I wonder...could I have a Personality Disorder?

[Butterfly66]

Hello

Oooohhh this is very hard to write, I am feeling such shame but I started reading the section on Personality Disorders last night, it has often crossed my mind, whether I have developed or I am developing a Personality Disorder.   I couldn't stop reading on this forum and checked some links and I can see myself in the Personality Disorder checklists.  I came across this question about myself a number of years ago about Narcisstic Personality Disorder and decided my mum had the hallmarks, I then read about fleas and decided that maybe I had some fleas but I am worried it could have developed further.  I am aware and conscious and remember reading that if you are worried about NPD then you don't have it because a person with NPD would not consider this question.

I woke up in the middle of the night worrying that I may have a personality disorder and I am flawed, defective in a deep way and wrote about it in my semi consciousness, what was coming out was that no one will want me or love me because I am flawed. I listened to my beautiful meditation and got back to sleep.

The this morning I woke up in a panic about there being something inherently defective/wrong with me.  I drew a picture.  Then I used a tool that I have used in the past asking myself what I want to happen or experience, often looking at the opposite which is perfect!  I know perfection does not exist so I suppose I want to be okay just as I am, to be loveable just as I am.   It was not a head thing I got into that feeling of feeling defective/flawed.  Oooohhh I wanted to cry so much I felt like exploding inside, everything wanted to come out.  I did cry a little and I am crying now writing this.

After the EF/emotional processing yesterday which it felt like it was about being abandoned by my dad at 6 months then at 14 years when he took his life, I wonder whether my IC  felt something was wrong with her back then, that she was unloveable because my dad did not see me again from 6 months until I was 5 years old, I wonder whether with having an emotionally unavailable mother aswell, I took on that belief that no body loved me, that there must be something wrong with me because I did not have a dad like everyone else and therefore I was unloveable,  I wonder whether I have carried this all my life unconsciously. 

I have side tracked but when I listen or read about NCD on here and listen to Spartan Life Coach I feel shame such shame/cringing in my shoulders.  I wonder whether I have the NPD behaviours because I am aware I crave attention, I so want to feel loved.  I feel so afraid that I also have a PD.

I am new here, it's all coming up and having kept it all inside for so long it so wants to come up and out, I have only recently been put on a waiting list for counselling for adult survivors of child abuse.  I have had counselling in the past many times but never with access to feelings and emotions so I feel I am ready to move forward with the healing, just wish I had a T to talk through these issues now, whilst they are coming up.  at the moment body work and homeopathic remedies are part of my support.  I feel like this feeling of being defective/flawed is at the very core of what's causing my shame, why I could possibly unconsciously hide the true me.

Can anyone relate to this? experienced any healing in T?

Thank you so much for this space to finally share, to feel like others understand, it's so invaluable,  I am even wondering sharing all this, is this a PD trait?  Crazy wish I hadn't started to read about PD's.  Here goes I'm going to share, going to do it, go on press the Post button......

[Wife#2]

HUGS! HUGS & MORE HUGS!

Try to remember to breathe. Now, look back at the top of that list of traits. Remember, we ALL have these from time to time. ALL OF US! It's when they become a defining part of who you are and how you identify that cross the line between things we ALL feel and possibly having a PD.

That list scared me so bad, I was shaking when I read it. I actually called my most recent former therapist to see if he had any kind of notes about me having a PD. God love that man, he went through records from over a decade ago. He found nothing in his notes suggesting that I had a PD, and he'd seen me for over two years. That and his kind words helped to calm me down.

To help you know why I was so scared - I started seeing him after my 3-day hospitalization related to depression. I was a HOT MESS when I started! Through two years of talk therapy, he'd helped me find my way into some self-confidence and maturity.

MORE HUGS to you for the awful dreams. We are ALL worthy of being loved. Yes, you, too! Even with our flaws. YOU are WORTHY of sincere LOVE!

I sincerely wish I could send over a vacuum and pull that shame off of you to the netherworld where it belongs. Being the child of an absent father and unavailable if present PD mother is enough to send many folks into PD land. BUT, not everyone! I can't promise you that you don't have a PD, but I can promise you that a good therapist who understands the attachment problems and cPTSD you've survived will help you know what the true answer is.

Regardless of that true answer, regardless of any real or perceived flaws, you are STILL WORTHY OF LOVE!!!!!!! YOU ARE ALWAYS WORTHY OF BEING LOVED!!! No diagnosis will change that fact, that reality. YOU ARE LOVABLE AND WORTHY OF BEING LOVED.

[Butterfly66]

Thank you Wife2, tears are rolling down my face reading your beautiful reply, thank you, thank you, thank you, I accept your hugs.  There is more that my IC suffered, here I am validating her, the sweet child/children that went through so much and survived, I remember so little from my childhood, these are a few more pieces that I have gleaned, when my mum was hospitalised, I went for comfort to a friend's dad who sexually abused me and then I put on weight and was teased and bullied at school.  I was an only child who tried to tell the friend's mother who did not want to listen, didn't share anything about my school experience, don't remember if I knew then that anything was wrong with how I was being treated.  No where safe for her to go.  Thank you and blessings for your beautiful heart Wife2.

I have just felt some relief for sharing this, for your words and for my own validating words, so grateful.

[Dee]

I see two things going on here.  First, feeling different and flawed is part of CPTSD.  When I first told my T about how flawed I was I couldn't even say the word flawed, she couldn't understand what I said until she thought about it.  Give yourself a break about worrying if you are defective and flawed, it is the inner critic at work.

Next, like Wife#2 said, we all have traits of PD from time to time.  I was in group and the facilitator gave a laundry list of what she has been told she has characteristics of at some point.  She questioned herself about continuing with a master's in Social Work.  Then she learned that at times we all show these characteristics, all of us. 

I have been scared to consider I am BPD.  There are some things that CPTSD and BPD share.  Each time I come to the conclusion that no, I am not.  I do sometimes fit it, but most of the time I don't.  I do however fit CPTSD all the time.  I also decided so what.  What if I was BPD, I still need help.  My therapist has told me she would not waste her time if I was hopeless.  There are times that I cling to those words in a way she will probably never understand.  Then again, I think she understands more than I can comprehend.

[solongStockholm]

Yes. I feel this way sometimes. I've been in therapy on and off for 15 years. When I am not On an SSRI and life is stressful my PD traits surge...projection, negativity, emotional instability. I am my mother's daughter and was raised in an incredibly toxic household and undoubtedly learned unhealthy ways of seeing and being.

No, I've never been told I have a PD (I've asked many times) but have been told I have traits of BPD. Come to learn now that CPTSD is often missed to the overly diagnosed......you guessed it BPD.

We are survivors of long term trauma and our models we're dysfunctional. It will take time to learn new ways to think and be. Be compassionate to yourself. You'll heal and become healthier someday soon. <3

[radical]

 
I don't think there is anyone, anywhere who wouldn't identify with many of the traits, particularly when stressed. 

Too often, those of us with CPTSD are just attacking ourselves when we think we are being honest with ourselves.  There is never a shortage of (what seems at the time to be) compelling evidence of our unworthiness, uselessness and hopelessness.

Maybe the question in your head is just another blind alley, like hundreds of others, that arise from believing you are not okay, and maybe the problem is believing unfair untruths about yourself and finding justifications after the fact.

You more deserve kindness, and less critique, imo.

[Candid]

I woke up in the middle of the night worrying that I may have a personality disorder and I am flawed, defective in a deep way and ... no one will want me or love me because I am flawed.

This seems to be compulsory thinking for those of us raised by PD parents. I have it every so often, and I know it can floor me.

I know perfection does not exist so I suppose I want to be okay just as I am, to be loveable just as I am. 

You have to believe it. I hope your "beautiful meditation" tells you you're better than okay just as you are, and infinitely lovable no matter what. These are good affirmations to make, whenever you think of it, plus any other uplifting things you can include such as "people like me, I'm smart, I'm beautiful, I'm kind" etc.

Those kind of thoughts get rid of those fleas that make us justifiably criticise ourselves. But after realising we've gone wrong, we can say "I'm lovable anyway" and get back on track faster (much faster) than if we go on beating ourselves up.

[Blueberry]

I've been diagnosed with two different personality disorders, both in Cluster C. It was a relief to me quite frankly. Better than just years of the diagnosis 'depressive episode'. The way personality disorders were explained to me: my childhood was so bad that instead of me merely acting anxious and frightened most of the time, anxiety, fear and even panic became part of who I am. Because of the way FOO treated me.

I have the impression that here in OOTS when people are talking about PD they tend to mean NPD or BPD, but I have heard the same for these too. That you're not born with them, they develop because of the way you're treated. A psychotherapist cum psychiatrist, the head of a trauma clinic I've been in,  says 90% of BPD sufferers got there due to c-ptsd. So even if you have a PD, it's just another symptom of your c-ptsd. No cause for panic. Doesn't mean you're a bad person.

I don't know about NPD but I certainly know that people can lessen the symptoms of BPD. I don't know if you can heal all the way, but you can certainly heal some way, just like we can (and do) from c-ptsd.

I also second what SoLongStockholm writes.

[Blueberry]

Because I've been reading more on here and elsewhere about BPD and NPD and also following and commenting on discussions here and on OOTF, I have some amendments to make to my post of just over 2 months ago. For me this is another indication of the progress I'm making in (self-) psycho-education.

I've been diagnosed with two different personality disorders, both in Cluster C. It was a relief to me quite frankly. Better than just years of the diagnosis 'depressive episode'. The way personality disorders were explained to me: my childhood was so bad that instead of me merely acting anxious and frightened most of the time, anxiety, fear and even panic became part of who I am. Because of the way FOO treated me.

I now think these Cluster C diagnoses: Avoidant and Obsessive-Compulsive, which were both given me quite a few years before CPTSD, were mis-diagnoses. They didn't appear on the last two clinic reports. On these, there were just CPTSD and what I call 'symptom' diagnoses like depression and anxiety. In the case of Avoidant, I have made so much progress over the years that I'm obviously not meeting the layperson's criteria of: not aware of there even being a problem far less capable of making changes! In the case of OCD, I think I was chiefly given the diagnosis because of my pretty compulsive habit of self-destruction, but that to me is one of the methods I started as a fairly young child to deal with the trauma, so it comes under the heading CPTSD. Many other symptoms under OCD are not that prevalent in my personality. Some are there to some extent, but I wouldn't say personality disorder.

The diagnosis CPTSD was even more of a relief than the PDs. With this diagnosis I blamed myself less for the length of time I was taking with healing. I figured CPTSD gave me more of a reason to be taking so long than 'just'  recurring depressive episodes

I have the impression that here in OOTS when people are talking about PD they tend to mean NPD or BPD, but I have heard the same for these too. That you're not born with them, they develop because of the way you're treated. A psychotherapist cum psychiatrist, the head of a trauma clinic I've been in,  says 90% of BPD sufferers got there due to c-ptsd.

90% of BPD sufferers got there due to trauma, of course, not due to CPTSD.