Hopeful

[Cartaret]

Hi,
I'm hoping that somebody out there can tell me if they understand what has happened to me.

On the plus side, I have always held down a job, paid the rent, bought groceries, put gas in the car, etc. But I have never felt real and have spent most of my life communicating with imaginary friends in my head. i have never been able to form any kind of a close relationship with a real person.

My mother has been dead for over 20 years but I am still afraid of her. The problem is that I have no memories so I have no idea what she could have done to keep me still terrified. It makes me feel I'm crazy.

I have been seeing a therapist but because i have such difficulty connecting with people, I don't feel as if I relate well with him.

Does any of this make sense? Does  anyone else have problems like this?
Thank you.

[Three Roses]

Hello, Cartaret! Glad to meet you.

I think it's important for you to feel comfortable with your therapist; but if you don't feel comfortable with anyone, that's going to be difficult. 

I've seen lots of posts here about not feeling real, feeling like someone else, etc. You could search this site  or http://www.pete-walker.com/ for depersonalization or derealization. And I know tons of us don't feel like we can really connect with anyone. I feel completely different than most other people, like I am a different species.

You are definitely not alone. Thanks again for joining! 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello cartaret and welcome
It is good you are here. I have found and find the forum so supportive and helpful with my issues of cptsd ...

I was just thinking it is amazing and commendable how well we survive and hold done jobs and support ourselves.

Quote 'not feeling real' yes I can identify, for me I used to feel like a hologram, thoughts of 'who am I ' and then panic that I didn't know ...
therapy did help me with this and lately daily meditation / yogareally helps me to get into my body more ...

Quote 'I have never been able to form any kind of a close relationship with a real person'
Are u able to say what kind of relating you do have ? When I went to a child trauma therapist she said that the relational
Part of recovery is often the hardest bit for us ... but there is hope definitely and I can see I have grown and am growing. As three roses said 'Pete walkers work is very helpful and in his book 'surviving to thriving ' he talks about relationships

I still have deep fear of my mother and I haven't seen or lived near her for 8yrs .. it fills me with dread because she is or should I say was so toxic and nasty.. not remembering is a protective factor that the mind does ( I believe) and so when and with the right support the time is right the mind will let you know ...
Emotional abuse was very damaging to me
With my therapist I found it to be very helpful and part of the process to be honest saying things like 'I don't feel I can relate well to you ' helped to open up the discussion and explore my thought/ feelings and beliefs
Good luck on the next part of your recovery cptsd is complex and we help each other to feel a little less crazy and a bit more human

[Peggy-Sue]

hey totally get the not feeling real, sometimes its like i am behind a sheet of opaque glass screaming and no one sees or hears me
i hope you and your therapist can find a way for you to connect, there are lots of exercises you can do, grounding techniques i am sure your therapist can talk to you about
i am pretty sure i suffered abuse from my father when i was pre verbal and although he is alive he has been dead to me for over 15 years
i am still very scared of him but working through it and other messed up stuff but simple stuff like enjoying autumn , photos of my new baby niece , a really good meal and my beautiful son keep me going
you are not alone, you deserve love , peace and to feel safe and although it takes time to heal, to connect your body and soul , i'm sure you will get there
surround yourself with things, people, time that feel real and good , good times are always on the way, and comfort yourself through the bad times
your mum can't hurt you anymore , you will find peace,
take care

[Cartaret]

Big thanks to all three of you for replying. Three Roses, I just looked at the website and really like what   Walker has to say. Think I will order his books.
Boatsetsailrose, I know I should speak to my therapist about feeling that I just don't connect with him - it's all part of being the good girl and never getting into any conflict with anybody syndrome. I will try to  work up the courage to talk about it with him. Childhood programming is just so damm persistent, isn't it.
Thanks for the encouragement, Peggy-Sue. I hope things go well for you.

[sanmagic7]

hey, carteret,

glad you made it here.  someone once posted that when they have trouble speaking to their therapist, they either make notes or write it out and let the therapist read it.  don't know if that's something helpful for you, but just thought i'd pass it along.

i totally get that 'good little girl' syndrome.  i know now that it stinks.  as you continue on in your recovery, i have no doubt that you'll work through that and learn that you are the most important one in your world, your voice is necessary, and you belong here just the way you are, with both your flaws and strengths.    it may take a little while, but you're  worth fighting for yourself.  i've been there, and i like it a lot better here.  my best to you.

[prairiewind]

Welcome carteret! I relate to the going thru life acting responsible etc to others but most days it feels like just putting one foot in front of the other to keep going. Hopeful you will find support here.