Being taken advantage of

[rosemarie]

*Triggers*

So, I recently have been badly taken advantage of by two different narcs. One I thought was my friend and the other a sexual partner who is totally malignant. I could go into the details but the first one used me and owes me a bunch of money she will never pay back now that I have cut her off. The second is a scary abuse situation with probably the worst narc I've seen since my father (original trauma). Someone recently brought it to my attention that I need to figure out how to stop giving myself away to these people. That I need to recognize why I do, which is obvious, I was trained to by my father, and if I didn't submit to his abuse the threat was more abuse and/or death, and/or he was going to kill my mother or sister, on and on. Total nightmare. I thought I was at the point where this didn't happen anymore, but I walked right into it all over again and repeated the trauma. I'm super against victim blaming but I feel like at some point I have to figure out what it is I am doing wrong, or what I can do to stop this from happening again. When I realized what was happening I ended contact with these people, but it's too late, my whole life is upside down again.

I feel like in these situations, once I get triggered, I dissociate and just fall back into my old role of give myself away to survive. I'm just so tired of this, and drained, and depleted of resources and even the will to live. I just want it to stop. Does anyone have any advice? I thought I had learned to love and value myself but this suggests otherwise to me. All I can come up with is isolate myself and trust no one...which seems like an awful world to live in. I'm so ashamed this happened again. I'm really down on myself but I don't know what else will motivate me to take my life back.

[Dee]

See, I did this too.  It is people pleasing.  Also, for me, I didn't understand what a relationship should be like.  Simply, I didn't know any better.  I feel that I wear a sign saying, take advantage of me and it radiates from me.  You made a huge step and ended the relationships.  That is difficult to do, especially when you are scared.

Now, I am working hard on boundaries.  I read the book, Where You End and Where I Begin.  I am also putting a lot of work into being assertive.  That is hard for me.  I confuse assertive with feeling aggressive.  Saying NO, is super hard, I'm working on that too.  I have been isolating because of this, but I'm working.  Avoidance isn't the answer either.

[sanmagic7]

i've been surrounded by narcs my whole life, beginning w/ my sister, and just kept adding to the list with a husband, therapist, and even my daughter, as well as other abusive relationships.  i see now that i was conditioned to live under such conditions, where my boundaries didn't mean anything, assertive was being mean cuz it hurt someone else's feelings, and there was no respect for me as an individual  person.  to stand up for myself was aggressive, and neg. emotions weren't allowed.

i am convinced we continue in these patterns until we either see the light and are able to begin breaking the cycle we're used to being in, or we die.  the others don't have our best interests at heart, so we have to.  it's been most difficult for me to continue to break away from these people, especially the most cunning.   i used to trust everyone, couldn't for a minute imagine that they'd want to hurt me or would simply continue to hurt me even when i spoke up for myself.   

it's been a long road getting away from these people, but i've accumulated so many along the way.   i'm still in the process.  but it can be done.  one foot in front of the other.  hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.

[Spirals]

Sorry if resurrecting a thread is faux pas.

That sounds like a discouraging experience. Sometimes it feels like any PD in a 5 mile radius can find me and I will happily befriend them, hah hah. Or I "pull" the PD out of people   

So I personally do feel like I may  behave in ways that either attract them, or allow the relationship to continue. I don't consider objectively looking at your own contribution to the situation victim-blaming.

But I think you actually handled this well even if emotionally it feels Iike you didn't. It sounds like you befriended a person/s, discovered they have emotional/behavioral issues that are harmful to you, tested if they were willing to consider your needs in the relationship (sounds like they were not), and then asserted yourself by leaving when they showed it was going to be a one-sided relationship to their benefit. You protected yourself from further harm from these people    The fact you recognized their harmfulness to you, and then ended the relationships (despite feeling fear and uncertainty) sounds like major progress to me 

I usually feel very down on myself for leaving a situation. I felt ashamed that I couldn't "make" the other person treat me well. But I think that feeling is a lingering effect of being told I "made" my mother scream at me or "made" my brother hit me. Like I have this magical power to "make" people feel or do things.

Working on my boundaries has really helped me, too. I find that I'm mostly normal around other people with good boundaries and assertiveness but I will slip into either an overly compliant or an overly demanding role with other people with poor boundaries. It's something I'm still working on.

I like to think I learned bad habits that I need to practice regularly to change. Unfortunately, some habits are slower to change because there's less chances to practice! So I personally think isolating yourself might make this problem worse, if it cuts you off from people who are willing to respect you and your boundaries when you try to assert yourself.