Am I doing this wrong?

[samantha19]

Trigger warning!!

A few days ago I accidentally raised my hand to my brother when he was deliberately bothering me, not getting out of my space and actually deliberately farted on me. I done it to get him off me, a spur of the moment reaction. I apologised afterwards and was not happy with myself at all. I told him I don't believe it's okay to ever hit anyone smaller than you. I honestly wouldn't have done it if I had a second to think, it was a knee jerk reaction because he was violating my space and actually farting on me. I would not deliberately harm anyone. I recognise I shouldn't have reacted this way.
My dad, who physically, verbally and emotionally abused me, has not been abusive towards me for a while. I'm talking over a year of no abuse. He has never apologised but I slowly began to forgive him slightly. I think I was living in a state of denial.
Following this thing with my brother he called me a hypocrite. I assume this refers to me saying him hitting my brothers, which he does deliberately, is wrong, and how he done it to me too.
This triggered * out of me. I was so upset thinking I am as bad as him.
He also said things were getting bad in here again, like before. I assume this refers to when he was abusing me or maybe when I ran away and made myself homeless. See my parents treat the abuse and my sometimes standing up for myself as an argument. My mum always tries to show me how it's my fault. She done it tonight: I spoke of the time he smashed my friends laptop into pieces when I was 12 and she said but you just wouldn't be quiet, you always had something to say. She must remember me arguing back with him on something. Apparently that warrants that kind of violent destruction of expensive property, that fear and intimidation. When I pointed this out she said she knows it's still wrong, yet she always has something to say to minimise it, always.

I'm cutting my family out but I don't know if I'm wrong to. I'm so alone. I don't know if I can handle the loneliness. My social anxiety has such an impact on my life and I don't have any friends that I feel I can just drop in on when I feel so bad. I'm co-dependent on the people who hurt me. But being alone is scary and unhealthy, right? Especially when you're as mentally ill as me. My mum says I shouldn't cut myself off because I am ill, but I am ill because of them.
I am doubting myself on everything after talking with my mum. I know it's probably gaslighting, right? But I can't handle it. I don't know who to talk to. I feel like nobody understand. What if I am crazy? What if I am wrong? My mum says everyone's family are like mine. So what if Im just making a big deal over the norm, blaming my mental illness on my childhood when it wasn't really that and I'm just ill?

I'm pouring my thoughts out here because I feel I have no one else to talk to. I know it might not be constructive and is really just a ramble. I'm just so stressed I can't think straight. See my mum forced a visit on me and I didn't want to even try and talk about the abuse with her because she doesn't listen and just pushes her own agenda of me overreacting and being the one in the wrong, even if I am simply being scared of my dad when I "shouldn't" be. But she forced a visit on me so I had to let her in and she wouldn't leave and we got talking and it hurts.

I'm sorry this isn't constructive. I just don't know what to do and I need help. I feel like my friends maybe can't all help me too because some of them are closely linked to my family and think my mum is such a nice person and I'm just terrified of not being listened to or believed by anyone else because it destroys me.

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you're hurting right now. If someone was farting on me, I'd call that a type of assault, and so that makes your action more self-defensive than anything! It's not like you walked up to him while he was just standing there and slapped him. However, the same can't be said for when someone is talking, annoying you or hurting your feelings - then, physically hurting them is wrong, and not self-defense.

And I totally understand about being afraid you won't be believed. I am just beginning therapy, and we haven't got to my history yet for that same reason. It wrecks me when I'm not believed, or when people say "just get over it". I would if I could, don't they know that?!

Hang in there, kiddo. We will be here for you as you make your way thru this.

[samantha19]

Thank you for validating me <3

I did feel it was self defense as I reflected on it. I don't think my brother treats me with enough respect, he just doesn't. He was making a show out of it being really upset at the time then laughing afterwards when he went upstairs, quite the thing. It's a household of drama and games. I think I'm becoming done with that too. I deserve to be respected, right? I would be horrified if someone treated me that way who wasn't family, so why is it okay when they are?

I truly do not agree with hitting people outside of defending yourself. So it is different. I guess I'm just so terrified of being like my dad. But I'm not like him at all.

I am actually more okay with talking to therapists and the like because I feel they should know about these things. But it's totally valid that you feel that way. The things we experience shape our perception. I'm sure you'll get there in time