recurring, invasive memories of things I've done "wrong"

[cosmo79]

...or may have done wrong
...or may have been perceived in a negative light

Examples: Losing control of a classroom I was teaching (5 years ago), misspeaking and accidentally offending someone (4 years ago)

Does anyone else have these?

Could the cause be that my parents would often bring these things up, and use them to rationalize abuse, and blamed me for other people's bad treatment?

I would really like to rid myself of the notion that I'm a lot worse than other people...but I keep thinking that that may be the truth.

These memories then lead to terror that I might "screw up" again, so I take half an hour to write each email for work, minutely go over interactions in my head, etc.

[mourningdove]

I have this, too, cosmo79. And I also analyze the heck out of all my interactions, and feel like I am worse than other people.

Having trouble writing at the moment, but just wanted to say that you are not alone.

[cosmo79]

Thank you so much for replying, even while maybe feeling under the weather, mourningdove. It's really good to know I'm not alone.    Thank heavens for this community.

[Three Roses]

Yes! This is me, too. I think for me, the cause was the inconsistency of enforcement of the rules; some days a thing would be ok to do, some days that same thing was not okay to do. It left me feeling like I was always standing on shaky ground, and I learned not only to constantly second-guess my future actions, but to painstakingly analyze past actions for clues of what worked and what didn't.

You're most definitely not alone!  Welcome.

[Kizzie]

Hi Cosmo - I had this quite bad forever, but it has finally started to ease somewhat as I've recovered.  One thing that helped me was taking an online CBT course for social anxiety and using some of the strategies I learned for countering/replacing those thoughts. 

For example, I try to put my behaviour in perspective by thinking about things other people have done that are embarrassing and what I thought in that moment.  I am generally quite empathetic (i.e., so others are probably more empathetic than I imagine, I just had overly critical parents who taught me to feel the way I do when I make a mistake).

I also use reality checks to quiet my Inner Critic (e.g., "Well, I know you think I am the centre of the universe and that everyone who saw/heard that will forever remember and think less of me, but isn't that kind of narcissistic? Who do you know that hasn't done something embarrassing?") 

Hope this helps.  (I should note that CBT isn't the only therapy I've done to help, there's all the feeling stuff that goes hand in hand with it.) 

[sanmagic7]

i've done that a lot.  it came from the unrealistic expectations placed on me to be perfect.  i still do it, even when posting in this forum.  i'm hoping that as i keep working with my inner child, that doubting inner critic will eventually settle down and give me some peace.  it's the pits!

[cosmo79]

Thanks very much, Three Roses, Kizzie and sanmagic! (Sorry, I couldn't figure out how to reply individually.)

ThreeRoses, you hit it on the head -- second-guessing the future, and the past. I read somewhere that the French call the latter the "spirit of the staircase" -- you've said something, and as you're going down the stairs, you realize what you should have said.  It was at its loudest when my general mental health was at its worst, which I guess means those messages are untrue.

Kizzie, yes, I've done CBT, too, but fallen off a bit lately. To respond to the thoughts, do you make written charts, or respond in your head?

Sanmagic, I felt it while writing these replies, and beforehand. ("You haven't written back yet to those kind people. They're going to be furious!" etc.)

Thanks again to all of you.

[89abc123]

Yep I think we all do this!!

One of the bittersweet parts of healing for me is that up until about a year or so ago, I didn't realise my behaviour was illness related...I thought it was normal. So the more I heal and the more in touch with reality I'm becoming, the more Shame spirals I'm going into over who I used to be, the things I used to say to people and the dysfunctional things I used to do.

i think this is why Pete Walker talks so much about self compassion. Healing sets off the inner critic like crazy for us.

[cosmo79]

Thank you, 89abc123! Yes, I thought it was normal to do a lot of things I would never do now. (Manipulate with guilt, for one.)

Thanks also for explaining how healing sets off our inner critics -- that's very comforting! (and also a bit maddening!)

[Kizzie]

It really is an important point that 89abc123 made about healing setting off the Inner Critic.  Beyond remembering our own behaviour I think it reacts to the danger it feels we will encounter by coming out.  Mine did at least.  And so it turns up the heat to make us back away from the risks inherent in healing.  It is heartening in one way (yay I'm recovering), but maddening in another ("Will my IC ever be quiet?") I agree 

I don't write down thoughts any more, but during the course I had to come up with various scenarios that were triggering and do that and practice them.  Now I just talk to myself in my head or if no-one is around, out loud.   

Good luck on shrinking your ICr! 

[sanmagic7]

kizzie, 'the risks inherent in healing'.  quite profound!  i'm discovering this in myself just lately.  one of the 'risks' is moving forward and leaving all the gunk behind instead of lugging it with me daily.  dang, that stuff is heavy!  but, i've gotten so used to it that it does feel risky to put it down, and let those to whom it belongs take care of it.

what is my job to be if i don't set the world straight?  setting myself straight, i guess.  that seems way more difficult.  and completely goes against my inner critic because my responsibility has always been to set the example for others.  whew!  profound, indeed!

[Kizzie]

Heavy indeed Sanmagic     Without the gunk I feel almost naked, certainly more vulnerable and a bit disoriented almost.  It was familiar, almost comforting in a weird way.  Crazy stuff this CPTSD!   

[cosmo79]

Thank you, Kizzie, for explaining -- maybe I'll try to practice around triggers, too. And thanks, sanmagic, for all your responses and especially for the great use of the word "gunk"!