less, I was very sceptical about doing this but was very surprised at the outcome and how it made me feel, I don't read the letters out to my counsellor, just explain my thoughts and feelings about them and find that this really helps me, not saying it would work for everyone, but blame plays a huge part in my life and by doing this helps me to feel better about myself.

[sanmagic7]

hey, eyessoblue, i've done much the same thing, and it's helped me, too.  writing these things out often brings clarity and realizations of a much more positive nature than when i keep them swirling around inside my head.