Losing a partner to divorce, insecurity & invalidation

[livcurious]

This is my first post (not a response) about me, I just found this space today and like the support I'm seeing. This is a bit of a word vomit/wall of text.

On 9/27 my husband asked for a divorce. We've been in couples counseling for one year - we started after I found out he was flirting, talking with a female coworker about our relationship, sex life, etc. I consider it an emotional affair but he does not. He never understood why I was upset and why I wanted to cut her out of our lives. He proceeded to remain friends and after I caught him in another lie about her months later he appeared to finally let her go. 3 months later he went on a business trip and she was part of the team that went. Two days after he returned he asked for a divorce and said he no longer loved me.

In retrospect I recognize that part of the reason I was so hurt by that friendship is because he was being honest and open with her while he hid himself from me. I was in my final year of grad school when this "affair" started to develop and came to light. I recognize that I did play a role in how he got to that point as I'm assertive, I used anger to protect my vulnerabilities, and I wasn't emotionally available for him due to school. That doesn't dismiss what he did though as he could have come to me and said he was struggling or wanted more quality time with me. He was incredibly invalidating regarding everything with her. For example, before I found saw the messages, he asked if she could take him shopping to pick out new clothes for him, I said I wasn't comfortable with it and he proceeded to go anyways, but didn't confess until I called him out on new clothes that weren't his style. Following that, he stopped asking me what I thought about activities with her and just did them hoping I wouldn't find out. In the last week he's finally admitted that he was flirting with her and didn't see the danger, all the while at the time denying they were anything more than friends. He called me possessive, controlling and crazy because I wasn't comfortable with their friendship and asked him to change their communication and activities, which he did slowly over time with much prodding. I guess a lot of his denial was gaslighting, but I don't think it was intentional on his part. My intuition was right, but he made me second guess myself. I was always bitter about her role in his life and it took me awhile to recognize he was the person responsible for his actions and owning his emotions. We tried to implement boundaries but for him it was always about what I needed and so I don't think he respected them, he just accepted them. We did seem to get better but now I don't know if it was real or just him pretending so things would get better. I struggle to accept love and feel worthy and I can be clingy when I feel insecure. I don't know if this relationship just wasn't right and that's why I felt the lack of emotional connection, or if it's just a result of who I am and he couldn't be happy with me. I've made so many improvements to my anxiety and emotional regulation in the last year through my own counseling and I'm sad he didn't want to continue improving our relationship. It was not just about me, but he never accepted responsibility for the impact of his actions.

I was blindsided when he asked for a divorce, I was still recovering from his return and excited to move forward with our lives. I think he lied so well in the weeks leading up to that day, but I also think in the last 2 days I was in my own head so much that I missed signs. I finally realized I wasn't feeling connected and that's when I asked him how we were doing and he said he wanted a divorce (he didn't even bring it up on his own).

His reactions to my feelings about his friendship were incredibly invalidating and ties back to my childhood experiences. Growing up, my mother was invalidating - I was never enough as I was. I was a smart kid and received praise for my academic intelligence but I was never social enough for her and my introverted time alone reading books wasn't what she wanted to see. I was overweight even as a child and she criticized my size and insinuated I should be ashamed of my weight, I was probably 8 when I first realized my size wasn't acceptable in her eyes. She had a lot of issues with food and shamed me instead of dealing with her own problems.

I think I've gone off-topic and I'm afraid of how people will respond but I think that's also my own insecurity. I don't know how I'm going to prevent this new loss from making things worse for me. I stuck with my husband when he betrayed me because I recognized my role, loved him and wanted to develop a healthier relationship. I feel like he's decided now that he doesn't want to try and rekindle our love (since he doesn't feel it) and is taking an easy out. I was rejected by the person I love and trusted more than anyone in the world.

[Wife#2]

Livcurious - I wish I could make it be different than it is for you. I'm so sorry this pain has brought you to us. Yet, I'm also glad you had the courage to join us and to speak your truth.

Welcome

[Manchesterford]

Livcurious - sending you tons of love and a massive hug. You are brave for sharing your truth here and I understand and sympathise. I have been through something very similar and am feeling very broken and rejected. It is so damaging to self worth. I am trying to rebuild, ro work through those feelings. I wish you peace and if i find a way through, or techniques that work i will share them x

[livcurious]

That would be lovely Manchesterford, thank you. I'm astonished at how many people go through this level of pain. I never expected to be divorced or feeling this level of loss.

Wife#2, thank you for welcoming me.

[oreo]

HI livcurious

absolutely a tough situation that I can identify with.   I am in the midst of a sudden separation process mostly of  my own  making and I regret  my actions deeply and the impact they had on my wife.   I am  in a recovery program and have been introduced to the CPSTD  issues that triggered my addictive behavior.   I often think that my wife is taking the easy way out by separating and I know she is struggling with her decision.   That said, I have to respect her boundaries and try and surrender my resentful thoughts because those thoughts are not good  for  me  and I don't want to resent her.   I do my best every day to try and wish her well  on her journey.   

These life surprises are tough to  deal with and its really too  bad that your husband can't  see the impact  on you.    I wish nothing but the best for you on your journey.

[Manchesterford]

It is by far the most devastating experience of my life. I have suffered bereavements, failed health, financial struggles and been made redundant twice but this has torn me apart and left me broken in ways I never thought possible. I think, from talking with friends who have been divorced, our situations are more complicated and harder to process emotionally. Because, certainly in my case, the end of my marriage isnt due to a lack of love. It is a broken person unable to sustain it, to manage it, to commit to it. We are apart and I know it brings no real, deep joy to either of us. The pain is dreadful and the emptiness haunting.

I am trying very hard to come to terms with it and process these feelings. I am using EFT which I hope very much will help.