trapped in my "hometown"

[mourningdove]

It's killing me and nobody understands. I came back here because my only other choice was to be completely homeless while I was having severe neurological problems. But now I'm trapped, because most of my "friends" have abandoned me, and I can't afford to move.

My T doesn't even understand how just being here is hurting me every day. I keep getting encouraged to go out more and find ways to meet people. I DON'T WANT TO #$%^&* MEET PEOPLE; I WANT TO LEAVE. I do not feel safe around here. I do not want to make connections here. I do not want anything to do with this horrible, horrible place. No. Just no. Every street causes intrusive thoughts and flashbacks. Nobody understands how horrible this is. Nobody.

[mourningdove]

When things were going badly in my life, I used to comfort myself by saying, "At least I'm not THERE." But now I am. I am, and I can't stand it, and I can't figure out how to get out.

[Kizzie]

Oh dear Mourningdove, I am so sorry you feel stuck in a place that is constantly triggering you.      Maybe you need to tell your T that instead of helping you the advice to get out and meet people in a place that holds so many triggers for you is actually making you feel worse.

It would be like going into a hospital or doctor's waiting room without a mask when your immune system is depleted - not  good idea. I say this because I had cancer and no-one looked askance at me when I wore a mask and gloves because the chemo had reduced my immune system to rubble.  I think CPTSD does the same thing to our nervous system so reducing  stress makes sense.

FWIW imo isolating to some degree there may be in fact represent self-care in the face of too much trauma rising to the surface at once.  It may be actually be what you need to do to calm your system so that you do have energy for recovery.      

[mourningdove]

Thank you, Kizzie. 

I appreciate your having pointed out that isolation might be self-care for me, given the situation. I hadn't thought of it that way before, and I think you are right.

The T is just one example of how nobody in my life understands what it's like for me to be trapped here like this. In a way, it makes sense for her to encourage me to socialize, because the isolation is really getting to me as well, but in doing that, she is minimizing how all-pervasive my aversion to this area is.

I hate it here more than I can express, and I thought I would never have to come back. Now I have been stuck here for years again. The longer I am here, the more it feels like there is no escape, just like when I was a kid.

I wonder if I am the only one who feels this way regarding a particular location. I'd meant to ask earlier, but this topic is so upsetting to me that I forgot to.

[Wife#2]

I've got my share of places in this town that I'd rather never see again. Things that happened before I got married, places they happened. I cringe if I do have to ride by them, but that's pretty rare, thankfully. Even the house I'm in has some of those memories. But, moving MY family in, with all OUR noise, mess, life, laughter, whatever, has removed nearly all the memories of what happened there.

My H and I (both uCPTSD) call those EF memories ghosts and we try to reclaim places and exorcize the ghosts when we can. It's not easy, on those rare occasions we actually succeed, but we HAVE succeeded a few times. My house is just one example. The biggest way for us to reclaim is to force ourselves back to the places where things happened, but only together and only with a pre-decided mission to reclaim. And, if the person who needs to do the reclaiming can't make a happy memory there, we give that place up or the non-traumatized one must be the only one to go there until the traumatized one can face it again.

It stinks that your friends have turned their backs. That makes the whole situation so much harder! If you had even just one ally who could help you with a reclaiming project of your own, I believe it would help you bear your time there.   

My understanding about 'ghost' memories and their power was one of the things that attracted my H to me. I didn't judge, think he was crazy or invalidate him. I even understood! For me it was similar. Here is someone who doesn't think I'm talking about actual ghosts, just vivid memories that persisted past when they were pleasant.

I wish I had some wise words or advice or a million dollars I could donate to help you break free.

If I ever left this town, I would not mind and I would not look back if it was at all possible to leave.

[mourningdove]

I wish I had some wise words or advice or a million dollars I could donate to help you break free.

Just your being here and caring means so much. Thanks, Wife#2.