Being a fawn to two different sides

[tea-the-artist]

I hope someone else can relate to this. I'm definitely the fawn type (fawn-freeze) and it dawned on me how hard I had it as a child (and in adult life). My dad is the chief emotional abuser and neglect-er, but because of that I became a surrogate mother to my brother. The issue is... when you not only had to fawn to your primary abuser, but also your secondary abuser (who was the other victim to your primary abuser). Often when I tried to please my parents, I'd be displeasing my brother, and vice versa. Later in our life, my brother called me "two faced" or say I didn't care because I listened to him vent about his suffering due to our parents, but I'd also joke around or do good deeds for our parents.

It made me feel so confused about what I was supposed to be doing, how I should be acting. If my brother recently vented, I would take on an angry/reject-ful (contemptful?) face towards my parents, not being the cutesy/nice/cheery daughter they expect. That would cause them problems, and in turn, drag my brother into the mix. If I'm being the Good Daughter, my brother would think I'm rejecting him and leaving him out.

Even though I'm 23 now and don't have any obligation to do either (not that I ever should have been forced into a situation where I felt obligated to do that in the first place!!), I still find it hard to get rid of that guilt. And honestly, I feel like this is one of the biggest obstacles in my recovery (I still live at home with all of them). It's really difficult to focus on myself, despite "logically" (but not emotionally) knowing I don't owe them squat, especially after what they put me through.

Can anyone relate to this? Having to fawn to the abuser (primary) and also his victim (who is also your own "secondary" abuser)? I am still really really early in recovering since I haven't moved out, but this guilt is getting in the way of the things I've been learning and understanding and trying to practice (like self-compassion)!

[Wife#2]

I don't have the same situation, no. I did want to respond, though, that coping with what amounts to polar opposites (Parents' expectations vs brother's expectations) is an impossible situation! There is no way to be 'right'. This is a formula by which you cannot ever get rest.

Oh, how I wish I could get you out of that house! You can't possibly begin to meet yourself and grow to like yourself while there are two camps demanding that you be who THEY want you to be. It's incredibly hard to stand up for yourself and tell them all to go whistle a lousy tune when their expectations conflict with who you do know yourself to be. It's hard to defy everyone around you even in a supportive environment, much less how you are coping!

Do you remember Ophelia in Hamlet? Hamlet and his ever-changing demands on her, combined with her father's and brother's confusing words and use of her, eventually drove her mad. The fact that you are NOT mad is a testament to your strength of character and early recognition that SOMETHING is wrong and it isn't YOU.    You are NO Ophelia.

I have no answer except to pray for your escape from that house. And soon. 

[tea-the-artist]

You are very right! it is hard to get rest! whenever I try to relax, always in the back of my mind I'm wondering which of them I might have upset (or might currently be upsetting since i'm not catering to them!). It's so funny whenever I'm just an ounce of myself (or attempting to be), neither of them want to see any of that. It's believable but still so unbelievable  Any sign of potential abuse-protesting gets me in the hot seat or gets me labelled as "selfish" and "two faced!"

I haven't read Hamlet in what seems like forever but I do remember her madness (this makes me want to find my book from high school). I can't say I'm mad but I've had my two emotional breakdowns when the conflicting task to keep both opposing parties happy and both times it landed me in the hot seat (and also labelled "stingy" and "a brat"). I hope my strength isn't me suppressing anger though!

n that's ok! I really do appreciate your response Wife#2   

[joyful]

This is hard for me to say, but I understand. For me it's my dad and bf though. My bf isn't abusive though...but I feel like I'm trying so hard to please both and it's ripping me apart. (Dad and bf pretty much hate each other.) I'm codependent on bf which I'm trying to fix, but it's so hard. He's dealing with stuff too so for a long time we were like each other's only support. I feel like I'm rambling. It's really hard for me right now. I end up just distancing myself from both of them which doesn't fix or help anything. I don't know what exactly I'm trying to say here. I know what you feel though I think. Lots of confusion. And other things that are harder for me to identify.

[tea-the-artist]

joyful yeah i feel you. the freeze side definitely takes over and I isolate myself when fawning doesn't work out. its all a giant mess and incredibly exhausting wondering when and how exactly I'm going to make time to help and care for myself. I honestly wish my dad would throw me out so that'd force me to focus on myself but it's already been a habit for everyone to depend on me one way or another (when I was a kid it used to be emotional/entertainment dependence on me, now they also depend on me financially).

[Wife#2]

Tea -

They're happy to keep it a 'symbiotic' two-way street. You need them for transportation, they need you to keep the house (and everyone else's wants/needs) solvent. As long as you don't confront and you don't enforce any boundaries, all is well.

I want to attack and defend you against the cruel words they hurl at you for defending yourself. Unfortunately, all my words are mere vitriol and wouldn't help anything against your father & brother as you describe them. Drat. I really would love to hold a mirror up to both men and hold it there until ONE recognizes that they are a part of a crazy-making pair! Preferably older brother, who is completely willing to manipulate you to keep the status quo - IE parents off HIS adult, should-be-on-HIS-own, sitting place. Wanting ain't getting. But, I can stand here with my pom-poms cheering you on as you slowly find you way out of the house and the guilt-factory they have operating there.       YOU CAN DO IT 

[Bird]

Dear Tea, ears all up:)))

...what a Situation... it turns you into victim a n d doer, and also your brother.. of course the perfect form of delegation...
My idea to begin interrupting the pattern would be, if possible, to make a open remark to your brother, letting him know somehow, that you do n o r feel comfortable, when you please the parents ignoring him..
Let him know about your dilemma..
Because pretty shure he is not aware how he himself is also made a victim and doer ( to you then) ..
If the two of you could begin to share a view from outside on the pattern of the setting as whole, perhabs this would open ways to act and feel differently, - if not towards the parents, then to each other...
Because the way it is, this is how slaves were disciplined - never solidaric out of fear..
But if the sleaves start to communicate and discover, that their best and what position in hierarchy are pretty much the same, and how they are habitually used, then a freedom to make unexpected steps can unfold.
So my advice would be to dare a communication.
Perhabs not even as "declaring personal borders" but rather as letting the other participate in your difficulty to "do da right ting"...
Discover doublebinds logic, where doing right is per se I m possible!
Perhabs small remarks will already do for the beginning, depending on how emotionally relaxed the two of you can communicate..
It's precious to have each other...
Warmly:))),
Bird

[tea-the-artist]

Hey Bird sorry for the late reply! Honestly, I've thought about it for so long, trying to open a different kind of communication up with my brother. And the thing is, I have. I did over the summer, and he told me to be open otherwise he wouldn't know what was going on with me. And when I did open up, something I don't usually do because I've been fawning my whole life, he invalidated me, essentially telling me he didn't really care what I was opening up about. Even when I could tell from his tone that he thought he understood and wouldn't do that, he did anyway, like he hadn't really been listening. Only listening out to hear when I finished talking.

It's terrible really, I even told him last year, that I have to be this all around Good Person for everybody, but nobody's realizing that it doesn't work for me. And he said what I was upset about didn't matter.

So.. I just find it hard to trust that anything else I say will affect him in a way that will make him want to change. We talk now, but more like a pair of best friends who are both emotionally unintelligent. He said he wouldn't tell me anymore of his problems and that if I had problems I should keep them to myself (AKA don't bother him about it).

I'm sure one day I'll be able to verbalize my original post to him and hope that he sees where he's failed and hurt me, but for now I just don't trust he has the knowledge or ability to care outside of what actually affects him.