Always * pissed off

[titanfella]

Hi all,

I do a lot of research on anger and stumbled upon complex PTSD and felt that the symptoms were the most accurate when it comes to describing my anger.

I don't really know what to say here, so I'll just say everything that's on my mind.

So I am always * pissed off.

It gets to me most when people slight me, in my face and think that they can get away with it.

I go back home ruminating over the situation over, and over, and over in my head. I'd create wild scenarios about how I'd kick my wrongdoers' asses. It's always only about violence in my head.

Yet, I've never gotten in a fight before in my life, which makes me feel like I am not a man or that I have not been allowed to express myself properly, hence all the penned up anger.

I am a good person... I don't do stupid * to get myself in trouble. I want to maintain that of course, but ironically, I am so angry all the time.

I guess I have what you call "hypervigilence." When I get out of the house and see random stranger dudes, I am all like "I can take this guy on." If it's a bad day, I'd then create a scenario of how I'd fight him then.

And the things that piss me off can be so... mild sometimes. It could be my little niece being rude to me. I don't think of kicking her *, but I'd think of screaming at her.

It's just so tiring to feel angry all the time. I am holding on to a lot of things, some dating back to 10 years ago. I just can't let it go. I gnaws at me that my wrongdoers get away with it, and so, being angry is how I find my own justice, in my head.

But it hurts. I get angry at home, in my room randomly every, single * day. I end up breaking a lot of things around the house.

Am I overthinking it? It's not like I got sexually abused or went to war before. I lead a good life. I am grateful for so many things, but yet, I still feel all this anger.

What do I do?

Also, just to point out, my dad died 10 years ago. I can safely say then that that was when it all started growing in strength. Not started, but grow.

Any comments would help. I've no expectations.

[Wife#2]

Titan,

First off, welcome. This is a good place to get started finding out what's at the bottom of all that anger. There are many non-judgmental people, men and women, who've been through things horrifying and seemingly mild (it doesn't take sexual abuse or war to create cPTSD in us), many of whom will understand what you're saying.

Myself, I didn't even recognize that I was an angry person until I was in therapy years ago. At least you see it and see it for what it is. I also see in my young son much pent-up anger with no good release mechanism for him. We're working on that together. I see in him much of what you describe with your daily life.

One thing I did want to mention, which you could not have known before now, is that there are a few protections in place for other posters who may have had anger/cussing/violent thoughts as primary issues in their lives. We ask that all posters refrain from cussing (that's why some of your words changed into asterisks) and to post 'Trigger Warning' in your title or at the top of your post. Example: Always Angry - Trigger warning: language, violent thoughts. This helps anyone who'd rather avoid those topics today to skip your post and move on to another, less triggering one.

The biggest takeaway I want to give to you today is that you have been heard! What you say does sound like a difficult way to live, and it sounds like you'd like to change that. This website is a good place to start. Read up on tools and resources that could help lead you on your way. Welcome to Out of The Storm.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Titan!

I've struggled with the same issue my whole life - finally I know what it is, and that helps me do a little thought correction and mindfulness when I catch my imagination slipping away.

Almost invariably, this has happened when I have felt threatened - and it didn't take much to make me feel threatened! A disapproving look had the same impact as a heated disagreement.

Now when I find myself going down that path, I can ask myself what triggered me and tell myself the truth instead of feeling threatened.

As far as cussing, the button mash (*&^##!) is also allowed. But a little head's up - even "TW" at the beginning - will give those of us who've suffered verbal abuse fair warning, if we want to read the post. 

Pete-walker.com has more info on mindfulness and thought correction (not as sinister as it sounds ).

Thanks for joining! Liking forward to hearing more from you. 

[radical]

Welcome Titan,

I know what you mean.  Meditation and mindfulness have helped me when I've felt this way, but I have to start when my mind in still relatively quiet, before the anger gets too much of a hold.

Feelings like don't make you a not good person.  You are the person who is suffering with this, you aren't lashing out despite how you are feeling.

Looking forward to hearing more from you