I dunno if I'll make it

[TwinCinema]

I thought gaining insight into my childhood trauma would've strengthened my resolve and compassion for myself.
Instead, I've just further devolved into a blubbering, dissociating mess.

As I've talked about before on here, living at home triggers my EFs, memories of my dad's emotional abuse lingers like the smell of rotten fruit.
I know I have to get a job and make enough money to get back on my feet and back to Austin, but it all just seems so daunting.
It's not that I think I'm "too good" for minimum-wage jobs (I was working one in Austin), I just don't have the stamina anymore.
I feel fragile and weak on the best of days, the idea of breaking my back for little pay from unsympathetic middle managers is overwhelming.
My only motivation these days is fear, and fear's never been a constructive force for me.
Everything just seems impossible.

Here's a snapshot of how pathetic my life is at the moment.
I've been sleeping from about 4 AM to 2 PM, living life in a dissociative stupor.
I've been writing articles for different publications from time to time, but beyond that I haven't been productive in the slightest.
I spend most of my day muttering profanities under my breath while lying on my bed.
Occasionally I pause to listen to a new album or watch a video, but my concentration often gives in within half an hour.
I wait for my mom to get home, since she's the only one here who even halfway understands my dilemma, but she's soon pulled away by other family members or too tired to interact.
I don't have a car and all my friends live at least five miles away, so my only contact with the outside world comes from texting.
At night, I can push myself into watching maybe one or two episodes of my favorite shows, before lethargy takes hold and I shut off the TV.
I then spend the rest of the night reading morbid Wikipedia articles in the dark.
Murdered rappers, accidents on film sets, theme park deaths.

I kinda envy my autistic twin brother.
For one, he doesn't feel the need to live up to some ill-defined potential or be in the right neighborhood or social scenes.
He can just sit at his computer all day, watch YouTube, eat all the junk food I'm too health-conscious to ask for, have every need and desire catered to.
Sure, if I was him I'd miss out on a higher intellect, autonomy, not to mention more, er, carnal pleasures, but I wouldn't feel so bad all the time either.

Anyway, I don't have faith in myself that I can overcome this.
I have recurring nightmares of being 30 and still living here, even more helpless and hopeless than my brother.
I know my dilemma isn't that bad in the scheme of things, which just makes me feel worse that I've been raised to see life's speedbumps as unstoppable barriers.
I'm only 20 and I feel like I've already put myself irreparably behind.
I've screwed up the chances I've been given and I don't know if I deserve another.

[Three Roses]

I was diagnosed with ptsd in 2012. I really only began dealing with it seriously this past year.

I was totally intimidated by what I would find under the surface if I started dredging through the memories of my childhood - life, really, as I'm a great example of being caught in the "repetition compulsion". At the age of almost sixty, I asked myself, "Why bother? I've made it this far, surely I can keep going as I am."

But I've decided to believe that I am worth the effort. Looking up at the sun and saying, "The sun is bright", doesn't make the sun bright; I am only acknowledging its brightness. You are worth the time and effort it takes to overcome this and feel better, not because anyone says you are - you just are. No one can say you're not; that is denying reality.

I believe in you. You are a survivor. You get to chart the course of your life and plan the things you want to achieve. You don't have to accept as reality anyone else's definition. You aren't pathetic - you're wounded. Life is a series of ups and downs and everyone rides that roller coaster. If they all deserve patching up and another chance, and another, and another, why don't you?

You do.

[meursault]

I can totally relate.  I'm already dealing with this PTSD from my Dad's death, and I finally found a therapist who was kind and gentle enough I made a decision to re-open the can of worms from when I was a kid.  I had kept that suppressed for years.  I kind of thought there would be a couple of months of pain and crying and then I would start loving myself, or at least building toward that.  More than anything it's just more extreme ups and downs.  My therapist assures me this is the process of healing.  It's not linear, and the brain and body need to do this.  She told me to expect phases of being as bad as I've ever been and phases where I feel better than ever before.  She said "That's what most people don't understand about this kind of therapy.  It's the hardest work you're like ever going to do, and it's more like a squiggly line."

I think I have found just the thinnest thread of what I think most people feel, but it's still mostly extreme re-living of all that emotional pain.  But somewhere in there, with the knowledge of my therapist's love, part of me believes there is something worth loving in me.

She tells me to trust myself, and I know what I need to heal, even if I'm not aware of it, and I'm doing it at the pace I need.

Like Three Roses said, I believe in you.

From one of my favourite poems:
"Much of your pain is self-chosen.  It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self."

I wish I had found someone to help me come to terms with all that stuff from childhood when I was 20.  I'm 44 and things are epically bad in my life right now.  I think they'll get better somehow eventually.  I'm terrified I might have several years of jail ahead of me first, though.  When I was twenty, I was having dozens of panic attacks a day, I spent months unable to leave the house.  Social phobia was so bad.  But between then and now, there were a lot of good years too.  You have a significant headstart on me!  I called the crisis line this spring, and went into some details about growing up, and the worker was a therapist who volunteers on the crisis line part time.  She told me it's pretty common for people to just start dealing with their abusive childhoods at my age.  I think you're doing exceptionally well for tackling this stuff now!

Meursault

[sanmagic7]

i agree with 3 roses and meursault that you are worth everything good simply because you are. 

do you think you're depressed?  have you seen someone professional?  i'm thinking anti-depressants might be helpful to get you over this slump you're in.  that's how i see what you're describing.  it may look pathetic to you, but from a therapist's perspective, you look like you're coping the best you can at the same time you're under a terrible weight, and it's making it difficult for you to move. 

meds aren't for everyone, but they can help get us from here to there, allowing us to move from where we're stuck so that we can get back on track.  i've done anti-depressants myself, and they did help me until i didn't need the help anymore. 

and, i can totally relate to that feeling of learning what's going on with me and it seemed to feel like i got hit with a brick in the face.  it was devastating to me.  i also believe that learning about what's going on is what gives me the ammunition to battle this beast. 

i'll be 70 next year and really only began recovering from this horrible condition at the beginning of this year, due to a massive ef that nearly crippled me.  i've been in therapy for everything else since i was 38, but never knew about this (and i've been a therapist for over 25 yrs. and never knew about this).  i had a choice to make last jan.  - either stay on my knees and stop living, or find out what's going on and begin tackling it, one step at a time.

i think one phrase that continues to pop up, perhaps subconsciously, was said by emilio zapata, a mexican general  --  i'd rather die fighting then live on my knees.  i think i must've somehow 'channeled' his sentiments in that moment, because after 3 days of utter despair, i got up off my knees and have been fighting ever since.  the  war isn't over, but i've gotten a lot of support from this forum that has helped me stay on the battleground.

i hope you can find that spirit within you, twincinema.  looking at the young people on this forum, i'm ever so glad they have the chance to go after this before any more baggage piles up on top of them.   my heart is with you, and my sincerest wishes are that you are able to find your way out of the muck to higher ground.   big hug to you. 

[TwinCinema]

Aw gosh, I appreciate everyone's kindness and wise words very much.
I wrote that post real late at night in a state of manic delirium, so I wasn't sure I was even coherent.
For some reason, I was too scared to read everyone's replies until just now.
Guess I was embarassed about how vulnerable I'd made myself.

Sanmagic7, I'm absolutely sure I'm depressed.
I was diagnosed around age 10 (seriously!) and have at least a couple major episodes every year.
I feel like I've been in one extended episode for the past year and a half or so.

I started seeing a psychiatrist in the spring and am currently on an anti-depressant.
There was a period of a month or two recently where I wasn't able to get a refill, so I had to take my mom's SSRI to avoid nasty side effects.
Now that I'm back on my regular meds, doc says I should start to feel better within a couple weeks, but nothing's changed yet.

I'd like to start therapy, but the cost and transportation logistics keeps that off the table for now.
I've struggled all my life to find compassion for myself - the only time I'm able to do so is when viewing through some sort of prism, like parallels to my story in a cartoon or film.

[sanmagic7]

just shows how brave you are to show that vulnerability.  and i sure do hope those meds kick in quickly.  are they the same kind you took before?  did they help?  if so, then please hang on until they kick in.  we're hanging with you. 

[TwinCinema]

i sure do hope those meds kick in quickly.  are they the same kind you took before?  did they help?

They're the same kind I was taking before the lapse, no changes to the dosage or brand.
After a few months of being on it, I didn't notice much of an improvement. It at least helped with regulating my mood a little; I keep a pretty calm demeanor, but on the inside I'm prone to extreme emotional reactions, so the medicine has helped moderate those a bit.

I don't feel much better than I did in my original post, but I'm gonna hang on and try my best to practice self-care for now.
My next appointment's in a week or so, so if I still haven't noticed an improvement, I'll consult him about next steps.
I'm grateful for everyone's moral support here!

[sanmagic7]

self-care is always good.  and, one word about the shrinks - don't be intimidated by them.  make sure your voice is heard.  it's your body and your mind, and you know best about how your meds are working or side effects or anything.  let them know.  everyone is so individual, and the shrinks pretty much go by what the general standard is.  but if they're working for you, that's great!  let them do their thing and help you through this slump.  i hope you let us know what happens.   best to you.