New to CPTSD and looking for book: less focus on childhood

[kda]

I am new to understanding that I have CPTSD (my intro is on the Welcome board), and am looking to do some background reading. I bought Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving (Pete Walker), and am only a little way in, but am a little disappointed that it has such an overwhelming focus on childhood trauma (not disappointed that the book exists, of course... plenty of people need a book with that focus!). While yes, I had childhood trauma and dealing with that will undoubtedly be integral to my recovery, I have also had numerous adult long-term and/or recurring traumas, and so I am hoping to find a book that is a bit broader in scope. Any suggestions? Thanks!

[Riverstar]

I would suggest "Coping with Trauma" by Jon Allen, if you haven't read it. It's a long read and I'm still working through it myself, but it's definitely not just focused on childhood, and talks about how abusive childhoods often lead to a string of abusive relationships/other traumatic situations later. But I think the groundwork is laid in childhood, so even if you don't want to go there now or don't think it's as important that at some point you'll probably need to. The book is more theoretical/clinical/deep-thought-eske rather than case-study based  but it's good to read slowly for long term healing.

[kda]

Thank you for the recommendation of "Coping with Trauma." I got the book and have been slowly making my way through it (slowly because it is very dense and frequently triggering). I strongly recommend it! While it might be considered a self-help book, it is more academic in style than is typical of the genre, and does not shy away from detailed discussions of the clinical literature, which means that it speaks perfectly to my personal mindset.

I have such a love of books that I nearly never make notes in them, highlight them, and definitely never dog-ear pages. I have made an exception in this case (though not on dog-earring!)... there are plenty of pages that are over 50% highlighted! And I am less than a third of the way through it!

I am in a chapter on memory, which can be an issue because of the way memories are triggered, often unconsciously, leading to a reexperiencing of the original trauma. I'm going to quote a two-paragraph section:

"As emphasized in cognitive therapy, you can exert some control over your emotional experience by what you think about. This power of thought may be used for good or ill. The power of negative thinking is substantial; negative thinking--and negative remembering--can fuel anxiety or deepen depression. We can spend a lot of what I think of as "mind time" mired in distressing thoughts and memories. It might be a good idea to devote more mind time to positive memories.

"The power of positive remembering is worth cultivating. Good memories should be treasured. Good experiences are deserving of our attention, and they're worth adding to our store of good memories. You can learn to draw your attention to a network of good memories associated with positive feelings such as pleasure, comfort, tenderness, safety, peace, and confidence. As an exercise, try to remember an event that goes with each of these positive feelings. By dwelling on these memories, you can more readily call them to mind."

This is a more sophisticated rendition of one of my Mother's most annoying aphorisms, "Act enthusiastic and you'll be enthusiastic." Annoying as it is in my Mother's version, at least in Dr. Allen's formulation this seems to be sound advice.

So, I took the challenge, but made it more specific. Since central to my current problems is my ability to relate in a healthy way to my wife, I tried to take each of the list of positive feelings and identify a specific memory with her that evokes that feeling.

Pleasure: After far too much time, I found one... but it was from the period when we were dating. I could think of nothing after our marriage, 23 and a half years ago.

Comfort: Same thing.

Tenderness: I stalled here. I cannot think of a single instance of feeling this with my wife.

Safety, peace, and confidence: Having stalled on tenderness, I didn't devote the same amount of effort to these three, but I suspect that I will be unable to find them. I know in particular that I have been laser-focused on safety since this whole recent ordeal started, and no, I don't think I have ever really felt it at all, even leaving off the "with my wife" part. And we have specifically talked about the likelihood that she has made me feel less safe rather than more safe.

I am distrustful of my own memory at the moment, and even more distrustful of the lens through which I am seeing my relationship with my wife. Thus, I don't know that I am confident in assigning meaning to this failure of mine to recall situations where I have felt these things.

But it is, nonetheless, depressing.

Let me add that I think part of my problem is the specific list of positive emotions that are enumerated. The list does not include things like pride, satisfaction, excitement, fulfillment, wonder, gratitude, and many others. For all of those I could easily come up with a specific memory with my wife, many of them very recent, where I felt those emotions.

But not Dr. Allen's list. How deliberately was Dr. Allen's list constructed? Does it mean something that his list I have trouble with, but my list I have no trouble with? Does this distinction mean that I have been valuing the wrong things? Or did he come up with a selection of positives, and unluckily those are the specific ones I can't seem to find, but if he had chosen different but equally-meaningful ones I wouldn't be having this problem? I don't know. A friend of mine suggested that the list seems deliberately constructed from base-level "Maslow stuff."